Self development

How ‘labeling’ destroys your life and Self-awareness’?

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Labelling comes with a huge cost; the cost of pre-defined boundaries, prejudices, stereotypes and more importantly your inability to become more self-aware.

Right from the time you are born to death ‘labels’ follow you all along and these somehow start to guide or misguide your life.  Precisely the reason most are not completely satisfied with the way they lead their life or it currently is.

Let me explain this with a few examples.  As a child when you are labeled as a ‘brat’ most people around you tend to expect a certain brashness in your behavior and in every action of yours they see a little bit of it.  Repeatedly then name-calling you or terming you that way you start to believe that indeed you are one and continue to rebel against this.  The more you rebel to get to your core identity the more you are labeled and this cyclic process is what you get caught in.

There are innumerable examples like this.  The moment you see a bird which has already been labeled a ‘parrot’, ‘peacock’, ‘woodpecker’ a ‘crow’ an ‘owl’ a ‘vulture, you stop seeing the real beauty of its flight, its color, its character.  So much so that you stop observing.  It ends up just as a tick mark that you spotted a ‘labeled’ bird.

The list of such labelling can go on and on including sensitive ideas like ‘god’, ‘satan’, ‘secular’, ‘communal’, ‘democrat’ and ‘republic’.

The reason I raise this topic for discussion is to ask you this “Did you become self-aware of the several labels you came across in your life?”  “Was it a pre-defined one?”  “How has it impacted you?”

Is it true about yourself?  What have been the labels given to you/on you?

Did you ‘label’ this article in your mind even before you started reading?  What impact/influence did it have?  Did you try to be more aware of the questions I am trying to raise?

Only when you take off the ‘labels’ will you truly enjoy in complete awareness.

Oranges and Apples Are Fruits, So Is A Cucumber!

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“Everything you do right now ripples outward and affects everyone. Your posture can shine your heart or transmit anxiety. Your breath can radiate love or muddy the room in depression. Your glance can awaken joy. Your words can inspire freedom. Your every act can open hearts and minds.”

Wow! What a start to my personality report describing me as an ENFJ.  For a moment even I was swept off my feet with this flattering description of me and was sold on the tool.

It took time for me to come back to earth and start diving deep into my personality report. Its then I realized why it’s one of the most popular tool amongst 3 million fan boys and over 90 Fortune 100 companies.

This report gave me all that I love to hear and in liberal doses and I almost start to believe that its me. It’s like your astrologer who carefully delivers what you like to hear and hides the uncomfortable truths, so he gets to see you again and again and increase his revenues.  When I took the same test a few months later I turned out to be a INTJ.  Had my personality changed, or is this test not all it’s touted to be? I began to read through the evidence, and I found that many of the so-called psychometric tools are  about as useful as some book on zodiac signs which categorizes people into 12 signs and puts a large population under this monthly buckets.

It is but obvious that out of the 100 points stated about you at least 30% may strike a chord in you.  When its about others the focus will be the mismatch of 70% but when it comes to you and your self-analysis, you tend to be more taken in by the 30% match.

We tend to give high accuracy ratings to personality and value descriptions that we believe are written ‘just for us’, when they are typically vague and general enough to apply to anybody.   This is what we know as the Forer-Barnum Effect in psychology and I quickly realized that my test report did not or will not pass the Forer test.

The Barnum Effect refers to the tendency of people to accept vague, generally positive statements about their personality as unique to them even though feedback is likely to be true of most people.

I’m sure you would have taken a personality test at some point in your life and at the end of it came out feeling wow! how accurate the test is.  In fact most of the personality assessment tests use the Forer effect to great use.

Good for selling the tool but is this what psychological tests are meant to be used for?  Can they end up selling dreams and take people away from their reality?  This was termed by one of the psychologist / researcher to be an act of irresponsible armchair philosophy.

Now, if you’re a fan of one of these assessment tools, you might say it’s typical of me as an INTJ to turn to science to defend my position.  But in social science the most important aspect to assess a tool is to look at the reliability, validity, independence, and comprehensiveness of such categorization.    Unfortunately for many of the so called psychometric assessments the evidence points to the contrary.

Research shows “that as many as three-quarters of test takers achieve a different personality type when tested again,” writes Annie Murphy Paul in The Cult of Personaltiy Testing “and the sixteen distinctive types described by the Myers-Briggs have no scientific basis whatsoever.” In a recent article, Roman Krznaric adds that “if you retake the test after only a five-week gap, there’s around a 50% chance that you will fall into a different personality category.”

Then your question to me would be “Why then is the MBTI so popular?”  The simple answer is cause of two very important reasons.  One there are thousands of people who are invested in the MBTI as certified trainers, coaches, consultants and it is too hard to let go of your commitment of time, money and resources for something different.  Second is that the MBTI almost always gives the initial ‘aha’ moment immediately after taking the test, like in my example above and you would like to cling on to that as long as possible.  You tend to as Paul Murphy says get seduced by your own ‘ideal self-image’.  Once this happens, any questions on the ‘reliability’ and ‘validity’ will look like you are questioning the taste of the ‘communion wine’

What’s your alternative then?  Is there something more scientific with high levels of ‘reliability’, ‘validity’, ‘comprehensiveness’ and that which treats every human as unique?

Psychologists and scientists have spent over 50 years in building a psychometric tool which conforms to all of the above and that’s the Big 5 Personality Traits.  It meets the standards above. Across many of the world’s cultures, five personality traits consistently emerge: extraversion, emotional stability, accommodation, conscientiousness, and openness.

With 5 Factors and 24 facets providing 87 nuanced scores on a scale of 0 – 100 the Big 5 provides immense insights on the uniqueness of each individual.  In my own experience of administering the Big 5 psychometric test to thousands of people, I have seen that no two reports are same and there lies the power for greater acceptance for people.

The Big Five traits have high reliability and considerable power in predicting job performance and team effectiveness. They even have genetic and biological bases, and researchers in the emerging field of personality neuroscience have begun mapping the Big Five to relevant brain regions.

Why then is the Big 5 not being used widely in organizations?  You can call it poor marketing or simply the scientists and psychologists were too focused on the content and research to make it deep and insightful than spending time commercializing it.

Even before I start to advocate the use of Big 5 to others, I wanted to check if it will pass the Forer test.  For one, it succeeded in not only showing the positive impact of a personality, it was downright blunt in letting people know the negative impact as well, without sugar coating or fogging that is.  Our test groups were administered the Big 5 test within 5 weeks, 6 months and after a period of 6 years and the results were the same.  It therefore passed the reliability and validity tests as well.

I remember one of the CEOs of a large global IT organization who had taken the Big 5 test as part of a program almost 10 years back who was certain that his personality has changed and wanted to check just that.  He took the Big 5 test again and came to the leadership development program we were conducting for his team.  To his shock and not our surprise, he found that his report of old and the new one were same.  Obviously the scores on the Big 5 scales differed ever so slightly, about 1 – 5 points either ways.  This confirmed not just to him and his team, but our own belief that it was truly a reliable tool which has stood the test of time.

Ofcourse, the thumb rule in all cases of using psychometric assessment is that the respondent is ‘honest’ in his responses and is not answering based on an ‘ideal self-image’ of himself.

Although, I must confess that all the psychometric tools achieve one common goal when used in groups – it does start a conversation around the differences in personality and encourages people to look inwards and introspect about both the positive and negative impact of their personality in their transactions with the environment.

With over 30 years spent in administering, assessing and supporting people and groups, I must say that the primary criteria you must consider before choosing any personality assessment tool is whether it passes the ‘Forer Effect’?

Maybe it’s time to get some real deal! Check out the Big 5 test of your personality?

Time To Throw Out Education Which Treats Humans As Raw Material In A Production Assembly Line🤔

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What really differentiates us ‘humans’ from the rest of the living beings in this planet?

That we have our unique personality, independent thinking, special abilities, interests and more importantly we can identify these and develop them with purpose.

Yet, our education system puts all individuals through the same universal templates, rituals and patterns of study and expects them to perform at extraordinary levels and more so also enjoy what they do.

My thoughts on this arose by observing a simple ritual in an Indian temple. Here was a family who had brought their little child who had started crawling for a ceremony called ‘annaprasna’ (where the child is going to have his first taste of solid food). Towards the end of this event, several objects were neatly laid out at a short distance from the child; which included books, tools and instruments, money, jewels etc. The belief is that the child when grown up will be inclined to or do well in areas based on his choice of object. For example, if he chooses books, he will do well in knowledge work, and if money is chosen then he would be wealthy; so on and so forth.

The origins of this can be traced back even to the times of Mahabharata. Each of the Pandavas picked up a weapon of their choice and then were trained on the same for many years by their great guru Dronacharya. That they became the masters of their trade points to the fact that if we can identify and build on the strengths or natural inclination of a child early in his life, he/she can become a master and achieve great success in the field.

I have been advocating this for many years in schools, colleges and organizations. While people tend to initially agree that it’s the best course of action, somehow resist to implement it in their real world. They prefer to choose certainty (which is not guaranteed considering the varied results we get of children who have passed out from the same school under the same tutelage and similar training) to making the leap. This was also amplified from my observations from the story above. I could see that the parents and the whole family were deliberately trying to attract the child towards what they felt would be the right object to pick. The free will of the child was lost then and from then on I am sure he will be put through the grind which may not necessarily be his choosing but what the societal norms demand.

Imagine if schools actually helped kids identifying their talents right from a very young age and growing their skills for the next 12 years instead of letting them all follow the same routine and leaving them confused in life after graduation.

Don’t you see that happening all around you and all of the time? Isn’t it time to change the way we enable growth and development?

Psychometric tools are highly useful in identifying the natural predispositions of individuals and our research after thousands of administration at a senior level in organizations have confirmed. The only problem we see is that it is too late for many to rewind and start again.

Have you ever felt that you or any of your near and dear one’s have been put through the grind against their will or inclination?

Please share your comments and share widely, together we stand a chance to influence the future generations.

Work-Life Balance Issues? Learn ‘Assertiveness’

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“Let’s say you have already committed to your Family that you would come back home early and take them out for a movie and dinner thereafter, and suddenly as you are about to step out of office, your boss calls you for a meeting”.work-life-balance-concept--balance-achieved

9 out of 10 would try and excuse themselves from the family commitment and stay back in office ‘though reluctantly’.

What makes them do this?  Why is it that people tend to take their family for granted? Why do people give the last priority to family, while claiming that all what they are doing is for the family sake?

Is this what is affecting the ‘Work-Life Balance’ for people?

What do you think are the possible remedies?………..

I for one think that if people learn to be or are taught ‘Assertiveness Skills’ from an early age will surely be able to achieve work-life balance.

 

There Is ‘NO’ Such Thing As An Original Thought

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Lot of people struggle with the idea of coming up with an ‘original’ thought.  They want their ideas and thoughts to be such that it has never been heard before or thought before.  In this quest they never end up coming up with any.  They are also the ones who ridicule others who come up with ideas which have been built up on accumulated knowledge and experiences of others over the years.  You see this everywhere, at work, in school, at home or any group work. Original ideas

An ‘original idea’ is a myth.  There is no such thing as an original. It doesn’t come up from thin air.  It is always built on past experiences and cumulative knowledge from the universe.

So, stop running behind or putting efforts to find a truly original idea.  Just be comfortable with the fact that none is original.

At least it will help you to implement and experience what you have built.

5 Life lessons from Spiders

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5 Life lessons from Spiders

Spiders may not appeal to you, but they can certainly teach you a few life lessons. Like them or not, spiders are incredibly powerful and awe-inspiring. Spiders have fascinated me as creatures and the more I think about them, the more I understand some of the life lessons they can offer to us. I list here five key lessons I learnt observing them…spider

  1. Getting started – A spider doesn’t waste time looking for a perfect location to start. It broadly identifies areas where its prey is available and starts spinning the web. Once it gets started, there is no looking back till it completes the web. Many of us keep waiting for the best day, best time, best location and the best business idea and just don’t get started. I’m sure you would have come across successful businesses the ideas for which would have crossed your mind long before someone started. You end up regretting having not started it when it struck your mind. So the lesson for us is to get started…
  2. Perseverance – A spider never gives up spinning. No matter how many times it falls or its web gets broken, it climbs up and starts again. The lesson here is that one must persevere no matter what. There will be hurdles along the way. Your web may be broken by many extraneous reasons but you must believe in your ability to rebuild again and again..
  3. Network – What helps the spider is the width of its web. The wider it spins the web, the higher the chances of trapping its prey. It’s web is the security for daily needs of food. Similarly, it is important that we build our web / network as wide as possible. It provides you the guarantee for future support. Future proof yourself by building the strength of your network. The wider the better.
  4. Trust – If you ever observed the spider in its web, you will find that it remains planted with its eight legs spread wide and ready for the prey to come near. It can stay there for long hours without moving and has complete ‘trust’ in the web it’s spun. Similarly, we must have complete trust in our ability and the work which we do. You must stay the whole course. If you have a firm belief on the journey you embarked on, your success will be dependent on the time you can impart to the path. Many times we tend to just give up nearer to success. Trust in your ability and stay the course.
  5. Patience – There is no other insect you will find in your house which demonstrates ‘patience’ to the extent the spider shows. Once it has spun its web (laid the foundation) it waits patiently to catch its prey. It’s never anxious and doesn’t run helter-skelter like a rat in search of food. Are you patient as the spider?

Do you agree?

Past glory counts for little…

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The 2018 FIFA World Cup already has many lessons for us to ponder and work on.

The matches which Argentina played one agains Iceland and the other with Croatia are a reminder that your past glory counts for little in the present.  The Argentinians were touted to be the favorites to win this world cup and they were by default to qualify from their group to the knock-out stages.  Obviously when they had in their ranks one of the best players in the world Lionel Messi and the likes of Di Maria, Higuain et al.

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These players had achieved so much in the past and their personal records, not to mention the money they were earning trading their skill on the pitch made people believe that they were unstoppable.  They approached their matches with over-confidence stemming from their past records as well as disregard for their opponents.

They failed to realize that while they were basking in the glory of their records – of having won the world cup thrice, their opponents
were busy honing their skills, analysing and developing themselves on a continual basis.  They didn’t take anything for granted and were prepared to take on the might of the Argentinians.  But the Argies thought that by just appearing on the pitch, their opponents would surrender meakly and they will steam roll into the next round.  Alas! they are now on the brink of a first round elimination.

A similar sight was visible when the Germans played their first round match with the Mexicans.  Result – same.

Lesson – 1: Your past counts for nothing if you do not continually try to improve your wares.  As your competitors are not going to resign and sit waiting to lose.  They will be more hungry to take your position.  So, keep sharpening your saw before you are blunted.

Now for the next one.  Lionel Messi, touted to be the greatest player of all time, failed to convert a penalty, which the whole world thought was a piece of cake for him. This was not the first time in a major tournament he failed to deliver.  I for one, when I saw him walk up to take the penalty knew for sure that it was going to be a disaster.  Well the burden, the pressure was all writ large on his face.  He panicked, and what could have been a victory for his team turned into a disastrous draw.

So what is going wrong with the Argentinians?  They simply are not able to handle their emotions well.  They are very similar to the South African cricket team, which boasts of some of the greatest players of all time, yet to win a major tournament.  Their fear of losing is so high that they are overcome with extreme emotions which they are unable to cope with.  I wouldn’t be surprised if they get eliminated in the first round.

Lesson – 2: It is not how skilled are you, but can you keep an even strain?  Can you fight the urge to panic and instead be focused on what you can change? Be in the present?

Life is really no different.  Obstacles make us emotional.  The only way we’ll survive is by keeping those emotions in check.  If we can keep steady no matter what happens, keeping the kind of calm equanimity that comes with the absence of irrational or extreme emotions.

Choose ‘introspection’ over ‘worry’.

 

How to build ‘Self-awareness’?

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People’s quest for knowing so-called ‘self’ has been on for centuries.  Most have been futile attempts guided by books, philosophers, meditation, reflection bordering on the esoteric as well.  It’s to the point that many suggest that you need to sit for long hours ‘reflecting’ on self.  Many have tried to isolate themselves in the process.

It surely is a mistake to think that one can know oneself significantly through isolation, through exclusion or by going learning Self-Discovery-Month-Self-awareness-helps-teens-fight-addiction-and-mental-problemsthrough a book.

Self-awareness is a process and not an end in itself.  It is continual as well.  It needs to be through examining our self in relationship to family, friends, parents, environment.  Our responses to these relationships.  It requires a highly alert mind to keep examining these relationships  to gain an understanding of self.

The identity of ‘self’ cannot therefore be in isolation.  All the concept of ‘onion peeling’ till we reach the core, may not take you to self.  As you keep peeling and reach a stage where there is nothing left, would mean there is nothing left of you as well.  Some may call this a discovery of the ‘ultimate truth’ about oneself.

Is such a thing possible?  Can your entity ‘self’ or ‘I’ be possible without the existence of a relationship?

Your birth itself is a consequence of ‘relationship’ so you cannot be exclusive about it.

‘Self’ is all encompassing and all inclusive.  Be alert. Be observant.

 

The Problems of Decision Making

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ONE OF THE biggest fears that keeps us from moving ahead with our lives is our difficulty in making decisions.

Sometimes I feel like the Dog between two pieces of bone—unable to decide which one I want, and, in the meantime, starving to death.
The problem, of course, is that by not choosing, we are choosing—to starve. decison makingWe are choosing to deprive ourselves of what makes life a delicious feast.
The problem is that we have been taught “Be careful! You might make the wrong decision!” A wrong decision! Just the sound of that can bring terror to our hearts. We are afraid that the wrong decision will deprive us of something—money, friends, status or whatever the right decision is supposed to bring us.
It is our panic over making mistakes. For some reason we feel we should be perfect, and forget that we learn through our mistakes. Our need to be perfect and our need to control the outcome of our actions work together to keep us worried when we think about making a change or attempting a new challenge.
If the above describes you, then you are not alone who is worrying needlessly.
One way to overcome this is to change the way you look at decisions. There really is nothing to lose, only something to gain, whatever the choices you make or actions you take in life. All you have to do to change your world is change the way you think about it.
At least you won’t starve to death!

Are you the complaining type?

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Without complaining, there would be little for most people to talk about. Susan Jeffers, in her book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, gave one of her classes an assignment for one week of not complaining about anything. The students came back claiming that they had nothing to say during the week. So much of our conversations concern complaining.

If you want to try an experiment and apply this concept , the next time we are in a conversation and someone is criticizing something, or someone, we can see if we are able to withhold our criticism. It is much more difficult than we might think. We have to remember ourselves to do this.

The problem with being negative, such as continually complaining, is that we lose force or energy. To do this, we have to accumulate energy to make greater efforts than the efforts needed to get by in life. If we withhold the criticism or complaint, we will gain force or energy. We will also feel better. Whether we can control our complaining and other negative states depends upon our ability to know the difference between knowing and understanding.

Why not start practising “not complaining” for one week? Ask someone to help point out when you do the same.

You will for sure know if you are the complaining type.