I often kept myself busy,
Not ready to face the uncertainty of the life not so easy
I lamented the lack of time,
As I woke up each day with the sound of the chime
Only to realize that next to the desire for money,
My biggest grouse was the lack of time
My body ached from the hunger and fatigue of the day,
As I still tried to squeeze in one more activity before the end of the day
With no time for solitude
I realize that I was nothing more than a robot headed for a meltdown!
The only way I could wake up,
When stopped by a complete breakdown
The years I took to achieve my life goals,
I realize that I am living a dream I’ve far outgrown
Those were dreams watered down,
Burdened with the responsibilities which have only grown
Caught up with a feeling of failure and resignation
I started to look at life with indignation
It’s only the emptiness from the loss of one’s own,
That taught me the need for slowing down
The cost was too much to pay
For keeping my inner voice and desires at bay
It’s time for me to change gear,
To start doing things I hold dear
It’s time for me to stop the meltdown
It’s time to wake up and slow down!
Self development
I lost my dancing shoes!
I was taught to be someone else
When I could be better just being myself
I pretended to be someone I was not
When I always had something, which others did not
It hurt walking around in someone else’s shoes
As I left behind my custom shoes
I deprived myself of the life I could live
And deprived others of all those which only I could give
I so felt leading the life of another was a sin
The mask which I could have so trashed in the bin
I tried hard to please others by being who I was not
Only to know that they always loved me more for being just me
Now that I lost my custom shoes
My feet hurt the more I move
The pain is now unbearable
Its time for me to find my shoes
It’s time for me to shine my shoes
That’s what I call my dancing shoes
It helps me make all the right moves
Happy that I no longer have to wear someone’s shoes
Remember never to leave behind your shoes
It was custom built for you
Why not practice just being you?
Happy is the life it will bring you…
Can You Be High on ‘Self-Confidence’ Yet Low on ‘Self-esteem’?
People often tend to use both these terms interchangeably and have a general misunderstanding about what they actually mean. When that happens then you are caught in a vicious cycle of trying to become better doing something, being the best in studies, climbing up the corporate ladder, earning loads of money, getting better looks and more. All this in the fond hope that it’ll will help enhance one’s self-esteem. Even yours truly has been guilty of believing in it for a long time and recommending it as a possible way to many others around me.
It’s only when I got down to think deeply into this matter that I realized how far away from the truth I am.
Have you ever wondered why so many celebrities like actors, sportspeople, the rich and powerful, award-winners, the beautiful feel depressed and end up doing harm to themselves? You start to think why such a successful person who has received so much accolade in his field of work would commit suicide, do drugs, become a recluse, and even go to jail?
Our thinking is probably influenced by our misunderstanding of the concept of self-esteem and self-confidence. All those people who I referred to in the above example may appear to be and are highly self-confident in what they do but not necessarily comfortable in their skin.
The fact is self-confidence and self-esteem bear only a passing relationship to each other.
What then is self-esteem?
It is how we see ourselves and how worthy we feel in the world we are in, just as we are. It refers to our acceptance of self and the value we place on ourselves. It is intrinsic in the word ‘esteem’ which means ‘to regard highly’. High self-esteem therefore would mean we regard and value ourselves very highly and low would mean we regard ourselves low.
What then is self-confidence?
Self-confidence on the other hand relates more with our competence. It is the level of confidence we have in the area of our work. For example we would have won several awards and accolades at work or in school and therefore feel very confident about the very skills which got us those awards or recognition.
The negative effects of this confusion
People often confuse self-confidence with self-esteem. They put all their effort into being the best parent, spouse, child, employee, sportsperson, actor in the world and they’re very confident about their abilities, but despite all that it does not make them happy.
This misunderstanding between self-confidence and self-esteem often makes people choose the wrong road in order to become that person who is settled in their skin. I have seen many who spend extraordinary amount of money and resources on their appearance feeling that it would make them love themselves more only to find that at the end of it all they still seem to be not liking themselves.
I have also seen people who think that by amassing wealth they would be happy and start becoming better and better at earning and amassing wealth. They eventually realize that the more they do chase such solutions the more they find the goals moving further and further away. This leads them to start thinking about the futility of it all, as no amount of wealth has made them to be happy. It is a never-ending cycle.
Where did it all begin?
Your self-esteem probably was influenced and set in your early childhood. If you were given unconditional love and acceptance as a child then it would influence whether you accept yourself unconditionally. If you always felt or made to feel that you had to be at your best behavior and meet all expectations of your parents in order to be accepted by them then that would influence your acceptance of self as being based purely on your achievements. Isn’t it the case with most children? They grow up never really understanding and accepting themselves for who they are, always trying to put on a show, eventually losing the sense of self-worth.
That’s what happens for example in the case of celebrities, when they operate out of fear that they would lose all acceptance of others when they get old, look less attractive, become weak with age and retire. Since their sense of self-worth was always built around extraneous factors which actually was only helping improve their self-confidence, they fall flat.
I am in no way suggesting that working hard to be good at something you like is necessarily a bad thing. My only submission is that gaining high self-confidence is not going to automatically lead to feeling better about yourself.
Self-esteem involves working on self-acceptance and self-love than trying to ‘fix’ yourself by doing what you do, better and better. It is a thin line with a profound difference.
Have you felt this way? Are you high on self-confidence and still not happy?
Maybe, its time you re-examine your approach!
“Self-confidence relates to your Body and Self-esteem relates to your Soul”
Just laugh it off!
Some, not many, wake up in the morning with a smile. Most of us, I fear, are in a bad humor before breakfast. It is a pleasant habit, and a profitable one, to begin everyday with a laugh and a bit of fun. It starts the day well, and it helps to make a happy home.
Let me narrate a story.
There was this highly successful businessman who had achieved everything in life, all planning and meticulous in his approach to life. Just the ideal life any body would have like to have.
One fine morning when he woke up, he found to his utter dismay that his slippers were missing from under his bed. It had never happened before, which made him wild and seething with anger, he started shouting for someone to get him his slippers. There was no response. He found that the slippers were moved out of the room by his puppy dog. He was wild at his son, who had pestered him and insisted that the dog be brought home.
In the same fit of anger, he moved into the bath, started shaving, hands moving fast over his cheeks (anger, anger). What happened was he cut his chin, with blood oozing out, he applied the after shave, which started burning his whole face (anger… anger). He threw the razor and rushed out of his bath, put on his dress to find that his handkerchief was not washed and kept ready. He started shouting at his wife to whom he was married for over 25 years. In the same mood, he walked out to the dining area for his breakfast, shouting all the while about how he had a bad start to the day. His wife in the meanwhile was hurriedly bringing the milk and bread and spilt the same on him. Can you imagine how wild this man was, he saw his young son playing on the floor, he slapped him carrying forward his anger and rushed out into his car.
He drove very fast, (anger… anger); abused everyone on the road and on the way met with an accident, which hospitalized him for over 3 months.
What transpired was he fell in love with the nurse, divorced his loving wife and got later into a libel suit filed both by his wife as well as the nurse. Lost all his money, became a mental wreck.
Where did it all start? – Missing slippers? OR
His response?
If only he would have laughed of the situation and kept it lighter, he wouldn’t have been in a mess like this.
How many of us go through such situation, where we start the day with anger and find that the whole day is in a mess?
Who do you think is reponsible?
Laugh away the small irritants in life – you will avoid the bigger and larger pitfalls.
STOP looking for ‘wisdom’ – the ‘PEARLS’ are hidden well within!
How often do you “Live and re-Live” your life stories?
Live and re-live your life stories, there are hidden gems there.
There is so much to learn from daily reflections of our own life that you will be amazed at the potential ‘wisdom’ you carry around with you.
Haven’t you always sensed this when you have listened to the lecture or talk of the so-called ‘wise-man’ or guru?
….. that this person is not saying anything new and you already knew all what is being said?
At times have you felt that you yourself could be a ‘guru’ to someone and easily narrate such stories?
What it points to is that there is a wealth of ‘wisdom’ which lies within each one of us. That which has come to us from our own life experiences. Probably why the cliché’ “wiser by experience” or by “hindsight” has been in vogue. Also, peddled by the so-called gurus as if it is discovery of ‘truth’ or something like that.
When you fail to spend some time by reflecting on your life experiences and trying to learn from them, you miss a great opportunity.
Will it not be more convincing if you narrate your life stories to yourself everyday and the lessons you learnt from them?
It cannot get more authentic than that!
So, STOP looking for ‘wisdom’ – the ‘PEARLS’ are hidden well within!
Find Out Where You Are In The ‘Cycle of Change’?
There is something like ‘Cycle of Change’, which all of us go through in our life. Acknowledging where we are in this cycle and having the belief that the wheel of life keeps revolving all the time should give us the confidence of moving ahead.
Let me broadly describe the four stages in this cycle and you may want to see where you are at this moment.
Breakthrough stage: A time of big changes, disruptions, when you experience a feeling of insecurity or excitement. Someone experiencing this stage in life will make statements like “I’ve no idea what I am going to do now'”, ” I am at cross-roads now”, “I’ve no idea of my next move” , “I got a shock of my life”, “I am too excited about the prospects, and have butterflies in my stomach”, “I ‘m just anxious about the outcome”.
Has any change impacted your sense of identity, sense of direction, living conditions or support system?
Do you see a huge gap between what you want and what you have right now?
Answering “Yes” to any of these questions or thoughts could mean that you are right now in the midst of change and it is time for a change.
Vaccum stage: This is totally in contrast to the earlier stage. In this you will have a feeling of being stuck. A sort of non-change time. You might be saying things like “Nothing is happening”, “I feel stuck”, “I don’t really know how I will get past this blocks”, “I am trying but nothing is changing”, “Nothing is going right for me”, “Looks like life has almost come to a standstill”.
Do you feel helpless or hopeless?
Does life seem out of control or are you unable to see a clear path of direction?
Does it all feel meaningless right now?
All of us go through this disconnected stage, where we feel lonely, with a feeling that we have to fight this battle on our own and no one is with us or supporting us in this hour. The best way to move on from this stage is to acknowledge that something is not working, sharing with others your concerns to relieve yourself from the stress, getting advice and involve others a little more into your life. You don’t need to fight this battle all alone.
Remember the biggest mistake at this stage would be to assume that you can achieve everything on your own and you do not need anyone’s help or advice.
Start asking questions, like what is it that I really want? Am I suffering alone because of my pride? Is my ego coming in the way of my growth and success? Do I feel others around me are not good enough or better than me? Do I have the courage, to seek help?
Bounce back stage: After a period of stagnating and loss, people often see good things happen. Perhaps, all along you have been having a hard time and suddenly, something wonderful happens. You start saying things like “Wow, can’t really complain, life couldn’t have been better”, ”You won’t believe, what just happened”, “You know what, I’ve finally got what I really wanted or was looking for”, “I am just feeling excited about the whole prospect”.
This stage in your life is all about positive energy and you feel it. It starts opening new doors for you. You start seeing new strengths in yourself and accomplishing things which makes you feel good. You start loving every bit of what you are doing right now. Hope returns and your faith in yourself is re-ignited.
Do you feel motivated again? A light at the end of the tunnel?
Do you feel that the lessons of the past are now starting to help you achieve more?
Have you again started trusting your intuition?
All this goes to show that either you are starting to bounce back or you are ready for the next stage in the cycle of change in your life.
Life balance stage: After the bounce back has begun and gained momentum, you enter a steady phase of life, where you feel normal again. You finally start saying “I am in cruise mode, and am really enjoying what I am doing right now”, “It’s just perfect for me and everything has worked out the way I wanted”, “I really would want this phase to continue forever”, “Finally I seem to be having some time for myself” .
All this means that you are back to life again, feeling every bit lively, feeling great when you wake up in the morning, enjoying what you are doing right now, feeling that greater prospects lie ahead of you, wanting to take up new interests and activities. Congratulations, you have arrived at the most wonderful part of the cycle.
Remember, to enjoy each and every moment of it. After all, we call this the ‘Cycle of Change’ and it goes in circles.
Never be attached to the ‘Outcome’ – Enjoy the process!
We often are so much attached to the outcome or result that we fail to enjoy the process or the journey. We either seem to get anxious about the possibility or when the outcome is not what we expected it to be, get depressed by it.
So much so, that even when we do get a positive outcome, we seem to be more relieved than happy. Relieved of the fact that the journey has ended.
You must realize that you do not have so much control over the outcome; as much as you have on the process. Have you not experienced this, for example when you are too much attached to the result of a soccer match that we remain tense through out without enjoying the beautiful way in which the two teams are competing on the field.
We sit there imagining what would be the state of the team we support if they lose or win? in the process missing some of the great moments.
Isn’t it the same nowadays when people go on a holiday?
I see that people are so much concerned or shall I say obsessed about how well the pictures are taken that they forget soaking in the beauty of the whole journey.
Release your attachment to the outcome!
Releasing your attachment to the outcome doesn’t mean that you are any less interested in manifesting your goal. It only means that you are going to be less interested in the fear of not achieving it. You shift your attention away from fear and start feeling safe.
The secret to remain relaxed, content and happy is to be in the ‘process’; ‘live in the process’, ‘enjoy the process’.
I would love to hear from you.
How do you feel about detaching yourself from the outcome and focusing on the process?
Do you think it releases the stress?
Are You Guided By Your Ego or Intuition?
If you are not in the habit of listening to the quite voice of
your inner guidance, you may be guided by your Ego. Making life changes become overwhelmingly difficult when you are out of touch with your inner guidance.
In fact genuine inner guidance which according to quantum physicist comes from the holographic imprints of knowledge which rests in each one of us. Now how do we identify such intuitive guidance?
The intuitive voice is quiet but persistent. Thoughts keep coming back, but are not marked by urgency. The ego’s voice demands that you make a choice now, out of fear that some thing will disappear.
Intuitive messages point you in a direction of self-development. The ego, by contrast says, “Why bother?” “It’s too much trouble.”, It costs too much” The ego rationalizes away action and defends the status quo.
The intuitive voice uses simple declarative statements, such as “it’s time to go back to school” etc., which are specific and useful. The ego keeps rehashing old ground rules and relies on justifying statements. Intuitions directly and clearly come to mind. The ego voice is indecisive and anxious. It tries to control events.
The intuitive voice moves you out of your comfort zones. The ego voice loves to tell you horror stories. The intuitive voice gives you one step or goal at a time. The ego sets up contradictory goals or creates no-win situation.
Intuition tells you what to do to be true to yourself. The ego tells you what to do to make things good for others.
Here are some insights and suggestions to enjoy the power which comes from your intuitive voice:
- Feed your fascination
- Don’t be afraid of selfishness
- Remember, helplessness may be just inexperience
- Expect setbacks
- Use persistence as necessary
- …………………….
- …………………….
- ……………………
What’s yours?
Comparison – The Death of Joy!
You and I have an innate need to compare ourselves to other people.
When you’re exposed to so many people who you perceive are better than you, and the gap between you and that someone else is big, you are more inclined to lose hope, stop taking action, and let your life slip into a state of unhappiness.
Why compare yourself to others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.
Now that you are connected to so many people online it doesn’t take long for your mind to notice ways in which you compare not so favorably with others.
Be cautious when you compare yourself to others. You must understand that you are unique and singular in your being once you have grown up to be an adult. You have your own personality, character, values, and goals. Your problems are also unique to your situation, be it financial, family, relationship, psychological and otherwise. Those are unique in the context of your existence.
You may have noticed, when you find yourself to be more skilled and successful than others around you, your body releases the hormone serotonin. When you have that flowing in your body, you feel a sense of confidence and control in your life.
Also you will notice that the moment your mind notices someone who threatens your position or makes you look incompetent in comparison, your body will restrict that hormone. You start to doubt yourself and feel a sense of low self‐worth or self-esteem.
So what do you do to prevent this from happening?
Stop comparing yourself to who someone else is today and start comparing yourself to who you were yesterday. You will find that you truly have grown by sheer experience that will help guide your life.
If you are in a sinking ship, you will find that no matter how small, even a safety tube or life jacket will look like a great jump of success and progress. The gain is worth a life, isn’t it?
I would like to sum it up with this great quote by Marcus Aurelius.
“How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself, to make it just and holy.”
Marcus Arnelius
One Freedom Which Cannot Be Taken Away From You!
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
Viktor E. Frankl
Even in the most horrible of circumstances human beings have a choice and with choice comes the power to control a situation even when everything seems out of your control you can choose your own attitude and thereby establish meaning in every situation even when things seem hopeless and full of despair.
We must accept the fact that the situation we are currently in, is a result of the Choices we have made in the past. Some choices were made by our super-conscious self.
What I mean is the choice of getting deposited in the egg of your mother’s womb, choice of being born to her, choice of feeding of her, up until we gained our so called consciousness driven by the language and then using it to process our experiences which then drove the choices we made.
You might wonder why I say, that the choice of being born was made by your super-conscious self. It will be clear to you when you realize that your mother also didn’t have a choice in choosing which amongst the million sperm cells would finally get to this world.
The real problem for you started when you stopped making choices by yourself and were only living the life based on the choices others made for you in your childhood.
You are conditioned , to look for acceptance from others for every choice you intended to make. The root cause for this according to me could be our parents. Though, well-meaning and well-intended, the impact on an individual’s life has been very crippling and anti-growth.
They chose what you should eat, the way you should dress, the friends you should have, the school, the college and even sometime your life partner. So much so that, today for every move you want to make, you look for approval and wonder, what would be the reaction of people around you for the choices you make.
We keep asking for approval from others. Just think, how on earth will others be able to comprehend fully your current situation and state of mind. Their response will always be based on their own perception of the situation. They will never be able to get into your mind and be able to think what is good for you. This is only possible by you.
When you ask for approval from others for the choices you intend to make, you limit yourself, stunt your growth possibilities. I know, this is not something new, but have you ever wondered why we are afraid to make our own choices?
Maybe, each time we made a choice, we were punished. Maybe making choices have for us more negative experiences attached to them than positive. So, the aversion. Maybe, when, we made choices and it failed, we were ridiculed. Maybe, we don’t like being held accountable for our situation. Maybe, we are afraid of failure. Just maybe!
As Viktor Frankl said, the freedom to choose is the last of the human freedoms that cannot be taken away. In fact even as infants we exercised that power. You might have observed, even a baby chooses when to eat and not to eat. No amount of coaxing, cajoling and bribes can work.
Therefore no matter what happens, never stop from making your choices. It is the most important of your freedom which you can exercise for achieving personal success and growth.
Choices which are not yearning for others approval. For which you will be fully accountable to yourself. Remember, you were the one who chose to come into this world. The onus is now on you to choose and make it what you want it to be.
Choice – one freedom, which cannot ever be taken away from you!