It was a date with his special someone At a beautiful place they had chosen one It all went awry when they both reached a different one
He waited for her for what looked like eternity As the clock ticked by affecting his sanity It would have all been a mix-up Which I shall try to fix-up
He left her a message on her answering machine As he pondered long near a coffee machine
She was all anger and flare As she presumed he deliberately left her there
He had left her all disappointed As he failed to reach the spot appointed
What was for him a simple mix-up For her, this date he had messed up
She screamed that he was unreliable How was she so dumb and gullible
She brought more anger than it deserved To the person her heart reserved
Her anger was from an old hurt Which she dumped on him till it hurt
She was angry that he wasn’t there She was angry that he was late
She carried her anger all where she went On the dishes and people she vent
It took long for her to realize It was her fear that made anger materialize
She feared abandonment And burst out he wasn’t there
She feared she was not as important for him Thus for the date he was late
She feared that he didn’t love her anymore So angry for whatever he said
She kept rubbing in her anger Than to deal with her inherent fear
Her insecurities made her frail And all his pleadings were to no avail
She stopped seeing him eye-to-eye As there was more to it than met the eye
Even though she had valid fears It was made invalid with anger
Every date was a repeat thereafter As he drifted apart farther and farther
Those were the clues of what was really going on With all those fears she was carrying on
It was time she dealt with her anger and fear To save the relationship she held dear
Cause no one enjoys being around an angry person An angry person is often a lonely person.
Have you dealt with people who are irritable and frequently throw temper tantrums?
Have you instinctively felt the need to push back? Or
Have you let it pass and saw that it blew over quickly?
I remember having worked with a boss who used to have a short fuse. Most often it used to blow over pretty fast as well. However, the extent of damage lasted a while. It used to become pretty explosive when someone tried to push back and instinctively retaliate, often leading to days of eerie calmness much like the calm after a storm. He acknowledged the fact that he couldn’t control his anger and always used to reflect on the bitter trail he left after such outbursts.
The eastern philosophy says that the best way to deal with angry people is to be like a ‘Grass’ and not like a ‘Rigid tree’. In the face of storm rigid trees break and die while the grass bends and survives eventually to grow taller and stronger. Bending, being flexible, accommodating and compassionate is often the best way to deal with angry people than get into a power game.
You will often feel the urge to push back in order to prove that you cannot be taken lightly. Have you observed that the result is a counter and deterioration of the relationship. You may think that you have won but you will surely end up creating an enemy who will wait for the opportunity to stab you in the back. It’s easy to make an enemy and its no challenge. The difficult part is to turn a difficult and explosive person into someone who treats you better.
I’ve always experienced that whenever I retaliated immediately to angry outbursts and attacks from others, the situation soon escalated into a full blow conflict which would eventually explode and leave a trail of devastation not just on me and the said person but others who are in the vicinity.
With this boss, I chose a different approach. I often chose to let it pass for the moment and allowed him to vent his anger till he exhausted himself. All the while trying to listen carefully for reasons that makes the person angry. Trying to understand what is triggering these outbursts.
You will find that it will mostly be about them and not others. People who have angry outbursts are like those “holding a hand-grenade with its pin removed”. The time is ticking and if you allow it to run its course, it will self-destruct. But if you choose to engage and go all over it, it may blow on your face and you will be the casualty.
I saw that more often than not the person came around and said that he didn’t mean to hurt me and that there was something going around in his mind which was bothering him for a while.
When he asked me for suggestions to control or diffuse the situation, I just asked him to bite his tongue the moment he felt the urge to explode. Also, quickly get back to his cabin and write down the triggers for his anger. It did work for him and he was able to gradually get a handle on his anger. Not for long though, but it definitely reduced.
Mind you this only works if the person is just volatile and not a narcissist.
Do you no longer feel like the person you used to be
You are not alone
Are you feeling more anxious and less confident than you used to be
You are not alone
Often regret not having said what you should have
You are not alone
Are you struggling for some ‘me time’?
You are not alone
Do you feel you have been take advantage of ?
You are not alone
Have you been body shamed?
You are not alone
Have you felt exploited at work?
You are not alone
Are you a victim of a ‘narcissist abuser’?
You are not alone
Have you been emotionally abused?
You are not alone
Are you feeling stressed?
You are not alone
Are you feeling that your life is not you wanted it to be?
You are not alone
Are you feeling hopeless and are just going through the motions
You are not alone
Oh! please don’t say that. This is the last thing I want to hear.
What comfort does it give a person who is suffering when you go tell “you are not alone”? Just because others are suffering, how does it reduce mine? Are you asking me to take comfort from the fact that people are suffering the world over?
Go tell a poor man who is struggling to put bread on the table for his family; has hungry children at home waiting for that morsel – “you are not alone as there are millions of people around the world who are hungry and suffering like you”
Does he want to hear that?
I think many of us are quick to point out to others and are also being pointed out the same way when we suffer. There is always someone who comes and tells us that we are not alone. It doesn’t change anything for me, my situation and my mental state.
Very similar to telling a victim / survivor of an abusive relationship that she is not alone and there are others like her the world over who suffer at the hands of their abusive husbands. Do we expect her to take comfort from knowing this fact?
It’s time we understood that each one’s suffering is their own. It’s unique and they are trying to find solutions to come out of it. Do not ever trivialize that by telling them “you are not alone”.
I wonder, that could probably be the reason that people who are going through ‘suicidal thoughts’ fail to call the helpline or respond to the call which says “Are you feeling like killing yourself? – Don’t worry, you are not alone in this. Talk to us”
So let me say this – I don’t care if there are ‘x’ number of people suffering in this world; it does not comfort me and change my state. Tell me directly what can I do to make the change.
Are you putting up a ‘tough exterior’ just so that you avoid being a doormat?
You can demonstrate your self-respect simply by maintaining a healthy balance of trust, care and clear boundaries.
If you are a deeply empathetic person, the chances are that you are a magnet for narcissist. They are so adept at identifying their targets. They are also very good at mimicking the emotions of an empathy such that they attract or get your attention in reciprocity.
It so happens that most empathetic people are prone to ’annihilating’ themselves. They seem to have a button ready to commit hara-kiri, almost like a samurai warrior would when he finds out that all his efforts to fight have been nulled and he has no chance of winning. The only honorable exit seems to be to commit hara-kiri or the ritual suicide.
If you are a deeply empathetic person then chances are that you would too. When all your efforts to maintain the relationship finally come to naught. The only option for you then is to go on a self-destruct mode.
How would then find out that you are in the process of committing hara-kiri?
Here are few signs…
Desperation – when you find yourselves trying to empathize with everyone around you. You start to reach out to as many people as you can in an attempt to give them what you think they might need and hoping for some appreciation and love in return. You start to spend a lot of time, energy and your resources on people in need. You become agreeable to everything and everyone. You want to somehow prove to the world that any situation or person can be changed by demonstrating empathy. All this for an equal and more reciprocal response. The danger in this and if you are in this stage of hara-kiri is that you might get more and more disappointed and start to overdo your empathy bit to the point of irritation of others at the receiving end. If you ever heard people telling you to back off or feeling uncomfortable about empathy they are receiving from you which they didn’t ask for? – then you surely are in desperation.
Rage – If you are often filled rage around people who you feel are never satisfied or do not reciprocate or understand the amount of effort you are putting to satisfy them then you are for sure getting further into a self-destruct mode. You become furious and start to detest yourself and the values you once stood for. You drop your nice guy/girl image and got the opposite way. Becoming agitated, abrasive, rude and often in the process losing friends. You start to actually blame yourselves for your condition and also berate yourself for being ‘who you are’; hara-kiri.
Detachment – after long periods of rage around people who seemingly have taken advantage of your so-called nicety, you start to ‘shun’ people and start asking for more and more ‘me-time’.
Are you in a situation where you are yearning for ‘quiet time’ ? Alone time? Then you are definitely moving to the next phase of overcoming your pain of being an empath around toxic people.
You will at this time feel like getting away – fed up of people, this world. You frequently talk about going and sitting on top of a mountain peak away from the disturbance of toxic people and meditate. You want to show that it’s you who is ‘in-charge’ of your life. You want to regain your self-respect. Then it’s hara-kiri as would a warrior do.
Now I am not suggesting that you literally take your life, but just to ‘get back your life’. Going through the process of detachment is great for you. It is like moving from limited contact to ‘no-contact’.
This quite time helps you to re-discover your self-worth and know ‘who you truly are’. You begin to rebuild your identity – self-respect!
While the first three stages look quite destructive at the outset; they do help in getting back your life on track after being in a toxic environment and relationship.
So don’t be afraid of committing ‘hara-kiri’! I urge you to go through the pain till you finally find some balance.
Remember ‘Empathy’ is a quality which you must not shun just because of toxic people or to avoid being hurt.
You only need to save your empathy for people you trust and care about – those people who are capable of reciprocating it.
Have you found yourselves with a heightened sense of anxiety going to work each day?
Do you stress yourselves trying to please others at work?
Have you found yourselves being the subject of gossip at workplace?
Have you found yourselves behaving in ways that don’t fit your nature or personality?
Then it is a sure sign that you are working in an environment which is ‘toxic’ to say the least. The psychological harm that you are put to eventually will begin to have a negative consequence on your mental and physical health.
Many organizations and business leaders would not be willing to acknowledge that their workplace could potentially be toxic, just so that they can present a clean image to the outside world.
In such workplaces it is most often the complaining victim who is forced to look inward to self-reflect whether their complaints are indeed valid or they are being too touchy and sensitive. In such workplaces, the spotlight quickly shifts from the toxic individual who is perpetrating the problem to the victim. It’s like a rape-victim who is forced to prove that it was not consensual, that she is of high morals and is not using the complaint as a slander against the perpetrator. Sad!
Most victims or let’s call them survivors of toxic workplace environments do not get to even bring to attention the abuse they are being subjected to at workplace. I would not be surprised that maybe over 90% of workplace harassment by narcissistic abusers doesn’t even get out in the open or get reported. Well that’s a high percentage to work with isn’t it?
Speaking of narcissistic abusers, it is time that we not just recognize but take a serious look at the fact that abuse, harassment, depression, suicidal thoughts are as much a part of today’s workplace as it is at home.
So how would you go about identifying if you are part of a ‘toxic workplace environment’?
Let me present a few tell-tale signs of a toxic workplace. They may not be necessarily in any order of importance.
Gaslighting – The abusers in this case blatantly deny their own manipulative behavior and ignore evidence when confronted with it. They become dismissive and critical if you attempt to disprove their fabrications with facts. Instead of them actually addressing their inappropriate behavior, it always becomes your fault for being overly sensitive or touchy. Toxic people try and make you believe that the problem isn’t their abusive behavior, but instead your reactions to their abuse.
2. Gossiping and Smearing – You will find that narcissistic abusers often use gossiping and smear campaigns against their victims. They plant little seeds of poison, whispering about everyone, praising them to their face, and then complaining about them behind their backs. You will be surprised that you find yourself disliking or resenting people you’ve never even met before. You can quickly identify a potential narcissistic abuser when you join an organization or a team. They are the people who approach you first to feed you what they claim as important information about people and the culture etc. They will bait you into believing that you have a special place in their so-called inner circle as they also share purportedly some dark truths about your work environment. Most victims fall for such a bait as they feel they have an ally who will protect them in case of any future problems at work. Unfortunately it’s too late before the victim realizes that he has been caught in the quick-sand of this abusive relationship. You will find that they will be the same people who will lament to the very same people who they complained about, as to how stupid or crazy you are.
3. Eroding confidence – In an abusive workplace you can identify people who criticize you with a condescending, joking sort of attitude. They present a smirk when you try to express yourself. Teasing and sarcasm becomes the primary mode of communication in your relationship. They subtly belittle your intelligence and abilities. If you try to point this out by giving them feedback, they call you sensitive. You might begin to feel resentful and upset, but you learn to push away those feelings in favor of maintaining the peace.
4. Covert methods – Toxic people in the workplace often use very covert methods to undermine your success. For example an abusive boss who does not give you all the information needed to complete tasks, and then goes to embarrass you in front of your team when the tasks are not done as they should have been.
5. Negative competition – If you find yourselves as a victim of others jealousy and see a clear and present rivalry in the team then you are in a toxic team environment. The abusers in such teams provoke rivalry and jealousy by first excessively focusing their attention on you by praising and promoting you and then suddenly withdrawing to focus their attention on others. You end up feeling confused as to what you would have done for getting this treatment.
6. Hypocrisy – In a toxic workplace you will find the exact opposite of what is stated and propagated as values and culture. You will also find that abusive bosses in these workplaces expect others to “do as they say” and not “as they do”. You will find that they have high expectations of you but will exhibit none of this to you. It starts to then frustrate you immensely.
7. Comparison trap – If you find yourselves constantly being compared to someone and how that someone can and is doing a great job, you would know that adds to the pressure. While comparison is supposed to spur growth and performance it actually has an adverse effect on the victim. Many abusive bosses use it as a method to keep the victim under their control and as a tool for manipulation.
8. Withholding information – In a toxic workplace, information is provided in a selective manner and as per the convenience of the abuser then it is definitely a red flag. Narcissistic abusers who are in position of power, especially those responsible for performance reviews and appraisal use it as a tool to manipulate their victims. They would be comfortable revealing information about others (gossip) but not about you and your performance. They would expect you to figure it out for yourselves. In such environments you also are not provided with clear role definitions and the abuser in this instance the boss keeps it as vague as possible. This gives him the opportunity to manipulate you based on his needs.
9. Isolation – if you find yourself or any other in the team being isolated from important meetings or events in the organization then surely you are a victim of a toxic environment. You will find that you are not being included in important decisions regarding not just team matters but that which matters for you to perform your role effectively. The worst is that any attempt on your part to raise this issue within team or organizational forums will be considered as you being insecure, touchy and disagreeable.
10. Silent treatment – if you find yourself as a victim of silent treatment from any of your team members and especially so from your boss then you are definitely in an environment where you are being subjected to psychological abuse. The problem is that it is hard to identify, as abusers who use such behaviors increase or decrease the frequency in a way that you will be confused whether they are really wanting some ‘quiet time’ or they are manipulating you using this technique.
11. Overt and aggressive – behavior is also a form of abuse the victims of a toxic workplace have to survive. Sometimes you will find that you will be yelled at in meetings, publicly mocked, and even physically touched in a manner meant as an act of dominance.
12. Presence of fan clubs – abusers in toxic workplaces always seem to have a fan club of their own. If you find yourself in a situation where you seem to be the only person who seems to have a problem with the said abuser then it is a clear red flag. The abusers carefully cultivate their fan clubs to brow beat the victim into submission. They do that without getting their hands dirty.
13. Presence of great actors – you will find that abusers in a toxic workplace present a wide range of emotions and are able to play act so well that the victims are often left to wonder whether their perceptions are real. If you have turned from a self-confident individual to a self-doubting one then you are definitely surviving in a toxic workplace.
Regardless of how you are experiencing the abuse, the toll it takes on you physically and emotionally can still be the same.
It’s important that you become aware of the tell-tale signs of a toxic workplace and the narcissist abuser in it.
Did you know that a majority of domestic abuse is of the psychological type?
The mainstream seems to be mostly obsessed with calling out the physical abuse, which is easy to identify and communicate and helps increase the TRPs. It is also the one which the vast majority of drama and thrill seeking audience wants to see and talk about.
Unfortunately, the one type of abuse which often doesn’t get reported and is also the cause of great trauma leading to depression and suicidal tendencies is the one to do with psychological abuse. Especially in a ‘toxic family space’.
It all starts with parents who lack the basic empathy and selfless nature that loving parenting requires. They have no problem meeting their own needs before their child’s needs and also justify their actions. The effects of such domestic abuse lasts in the minds of the adult long after he/she has left home.
Such parents in the later part of their life complain that their child doesn’t have an authentic relationship with them anymore. Children of such parents have a life full of resentment about the relationship. These are the parents who pit one sibling against the other, just so that they maintain a strangle hold of control in the relationship. Unfortunately, the same continues even when their children have grown up to be adults.
If you are in a family which has huge turmoil among siblings and close relatives then you are a victim of such toxic family. I know it may be hard for you to imagine that a parent can sabotage relationships of their children. It does happen and is happening all the time around us. It’s just that it is not reported or victims of such abuse do not find it appropriate to talk about it much.
Victims are made to believe in the idea of presenting a ‘façade’ of a well-knit family to the outside world no matter how turbulent it is for them inside.
I’ve seen some families use the ‘Us Vs. Them’ philosophy to make the victim believe that they have their best interests in mind. In fact I have come across parents who have completely isolated their children from relatives and friends by using this technique. Just so that they remain in control of their lives.
Parents in toxic families continually feed the minds of the child and later the adult child about the ways in which the world has conspired against their family and how they have been at the forefront in keeping their children from harm’s way.
Toxic families present a façade of niceness which is used to mask the inner abusive environment. So much so that it will be hard for people in the community to even believe any story which is contrary to the well crafted image they put up. The problems also lies in the fact that it is so difficult for the child to complain against his/her parents. You will notice that the social framework is such that it is always the parent who is seen as the victim especially when they are pitted against their own children.
How do you then identify whether you are a victim of a toxic family environment?
There are several ways in which toxic families operate and the environment frequently throws up the following indicators;
Constant pressure to please – if you find yourselves under constant pressure to please and appear nice in front of your parents, siblings and relatives.
Silent treatment – if you find yourself as a victim of silent treatment from any of the family members and especially so from your parents then you are definitely in an environment where you are being subjected to psychological abuse. The problem is that it is hard to identify, as abusers who use such behaviors increase or decrease the frequency in a way that you will be confused whether they are really wanting some ‘quiet time’ or they are manipulating you using this technique.
‘Us Vs. Them’ discussions – if you find yourself part of discussions which involve the use of ‘us vs. them’ technique then you might find yourself over a period of time isolated from the rest of the world and in complete surrender to the people who use it to their advantage. I have personally seen this technique being used more by parents in order to keep complete control of their children long after they have turned to be ‘adult-children’.
Excessive gossip – if you find that most of your family discussions involve talking about relatives and siblings who are not present then most definitely you are not in a healthy environment. The worst is that any complaint against such behavior is brushed off by the perpetrators as the complainant being ‘too touchy’ or ‘sensitive’. The abusers even justify stating that the people in question wouldn’t have minded it as they know the abusers didn’t mean any real harm.
Divide and conquer – many abusers in families use this technique to victimize people. Simple acts like keeping a distance from the victim in group situations, making them sit slightly away, calling for a group photograph by leaving out one targeted member of the family, giving compliments or gifts to all except one targeted member and that too in front of the whole group are some examples. Even parents in toxic families pit one sibling against the other to maintain control. They act as the arbitration authority. If you find yourselves frequently going back to your parents complaining about your siblings behavior then more than the said sibling, the parent is actually the abuser.
Isolation – if you find yourself or any other in the family being isolated from family groups and clubs then surely you are a victim of a toxic environment. You will find that you are not being included in important decisions regarding family matters, you are left out of some family vacations or trips. The worst is that any attempt on your part to raise this issue with such a toxic family will be considered as being insecure, touchy and disagreeable.
I know you might already be saying that all these are common and prevalent in small amounts in all families and around the world. You may also want to rationalize this toxic family environment by saying things like “it’s human to have a little bit of friction, conflict and difference when in families and groups”.
And that for me is the problem. It is difficult to identify psychological abuse in families.
Healing from toxic families is a slow journey because you have to rewire your deeply held beliefs.
Recovery though is absolutely possible and starts with acceptance.
In an already stressful world what with the global pandemic, no immediate solution in sight, uncertainty, work and study from home challenges, relationships are under so much strain.
It is so important that you keep your sanity. This would mean that you should keep yourselves in a positive frame of mind. Easier said than done, what with so many toxic people to add to your woes. Here is a list of toxic people you must avoid in your life to keep things bright around you.
The Gossip monger – who is a carrier of half-truths, lies and quiet literally the news castor. Such people have vivid imagination and have the uncanny knack of sucking you into their world of illusions and before you realize you are caught in their web of falsehood and lies. Just listening to their gossip may make you unwittingly a part of their story and at times become a casualty.
The Narcissist – who is completely about ‘I’, ‘Me’, ‘Myself’ and is always concerned about projecting himself/herself as self-righteous and who has monopoly on the truth. he/she is also the one who will do anything for personal gains, even if it means trampling and hurting a few people on the way. They are not open to any input or feedback and believe in the adage ‘my way or the highway’ in all their transactions.
The Manipulator – who would likely use your vulnerabilities for their own personal gains. The manipulator is one who can distort facts to get things moving in his/her favor. They also indulge in manipulative behavior and are the one’s who would use your innocent sharing of information against you or for their benefit. Trust for them is a bait to gain control over you and manipulate you the way they want. You must be extremely careful with people who have in past conversations with you taken up topics which you would have shared with them in your moment of vulnerability.
The Cynic – is the one who can drain you of your energy and enthusiasm while doing any task. They transmit negativity wherever they go. They tell you how things won’t work out or can’t be done all the time. Such people can with their cynicism make you doubt your own abilities and can be a big drain on your self-confidence.
The Judgmental – are the people who are constantly judging you and the environment of the ‘good’ and ‘bad’. They are the people who have a stereotypical view of the world around them and try to impose their judgment on others. They also judge before having complete information leading to lot of conflicts. The judgmental people are also fixated in their approach and are found to be inflexible. They see the world with the colored glasses they carry.
The Arrogant – are the people who are condescending in their behavior with others. They consider others to be not as capable as they are, often ridiculing and passing snide remarks. They are the ‘know all’ of any topic and are not open to others. They move around carrying a sense of privilege or entitlement.
The Victim – is the person who is constantly projecting to you as to how the world is against him/her. Narrating story after story about the wrongs which are happening to him because of the unkind world. They are constantly on the lookout for people who are willing to listen to their sob stories and offer them their shoulder. They can at times take away a lot of your time and also manipulate your sensitive nature to derive personal benefits.
Have you encountered a few of these types?
Do you have any more of the toxic types one needs to be vary of?
