Author: Sree

7 Toxic People You Must Avoid

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In an already stressful world what with the global pandemic, no immediate solution in sight, uncertainty, work and study from home challenges, relationships are under so much strain.

It is so important that you keep your sanity.  This would mean that you should keep yourselves in a positive frame of mind.  Easier said than done, what with so many toxic people to add to your woes.  Here is a list of toxic people you must avoid in your life to keep things bright around you.

  • The Gossip monger – who is a carrier of half-truths, lies and quiet literally the news castor.  Such people have vivid imagination and have the uncanny knack of sucking you into their world of illusions and before you realize you are caught in their web of falsehood and lies.  Just listening to their gossip may make you unwittingly a part of their story and at times become a casualty.
  • The Narcissist – who is completely about ‘I’, ‘Me’, ‘Myself’ and is always concerned about projecting himself/herself as self-righteous and who has monopoly on the truth.  he/she is also the one who will do anything for personal gains, even if it means trampling and hurting a few people on the way.  They are not open to any input or feedback and believe in the adage ‘my way or the highway’ in all their transactions.
  • The Manipulator – who would likely use  your vulnerabilities for their own personal gains.  The manipulator is one who can distort facts to get things moving in his/her favor.  They also indulge in manipulative behavior and are the one’s who would use your innocent sharing of information against you or for their benefit.  Trust for them is a bait to gain control over you and manipulate you the way they want.  You must be extremely careful with people who have in past conversations with you taken up topics which you would have shared with them in your moment of vulnerability.
  • The Cynic – is the one who can drain you of your energy and enthusiasm while doing any task.  They transmit negativity wherever they go.  They tell you how things won’t work out or can’t be done all the time.  Such people can with their cynicism make you doubt your own abilities and can be a big drain on your self-confidence.
  • The Judgmental – are the people who are constantly judging you and the environment of the ‘good’ and ‘bad’.  They are the people who have a stereotypical view of the world around them and try to impose their judgment on others.   They also judge before having complete information leading to lot of conflicts.  The judgmental people are also fixated in their approach and are found to be inflexible.  They see the world with the colored glasses they carry.
  • The Arrogant – are the people who are condescending in their behavior with others.  They consider others to be not as capable as they are, often ridiculing and passing snide remarks.  They are the ‘know all’ of any topic and are not open to others.  They move around carrying a sense of privilege or entitlement.
  • The Victim – is the person who is constantly projecting to you as to how the world is against him/her.  Narrating story after story about the wrongs which are happening to him because of the unkind world.  They are constantly on the lookout for people who are willing to listen to their sob stories and offer them their shoulder. They can at times take away a lot of your time and also manipulate your sensitive nature to derive personal benefits.

Have you encountered a few of these types?

Do you have any more of the toxic types one needs to be vary of?

Share in the comments…

5 Keys In Building Trust

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The foundation of any relationship, whether it be with a business associate, spouse, parent, client or, friend, is trust. 

Trust is not something that can be built with quick fix techniques.  Rather, it is something that is cultivated through consistent habits in your interactions. 

Here are the 5 🗝 keys which could unlock the doors of trust in your relationships;

1. Be Open and Transparent

Never try to hide things from others.  Never operate with hidden agendas.  You might think that you could keep and hide things from others or pull a fast one, but most people have good intuition in guessing that you are trying to hide something.  They will have an uneasy feeling around you; a feeling of discomfort.  Operating with hidden agendas also reduces your ability to Trust others, since you behave this way, you will presume that others also operate as you do.

2. Be Consistent

Always be consistent in your behavior.  Do not behave to suit your convenience.  People are very observant and sensitive and when they see you behave in an inconsistent manner, it immediately impacts your trustworthiness.  Always behave in a principle-centered manner.

3. Stick to your commitment

Keep all promises.  Make your word stronger than any written agreement.  Every act of yours goes to show how committed you are in any relationship.  Make promises sparingly and do not ever make a mockery of the word ‘promise’ cause people really attach a lot of weight to this one aspect in a relationship.

4. Always treat people with respect

Ever since we were kids, we were taught to be respectful.  Allow people to be who they are; respect their rights; never try to force yourself on them; do not be petty; do not gossip about people when they are not around; never make any statements about people in their absence. Never undermine others, by showing your superiority – remember each person is unique and has something which he are she brings into a relationship.  When people know that you treat them with dignity and respect, trust will flourish in your relationship with them.

5. Walk-the-talk

Do on to others what you expect them to do on to you.  Don’t just end up being a preacher, show people that you act in a manner in which you expect them to.  People just hate those, who do not follow what they preach.  This is the biggest trust breaker.

There could be many more!  Would you like to add to this list?

Share yours using the comments.

Find Out Where You Are In The ‘Cycle of Change’?

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There is something like ‘Cycle of Change’, which all of us go through in our life. Acknowledging where we are in this cycle and having the belief that the wheel of life keeps revolving all the time should give us the confidence of moving ahead.

Let me broadly describe the four stages in this cycle and you may want to see where you are at this moment.change-same

Breakthrough stage: A time of big changes, disruptions, when you experience a feeling of insecurity or excitement. Someone experiencing this stage in life will make statements like “I’ve no idea what I am going to do now'”, ” I am at cross-roads now”, “I’ve no idea of my next move” , “I got a shock of my life”, “I am too excited about the prospects, and have butterflies in my stomach”, “I ‘m just anxious about the outcome”.

Has any change impacted your sense of identity, sense of direction, living conditions or support system?

Do you see a huge gap between what you want and what you have right now?

Answering “Yes” to any of these questions or thoughts could mean that you are right now in the midst of change and it is time for a change.

Vaccum stage: This is totally in contrast to the earlier stage. In this you will have a feeling of being stuck. A sort of non-change time. You might be saying things like “Nothing is happening”, “I feel stuck”, “I don’t really know how I will get past this blocks”, “I am trying but nothing is changing”, “Nothing is going right for me”, “Looks like life has almost come to a standstill”.

Do you feel helpless or hopeless?

Does life seem out of control or are you unable to see a clear path of direction?

Does it all feel meaningless right now?

All of us go through this disconnected stage, where we feel lonely, with a feeling that we have to fight this battle on our own and no one is with us or supporting us in this hour.  The best way to move on from this stage is to acknowledge that something is not working, sharing with others your concerns to relieve yourself from the stress, getting advice and involve others a little more into your life.  You don’t need to fight this battle all alone.

Remember the biggest mistake at this stage would be to assume that you can achieve everything on your own and you do not need anyone’s help or advice.

Start asking questions, like what is it that I really want?  Am I suffering alone because of my pride?  Is my ego coming in the way of my growth and success? Do I feel others around me are not good enough or better than me?  Do I have the courage, to seek help?

Bounce back stage:  After a period of stagnating and loss, people often see good things happen.  Perhaps, all along you have been having a hard time and suddenly, something wonderful happens.  You start saying things like “Wow, can’t really complain, life couldn’t have been better”, ”You won’t believe, what just happened”, “You know what, I’ve finally got what I really wanted or was looking for”, “I am just feeling excited about the whole prospect”.

This stage in your life is all about positive energy and you feel it.  It starts opening new doors for you.  You start seeing new strengths in yourself and accomplishing things which makes you feel good.  You start loving every bit of what you are doing right now.  Hope returns and your faith in yourself is re-ignited.

Do you feel motivated again?  A light at the end of the tunnel?

Do you feel that the lessons of the past are now starting to help you achieve more?

Have you again started trusting your intuition?

All this goes to show that either you are starting to bounce back or you are ready for the next stage in the cycle of change in your life.

Life balance stage: After the bounce back has begun and gained momentum, you enter a steady phase of life, where you feel normal again.  You finally start saying “I am in cruise mode, and am really enjoying what I am doing right now”, “It’s just perfect for me and everything has worked out the way I wanted”, “I really would want this phase to continue forever”, “Finally I seem to be having some time for myself” .

All this means that you are back to life again, feeling every bit lively, feeling great when you wake up in the morning, enjoying what you are doing right now, feeling that greater prospects lie ahead of you, wanting to take up new interests and activities.  Congratulations, you have arrived at the most wonderful part of the cycle.

Remember, to enjoy each and every moment of it.  After all, we call this the ‘Cycle of Change’ and it goes in circles.

 

Never be attached to the ‘Outcome’ – Enjoy the process!

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We often are so much attached to the outcome or result that we fail to enjoy the process or the journey. We either seem to get anxious about the possibility or when the outcome is not what we expected it to be, get depressed by it.

So much so, that even when we do get a positive outcome, we seem to be more relieved than happy. Relieved of the fact that the journey has ended.

flow

You must realize that you do not have so much control over the outcome; as much as you have on the process. Have you not experienced this, for example when you are too much attached to the result of a soccer match that we remain tense through out without enjoying the beautiful way in which the two teams are competing on the field.

We sit there imagining what would be the state of the team we support if they lose or win? in the process missing some of the great moments.

Isn’t it the same nowadays when people go on a holiday?

I see that people are so much concerned or shall I say obsessed about how well the pictures are taken that they forget soaking in the beauty of the whole journey.

Release your attachment to the outcome!

Releasing your attachment to the outcome doesn’t mean that you are any less interested in manifesting your goal.  It only means that you are going to be less interested in the fear of not achieving it.  You shift your attention away from fear and start feeling safe.

The secret to remain relaxed, content and happy is to be in the ‘process’; ‘live in the process’, ‘enjoy the process’.

I would love to hear from you.  

How do you feel about detaching yourself from the outcome and focusing on the process?

Do you think it releases the stress?

Are You Guided By Your Ego or Intuition?

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If you are not in the habit of listening to the quite voice of
your inner guidance, you may be guided by your Ego.  Making life changes become overwhelmingly difficult when you are out of touch with your inner guidance.

In fact genuine inner guidance which according to quantum physicist comes from the holographic imprints of knowledge which rests in each one of us.  Now how do we identify such intuitive guidance?

The intuitive voice is quiet but persistent.  Thoughts keep coming back, but are not marked by urgency.  The ego’s voice demands that you make a choice now, out of fear that some thing will disappear.  

Intuitive messages point you in a direction of self-development.  The ego, by contrast says, “Why bother?” “It’s too much trouble.”, It costs too much”  The ego rationalizes away action and defends the status quo.

The intuitive voice uses simple declarative statements, such as “it’s time to go back to school” etc., which are specific and useful.  The ego keeps rehashing old ground rules and relies on justifying statements.  Intuitions directly and clearly come to mind.  The ego voice is indecisive and anxious.  It tries to control events.

The intuitive voice moves you out of your comfort zones.  The ego voice loves to tell you horror stories.  The intuitive voice gives you one step or goal at a time.  The ego sets up contradictory goals or creates no-win situation.

Intuition tells you what to do to be true to yourself.  The ego tells you what to do to make things good for others.

Here are some insights and suggestions to enjoy the power which comes from your intuitive voice:

  • Feed your fascination
  • Don’t be afraid of selfishness
  • Remember, helplessness may be just inexperience
  • Expect setbacks
  • Use persistence as necessary
  • …………………….
  • …………………….
  • ……………………

What’s yours?

Comparison – The Death of Joy!

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You and I have an innate need to compare ourselves to other people.

When you’re exposed to so many people who you perceive are better than you, and the gap between you and that someone else is big, you are more inclined to lose hope, stop taking action, and let your life slip into a state of unhappiness.

Why compare yourself to others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.

Now that you are connected to so many people online it doesn’t take long for your mind to notice ways in which you compare not so favorably with others.

Be cautious when you compare yourself to others. You must understand that you are unique and singular in your being once you have grown up to be an adult. You have your own personality, character, values, and goals.  Your problems are also unique to your situation, be it financial, family, relationship, psychological and otherwise. Those are unique in the context of your existence.

You may have noticed, when you find yourself to be more skilled and successful than others around you, your body releases the hormone serotonin.  When you have that flowing in your body, you feel a sense of confidence and control in your life.

Also you will notice that the moment your mind notices someone who threatens your position or makes you look incompetent in comparison, your body will restrict that hormone. You start to doubt yourself and feel a sense of low self‐worth or self-esteem.

So what do you do to prevent this from happening?

Stop comparing yourself to who someone else is today and start comparing yourself to who you were yesterday.  You will find that you truly have grown by sheer experience that will help guide your life.

If you are in a sinking ship, you will find that no matter how small, even a safety tube or life jacket will look like a great jump of success and progress. The gain is worth a life, isn’t it?

I would like to sum it up with this great quote by Marcus Aurelius.

“How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself, to make it just and holy.”

Marcus Arnelius

One Freedom Which Cannot Be Taken Away From You!

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“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Viktor E. Frankl

Even in the most horrible of circumstances human beings have a choice and with choice comes the power to control a situation even when everything seems out of your control you can choose your own attitude and thereby establish meaning in every situation even when things seem hopeless and full of despair.

We must accept the fact that the situation we are currently in, is a result of the Choices we have made in the past. Some choices were made by our super-conscious self.

What I mean is the choice of getting deposited in the egg of your mother’s womb, choice of being born to her, choice of feeding of her, up until we gained our so called consciousness driven by the language and then using it to process our experiences which then drove the choices we made.

You might wonder why I say, that the choice of being born was made by your super-conscious self. It will be clear to you when you realize that your mother also didn’t have a choice in choosing which amongst the million sperm cells would finally get to this world.

The real problem for you started when you stopped making choices by yourself and were only living the life based on the choices others made for you in your childhood.

You are conditioned , to look for acceptance from others for every choice you intended to make. The root cause for this according to me could be our parents. Though, well-meaning and well-intended, the impact on an individual’s life has been very crippling and anti-growth.

They chose what you should eat, the way you should dress, the friends you should have, the school, the college and even sometime your life partner. So much so that, today for every move you want to make, you look for approval and wonder, what would be the reaction of people around you for the choices you make.

We keep asking for approval from others. Just think, how on earth will others be able to comprehend fully your current situation and state of mind. Their response will always be based on their own perception of the situation. They will never be able to get into your mind and be able to think what is good for you. This is only possible by you.

When you ask for approval from others for the choices you intend to make, you limit yourself, stunt your growth possibilities. I know, this is not something new, but have you ever wondered why we are afraid to make our own choices?

Maybe, each time we made a choice, we were punished. Maybe making choices have for us more negative experiences attached to them than positive. So, the aversion. Maybe, when, we made choices and it failed, we were ridiculed. Maybe, we don’t like being held accountable for our situation. Maybe, we are afraid of failure. Just maybe!

As Viktor Frankl said, the freedom to choose is the last of the human freedoms that cannot be taken away. In fact even as infants we exercised that power. You might have observed, even a baby chooses when to eat and not to eat. No amount of coaxing, cajoling and bribes can work.

Therefore no matter what happens, never stop from making your choices. It is the most important of your freedom which you can exercise for achieving personal success and growth.

Choices which are not yearning for others approval. For which you will be fully accountable to yourself. Remember, you were the one who chose to come into this world. The onus is now on you to choose and make it what you want it to be.

Choice – one freedom, which cannot ever be taken away from you!

HOW TO HAVE A DIFFICULT CONVERSATION? THE 5 P’s

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We often shy away from difficult conversations – the critical dialogue as I call them. We must however realize that they are some of the most important conversations in our life and we just need the right approach to make them productive.

Why not try and transform each conversation into a learning conversation? Start by accepting that others will have a different perspective. Remember that each person has some strengths and a perspective  that will help make the conversation a productive one.

Learn to recognize the emotions that you often experience during difficult conversations, consider why this might be, and learn to share them with the person with whom you are engaged in the critical dialogue.

The other person’s emotions are just as valid as yours. Finally, we must remember that there are no absolutes in a difficult conversation. Instead of becoming immediately defensive when something in a difficult conversation challenges your very identity, try and consider if what they are saying is true and, if it is, why not own up to it?  You are as much responsible for the state of dialogue as the other.

Before you engage in the critical dialogue, keep the following in mind;

Purpose – What is the outcome you visualize at the end of the critical conversation?  What according to you is the least acceptable outcome?  How much are you willing to accede to the other person?  The reason you have to think this through is; often when we engage in a difficult conversation without having any clarity of our intended outcome, we become defensive, aggressive, withdrawn or simply insensitive to the other persons needs as well.  We end up taking ‘positions’ which we fiercely defend.  Also, look at what is a reasonable outcome which the other person will be willing to accept.  Start with the assumption that people are ‘reasonable’ if you provide them with enough reasons to be so.

Plan – Having a plan does help in managing a difficult conversation.  Remember, this plan is not about how you will win the conversation, it is about the way you intend to go about the critical dialogue.  The plan should also include how much time you intend to spend talking about it; what would you do when you face resistance or disagreement?  Would you like to park it or continue to engage?  Who would speak first? Ideally, you must in any critical dialogue allow as much time for the others to speak.  Seek first to understand is the plan here. 

It works as it is an act of not only showing respect for the others point of view but also gives you a complete understanding of the other persons real interests.  This is what we call the ‘work-plan’ of engaging in a difficult conversation. 

The other part of the plan is the time plan.  Most important is ‘when’?  You mustn’t engage in a critical dialogue or difficult conversation if you do not have enough time on your hands. 

Most often you find that people want to quickly bring the difficult conversation to a conclusion.  This could be because of the fear that they may end up agreeing to the other person or take the conversation as a contest.  People adopt what I call the “Shoot and Scoot” technique, where the opponent doesn’t get enough time to process what you have said and understand your point of view. 

While it might look like you have won, you will have a person who will become closed to any such future dialogue. So, fix a time when both can spend uninterrupted time.

Prepare yourself for the conversation by considering the difficult conversations for both sides. So, think about what happened from both points of view, be clear on your emotions, and ground yourself.

Decide whether it is even worth raising the conversation. For it to be worthy, it must be underpinned by good purposes. These are learning, sharing, and problem-solving. Avoid difficult conversations that are merely based upon blaming and judging others.

If you decide that the conversation is worth engaging in, make sure you start as an impartial observer and move towards inviting them to join you in solving the problem.  Remember, the attitude is ‘You and Me’ and not ‘You with Me’.

Be curious about their stories, and only then will they be interested in yours. If you find that the conversation goes off-course, then make sure you shepherd it back on track.  Never allow the conversation to get out of context.  Have an agreement that whenever each one of you find that the other is taking the conversation away from the context, you will sound an alert.

I have found that many difficult conversations go on a tangent and completely away from the context with which it started.  It ends up in blame and a complete lack of ownership from those engaged in the conversation.

Practice – Rehearse in your mind as to how you want the conversation to go.  Go through your opening statements once in your mind and also how you will respond when the conversation boils.  While we think it is complex, most conversations can be predicted for the direction in which it will move.  If you are ready, you will be able to execute it and keep it in context.  Remember, ‘nothing happens unless you have visualized it first in your mind’.

Problem-solve throughout the critical dialogue. For the conversation to be productive, you should identify solutions which would be useful for both sides.  In the end don’t hesitate to ask if the other person is satisfied with the outcome and is that the way in which future conversations could be engaged in productively.  Most people do not want to risk asking this question at the end of a difficult conversation.  They fear that it will open up a Pandora’s box of other problems.  I would say that it is worse to exit with just an ‘assumption’ of agreement than clarifying and assuring that it went well for both sides.

Are you ready? Remember the 5 P’s

Show Some Appreciation, Will ya?

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When was the last time you walked up to someone and said a few words of appreciation?  When was it that someone walked up to you providing you with words of appreciation?

Come to think of it, as we have grown older, we see very few, in fact zero words of appreciation around us.  The whole world seems to be in a critical mode.  Criticizing something or the other; some times colleagues, family, friends, government, nations or the whole world.  Open the Newspaper or switch to any News channel, you find criticism spread all over.

Criticism is a negative energy.  It puts a lot of stress on people.  It creates negative vibes/vibrations for you and others.  It changes the whole climate around you.  For example, when you find a boss who is always pushing people around, criticizing them for whatever they do, finding faults in everything and who is difficult to please, you will find that the climate in that team and around him will be highly stressed.  The motivation levels will be low.  People will be guarded.  Negative energies will be felt by whoever comes in contact with such a team.

Isn’t it the same with parents and parenting as well? Children of parents who are difficult to please and who never received positive strokes, grow up to be people with low self-esteem. They also find it difficult to assert themselves, which lands them in a lot of trouble when they grow up. I’ve seen such kids grow up to be adults who go looking for appreciation, almost begging for it from anyone and everyone who is willing to give it to them. They are always wanting to please others even at the cost of their own lives. It does make them vulnerable to manipulation. They end up feeling a sense of worthlessness.

Unfortunately, most of us have been subjected to and made to believe that criticism is the only way one can improve.  It helps people identify their pain areas. It reminds them of their shortcomings, exposes them to their blind spot and  will spur them on for higher performance.

I’ve never seen ‘pain’ contributing to a positive movement.  Even when you find a movement, it will come with a great deal of stress.  Not motivating at all isn’t it?

As opposed to this, why not consider some ‘Appreciation’? It really creates a positive energy.  It makes people feel good.  It generates positive vibes.  It motivates people towards an affirmative action – an action abundant with Joy!. 

Let me give an example. Do you remember how you were taught to walk?  Each step you took, your parents had a word of appreciation, positive affirmation, which motivated you to take the next baby step and the next and so on. 

When you failed in your initial attempts, your parents didn’t reprimand you, criticize you for not walking properly.  Instead, they appreciated you for the effort, which generated a lot of positive energy around you.  If you have ever seen Dolphins being trained.  Have you seen them being whooped for not jumping out of water and passing through the hula-hoop held by their human partner?  Would they ever come out of water and perform those acrobatics if the trainers whoop them for not jumping properly? The only way it does what it does is through positive appreciation.  You would have seen the trainers feeding the Dolphins a fish each time they did something right.  This makes it repeat the act often and with great deal of joy. An appreciation which helps them in their performance.

Appreciation is for me an aphrodisiac for growth and when given in public makes a hell of a difference.

So why not show some appreciation today? To someone who you care about, love or simply want to help grow.

Come on! Don’t be stingy! Show Some Appreciation!

How ‘Mindful Communication’ builds ‘Respect’ in a Relationship?

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‘Respect’ is what each one of us yearns for in our relationships.  Whether its parent-child, husband-wife, employer-employee, friends, colleagues…

‘Respect’ is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.  But what exactly is ‘respect’ and how do we build that in our relationship?

Respect means that you recognize that the other person is unique and different.  That person has different experiences, opinions and thoughts from you, and that’s ok.

It’s easy to say that you have respect for someone, but acting with respect can be a bit trickier.  I want to talk about how? you not just ‘show’ but build respect in your relationship. How you can be ‘mindful’ in your communication?

Firstly it is important for us to understand our actions and reactions in a relationship is what go to show if ‘respect’ exists or not.  Let’s take the example of the simple act of listening.  You might have experienced at least once while you were listening to someone, midway through that conversation you possibly switched off or already concluded what the speaker is trying to convey.  You were probably thinking up your response.  This so robs your partner of his/her need to be understood by you.  Your response would become much poorer because you never completely understood what the other person wanted to say. 

Furthermore if such a conversation continues for a while and both parties react in similar fashion, they would surely end the conversation with little regard or respect for each other.

Similarly, would you have respect for a Doctor who starts writing his prescriptions even before listening to all your problems?

If you start to list all those relationships you carry where you respect the other, you will surely be ranking that person’s ability to listen at the top of the list of behaviors that you like about him/her for you to have respected them person in the first place.

While listening plays a major part in building mutual respect, there are other behaviors too which contribute to building a great relationship and it has to do a lot with acceptance;

  • Accepting that people are different and unique
  • Accepting that people do not necessarily see the world the way you see
  • Accepting the fact that you cannot expect others to be the way you are
  • Accepting the power and right of others to make their choices
  • Accepting the right of others to disagree with you

As you can see, it takes small actions or behaviors to help build great respect in a relationship.

What else makes you like and respect others in a relationship?  Why not add to the list using the comments?

Showing respect may sound complicated, but it’s really not.