WILL YOUR BELIEF HELP YOU TIDE OVER TOUGH TIMES?

Humans are a great story telling species.  In fact it’s our stories that move us forward in life or stop us in our tracks.  We tell stories not only to others but also to ourselves.  The fact that we are so attracted by the idea of stories is reaffirmed by the popularity of ‘fiction’ over ‘non-fiction’, movies, dramas, news media both print and digital et al.  In fact the ‘viral’ spread of stories at the speed of thought confirms our never ending thirst for stories old and new.

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I want to direct your attention to the stories which you tell yourself.  They can be highly motivating at the time of crisis or can be on the contrary demotivating as well.

If you are a person who builds coherent stories around crisis by claiming to yourselves that ‘there is a purpose behind whatever is happening to you’ and there is an overreaching positive goal or outcome which you will achieve – you will be motivated.  For example: during this global pandemic, if you are a person who constantly looks to build, write or read stories about how this crisis is teaching you important life lessons and there is definitely a divine purpose behind it, then you will feel more comfortable and remain positive at all times.

If you are a person who attaches a purpose with stories to convince yourself that you are being punished for your misdeeds and there is an invisible force that has been keeping an account of all what you did in the past, then you would find yourself getting into a negative spiral. Like the “why me?” or “Why does it happen to me always?” questions.

The more you tell yourselves these stories, the more you will find data to prove yourself right.  It is like a confirmation bias which sets in and can take you down a path which could be empowering or disempowering.

As I say, the belief that ‘everything happens for a purpose’ is a double-edged sword; it can be reassuring and comforting but can also lead to disillusionment, anguish, and feelings of abandonment by God, under conditions of cruel adversity.

What’s your story?  What’s your belief? 

Do you believe that ‘Everything happens for a purpose’?

PLEASE DON’T CALL YOURSELF “STRAIGHT-FORWARD”

“You see, as a person I am pretty straight-forward” – whenever someone tells me this, I start to wonder or maybe it’s just me who feels this way; It sounds like someone starting a sentence using “with all due respect…”.

Especially so, when someone tells me this during an interview, I tend to take it with a pinch of salt.  I feel that “straight-forward” is basically a phrase used by people to justify being rude, disrespectful, abrasive and impolite.

I would like to tell such people, I will assess you for “what you say” and not by “what you call yourself”.

When you use such terms to describe yourselves, you might come across as a jerk.  Imagine me telling you “I am charismatic” tch… tch…

There are many such awesome adjectives which describe a person but are well served when others use it to describe you rather than you doing it yourself.

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Let me indulge you with a few self-indulgent descriptors.  I call them self-indulgent as most people who use these adjectives to describe their self are possibly “so full of themselves”

Self-disciplined – Most self-disciplined persons, you would agree, struggle or try hard to stay disciplined.  They know that it is a constant struggle to be disciplined.

Passionate – If you are passionate let your ‘deeds’ display your passion not your words. It might come across as ‘over the top’ when you call yourselves very passionate about some things in life.

Loving – I see some people writing about themselves like “I am a loving parent, doting husband….”  Let the others decide my friend as to how loving you are.  Let your spouse decide the extent of your love.  Don’t self-proclaim.

Fearless – Oh! for god’s sake don’t say that.  Everyone is afraid.  It’s now a cliché’ to state “courage is not the absence of fear, but doing it in spite of fear”

Adaptable – If you agree that “change is the only constant” then proclaiming yourselves to be adaptable is no big deal.  Everyone is.  Nothing in this world stays the same.  It’s constantly changing and you ought to have been adaptable to have reached this far.

Independent – it’s a good thing.  The ability to care for yourselves with minimal support or dependence on others.  Most people cover up their lack of team playing skills or their lack of followership ability by calling themselves independent. “It’s not that I don’t like people or being in teams, I just like to be independent” – sounds familiar?

Open – You all know how ‘open’ a person is by the behavior he displays in his interactions with you.  In many interactions you would have found this claim to be so hypocritical.  If you want to know what I mean here, you can go check with employees who have worked with managers who claim that they are ‘open’.

Honest – you will agree, a person’s honesty is measured by the people who have transacted with him / her.

 Helpful – let the others decide how helpful are you.  It will be visible in your actions.

 You can think of many more like “I am giving, empathetic, understanding, confident, dependable…..”  Which are best observed and described by others.

I know you claim yourselves to be “direct”.. Ha… Ha…. But please do not use this as a justification to blast me for this post.

Have you indulged yourselves in some of these?  You are ‘reflective’ after all” 😊

SO PLEASE DON’T CALL YOURSELVES “UNDERSTANDING”

ARE YOU LIVING AN OUTSOURCED LIFE?

If you think that you are making all the choices in your life, think again!

It’s actually our digital devices loaded with complex algorithms via apps which have been monitoring and controlling the way we think, act and feel all the time.  This not just during our waking hours but during our sleep as well.

With health monitoring apps to monitor heart rate, moods, sleep cycles, blood pressure, sugar levels, nutritional intake and more, we seem to have outsourced almost every dimension of our health to the complex network of apps and algorithms.  This to the extent that now it is the app which decides how many steps you got to take to stay healthy or even to live.

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Some of these apps have become so intrusive that without realizing you have completely surrendered your life to the digital world.  So much so that they have started to tell you that you are not breathing well and you need to pause all your work and start breathing.  Those who use wearables will know that some of these apps are so proactive that they will suggest your next move in terms of who to speak to, what to eat, when to take rest and so on.

Looks like AI is taking over your world to an extent that the roles seemed to have reversed.  You seem to be operating like the ‘Cyborg’ or ‘robot’ who is controlled by an app controlled remotely by algorithms running on servers miles or even continents away.

The moment you have given permission to or started your life on social platform, you have completely sold yourself or outsourced you life to the digital world. I am sure you would have found it ‘creepy’ at times that your Android phone displays ads about things you were just thinking about or talked to someone about.  Looks like someone is eves dropping on all your conversations and life.  I read the other day that there are wearables which can monitor not just your sleep and dream patterns but also your sex life.  So now an app will tell me when my partner is ready and how much time will it take to get in the mood and gosh what should I do to either prolong the activity or get to an orgasm.  So much so that it will tell each partner using algorithms which analyze the whole sexual activity whether anyone of them was faking it.  It’s not to be brushed aside as you might not be far away from being sucked into this world where you are not the one who decides or chooses but the data in the digital world which does for you.

You will know how much of your life is being controlled by such apps when let’s say one day LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter or Instagram decides to pull the plug and shut down all the apps and activities.  Imagine the impact on you.  Haven’t we seen a glimpse of these already? When these apps have outages there is so much of frustration and panic worldwide.

If you have let’s say inadvertently kept your location setting on to let people know where you are at any point in time then you would also start getting notifications of friends who are around in that area.  This influences your urge to text them and meet them as well.  So now you see, social media apps will decide who you meet as well.  Apps like Facebook are already known to use powerful algorithms which analyze your personality based on the ‘likes’, ‘comments’, ‘videos’ which you post or share.  They can easily predict what you would like to see and do at any given point in time.  Without you realizing they might be influencing the way you think and act.  In an interconnected world it influences your decisions as well.  For example you liked a post about a product on ‘Facebook’ which your friend apparently shared.  You will find that your Amazon app will display an ad about the same product with maybe exciting offers for you to decide.

Healthcare professionals, business organizations, governments, world bodies et all  use so much of these digital devices and algorithms that now it’s a virtual sell out of life.  You are never in the know of who all have access to your information and for what use it is being put to.

The digital world has consumed the human world slowly and gradually and is virtually taking over our life.  All in the name of helping us make our decisions and enhance the quality of our life.

The fact that people have started to talk about ‘digital de-tox’ goes to show that you are gradually losing the fight to the complex world of digital algorithms.  There is no way out!  You are riding a ‘Tiger’ and getting off is looking more risky.

There is an increasing need for people to be educated on ‘Digital Civics’ at a very early age before they start getting consumed or outsource their life to the Digital World out there.

Have you outsourced your life already?

Is it happening to you? – How not to kill your ‘self’!

I have been struggling in my pursuit of discovering my ‘true self’ or ‘identity’ and have come to realize that I have been living in the conflict of duality.

Duality of my ‘story-telling self’ and my ‘experiential self’.  I’ve been struggling to reconcile and both have been working at cross purposes thereby taking me further and further away from my true self.

I realize that my own identity has been shaped so much by the stories I have heard from childhood and that which have influenced my understanding of reality.  My parents with all good intentions have been continually narrating stories about the world around me; from people, to politics to environment to food to relatives and so on.  Each one of those stories have had a deep impact in the way I ‘experienced’ life.

Duality

For example, my parents have had a very difficult life especially in their relationships with their siblings, relatives, parents and friends.  I have grown up listening to stories about how they were taken advantage of and how this one is good or bad; deceitful or helpful; useful or useless and so on.  Most of them were stories of horrific experiences.  I realized that as I grew up I became increasingly suspicious of my relatives and kept limited or no contact with them.  I despised them even though they did not harm to me in any way.  Whenever they met me they were very loving and affectionate and I had wonderful experience being in their company.  This really confused me quite a bit.  I had avoided contact with these relatives of mine for almost 25 years purely based on the stories narrated by my parents and kept myself from experiencing it myself.  I am not suggesting that the stories were not useful, they did.  Some I felt were not ‘true’ for me and that is what bothered me.

Got me thinking!  Isn’t it the way all of us have been deceived into not experiencing the moment and basing our action on the stories narrated to us.  How are we deciding our action?  Is it really my ‘self’ which is deciding or is it the powerful story which guides all my action?

Isn’t it similar when we are asked to swallow a bitter pill?  Carefully woven stories are narrated to us in order for us to believe that something beautiful is going to happen if we take a bitter pill.  It stops us from experiencing it ourselves and make a choice.  Oh! come to think of it, are you really ‘choosing’ for yourselves or the stories are guiding your choices?

Even governments weave stories and make us believe that a draconian policy will eventually lead to days of great prosperity and growth.  You would have found that it is so difficult for you to extricate yourselves from such Intricate web of stories.  You know that it is no good or a sure path to failure yet you end up believing the story.  You take the pain and convince yourself of the story and start believing in it.

Come to think of it you never really experience it.  All your real experiences are clouded by the powerful narratives in your mind.  You are never in the ‘moment’.  Isn’t it the way we taste our coffee or tea in the morning?  Or do you really taste it as a connoisseur?

You would have seen that you have already completed your cuppa without realizing it as you were so caught up in reading the stories in the newspaper.

In fact our story-telling is so powerful that we start to prime ourselves to ‘conform’ to what we have heard or told ourselves than real experiences.  This story-telling method is being used to shape our experiences. You have stories about every aspect of your life.  Family, relationships, governments, religion, economy and the list is endless.

I realized that I am culpable as well.  My wife and I have been in the presence of our son narrating stories of our experiences with relatives and friends and that has shaped his mind without a direct experience.  He hates those who we hate, likes those who we like, keeps a distance from those who we keep a distance and so on.

Story telling

Come to think of it, my own understanding of ‘self’ is so deeply influenced by the numerous stories that I find it difficult to extricate myself from it.  The moment I feel that I have come near to it, the mind gets another conflicting story to deal with.  So the search is endless.   Is that why the gurus term it as ‘infinite self’ which transcends the body and into consciousness?

Aren’t your decisions shaped by the stories you heard or read about?  I am tempted to give another example of a restaurant menu.  When you read that a particular dish has been made from hand-picked ingredients by the Chef himself and comes from great farms of Eden, you are inclined to choose or try that particular dish.  You don’t know for sure if the Chef really went all the way to hand pick the spices; do you?

Have you denied yourselves an ‘experience’? Have you been caught in the intricate web of story-telling?  Is it possible to extricate ourselves from this duality?

Have you killed your ‘true self’?

Do you appear as if you give a damn? – ‘Empathy pitfalls’ and the practice of CPR©

“Don’t’ worry my boy, you are not the first, I’ve seen lots of people naked in the last 25 years” said the Doctor to my son when he was taken in for examination.

The Doctor failed to realize here that it was not about him, it was about my son’s discomfort of lying naked in front of a stranger.  While it was an attempt to reassure the patient, it lacked ‘empathy’.  In fact my son’s angry response “You might have seen many naked but I am not comfortable” put things in perspective.

“Don’t worry”; “Everything will be all right”; “It can’t be that bad”; “Like everything this one too will Passover”; “just be positive”….

Have you heard this from someone before?

Do you often rush to reassure people when they tell you their distressing stories or share their pain?

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In a relationship where decisiveness and action is often valued, it is difficult not to do something to defuse others distress when it occurs. Such reassuring statements are usually made in good faith and sometimes may be probably true: that is, it is likely that everything will be all right.

Nonetheless, you would have experienced yourself that such reassurances often fail if it does not communicate an awareness of your situation.  You will agree one of the most widespread and persistent complaints today is that people don’t ‘listen’.  They blame it on being pressured for time, being preoccupied with handling their own problems, pressure to deliver results and so on….  Plenty of excuses on offer.

How many times you would have heard the following as responses to your reassurances?  “You don’t seem to understand my predicament”; “it’s easy for you to say it can’t be that bad”; “how do you expect me to be positive in such a situation”; “it’s not happening to you so you can say whatever”

All these responses are an indication that you have failed to demonstrate empathy.  An understanding of the person’s situation, perspective and feelings and to communicate that understanding back to the person.

Many times when we are confronted with distressful stories of people, we do not know how to listen empathetically.  In our anxiety to help we jump the gun and aggravate the pain further by offering reassurances which demonstrate lack of understanding.  Almost always having an adverse effect.

What do you think might work?  How can you demonstrate empathy?

I feel the CPR© (Clarify, Probe, Respond) method helps in this case.

Clarify – queries which will encourage the person to talk more about the distressing story;

  •  “Would you tell me a little more about that”
  • “What has this been like for you?”
  • “Is there anything else?”

Probe – to check if you have a clear understanding by using statements like;

  • “Let me see if I have got this right.”
  • “I want to make sure I really understand what you’re telling me.”
  • “I don’t want us to go further unless I’m sure I’ve got this right.”
  • “Please correct me if I don’t get it right, okay?”

Respond – to reaffirm and communicate your understanding of the whole situation

  • “That sounds very difficult.”
  • “I can imagine that this might feel . . .”
  • “Anyone in your situation would feel that way . . .”
  • “I can see that you are . . .”

A pause while practicing CPR© goes a long way in demonstrating empathy.  It helps others experience being understood

Too often, we hear only what we want to hear, and discount what we consider irrelevant.

What is the most ‘empathic response’ you have heard?  Add to the list..

© thecriticaldialogue.com

When you are ‘furious’ – be ‘curious’ – How to listen during a critical dialogue?

“You never accept Pa.  You pick up an argument and stick to your guns without trying to understand what I am trying to tell you.  Just go and leave me alone”

I remember when I heard this for the first time from my son, my emotions were running wild.  I was hurt and he said he wanted to be left alone and didn’t want me to interfere.  I was angry as well.  How can he be so curt and not understand the concerns of a parent?  How can he take me so lightly?  I think this was spiraling out of control.

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Almost all parents go through these emotions at some point in their life and I was no different.  In spite of your best intent, there are times when ‘the critical dialogue’ with a family member turns into an argument where your purpose changes from understanding to winning.  You hate to lose and begin to lose control of the conversation.  Simple matters escalate to include various other baggage which we might be carrying over the years of which the other doesn’t have a role to play.  It confuses, frustrates, angers and becomes emotionally draining.

So what do you do in such a situation?  “When you are ‘furious’ the best strategy is to become ‘curious’.

In an argument the most impacted is our ‘listening’.  We tend to turn every discussion into a battle and want to outwit each other without trying to understand each other’s point of view.  Many times I have observed as a facilitator when others argue almost furiously, they are actually saying the same thing or meaning the same, only that they seem to use different tone and statements.  In fact I am able to find a lot of points where both the parties seem to be in agreement.  Maybe even 90% with only 10% disagreement.  Have you found this happening?

I call this ‘furiously agreeing’ to each other.

The problem with this type of listening is that we are ‘listening as an adversary’ than a ‘buddy’.  When that happens the purpose of the discussion or argument turns to defend, contend with, resist or oppose’ and the attitude turns to ‘me Vs. you’.  The strategy then turns to ‘I have to make them feel wrong or point holes in their story or dominate the debate’ . We then start to judge, argue, interrupt, debate just to score a point.  The impact of such listening is ‘resentment’.  As my son, felt at that time.  He started to resent the idea of speaking to me as I somehow was not willing to or not showing any interest in listening to his point of view.

 I was worried.  I was the only one to whom he used to open out and talk and if this continued, he would lose an ally and start looking elsewhere for comfort.  I thought deep about what I could do?  Is there something which I can change in the way I  ‘listened’?

Listening you will agree suffers the most when you are engaged in a critical conversation with someone with whom you have a deep emotional connection.  These are the relationships we take for granted.  We do not much care to choose our words and actions wisely, thereby negatively impacting our communication.  We realize only when there is a breakdown and by that time it could be too late.

The best way to listen is by starting with the following questions in your mind.  What do I really want?  What is the best behavior I need to demonstrate to get the outcome I really want? How can I make it ‘safe’ for the other person to speak more?

Turn yourself into the ‘buddy’ mode of listening.  You would have experienced yourself that you are so comfortable talking to your best buddy.  Have you ever thought of the underlying reasons for that?  It’s because our best buds don’t judge us, they allow us to be who we are, they care for you, they are not in it to win-it.  More importantly they are ‘curious’ about you and your feelings.

So learn to ‘listen as a buddy’.  Let’s look at the steps (The 5 R’s ©)

Step 1. Recognize – the need for people to express themselves and their need to be heard.  “I understand that you really want to share some things with me”

Step 2. Request – ask questions as if you are curious to know more “I really would like to hear what makes you think I never care to listen?  What do I do which makes you feel that way”

Step 3. Reflect – confirm your understanding by repeating the speakers exact words.  It’s also like ‘mirroring’.  “So you say that I interrupt you before you complete your sentence?”

Step 4. Rephrase – using your own words to confirm the meaning.  “So you are saying that it’s best that I allow you to complete your sentence before I respond?”  Is that correct?

Step 5. Respond – with ‘open ended questions’ to deepen your understanding.  “ tell me more”; “what are your expectations from me which will make you more comfortable as you speak?”  You can even add value to the conversation by putting forth your own thoughts in a safe manner like “I agree and…..” instead of the typical confrontational “I agree but”

When you start to ‘Listen as a buddy’ your purpose is to “understand, support, assist”.  And the key attitude is “it’s me and you” ; the strategy changes from ‘me against you’ to ‘me and you’.

As I realized, my son really didn’t have much disagreement with what I was trying to say but his concern was that the way I was communicating with him.  When I changed to being his ‘buddy’, we started to have more and more of ‘the critical dialogue’ which otherwise would have been lost in furious arguments or silent resentment.

We must remember that most arguments consist only of 5 to 10 percent of the facts which people disagree with.  Our focus must always be on the ‘points of agreement’ on which we can have a meaningful dialogue and work through our differences.

So how do you Listen; as an “Adversary” or  a “Buddy”?

© thecriticaldialogue.com

When a ‘critical conversation’ turns nasty!

The more you care about an issue – the critical dialogue of ‘feedback’

“Your son is no good,  I don’t think he will pass”  said my son’s math teacher to my wife and that too in front of the whole class.  This incident I recall happened when he was in 9th grade.  My wife had gone to school concerned that our son was losing both interest and confidence in math.  She thought it will be a great idea to discuss with his teacher and understand what exactly was going wrong.

Now the teacher’s statement brought her to a boil as this dialogue turned critical.  She was furious and hit back with great force.  “I think you are no good as a teacher.  You don’t know how to teach and are blaming the kids for your failure.  I wonder how you even became a teacher.  You don’t deserve to teach”.

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She came back home furious and at the same time feeling victorious that she could hit back and hurt the teacher more than what the teacher had caused to our son.

When she came back and narrated this incident to me, I could sense that her emotions had gotten the better of her and she forgot in the process to find out the real problem my son was facing in school.  I didn’t blame her for that though, as I understood that our son’s academic progress was an issue very dear to her.

She wanted me to accompany her the next day and confront this rogue teacher as she would like to call her and give her a piece of my mind as well.  It was almost like she was goading me to hit with greater force.  I realized that the whole transaction was becoming unsafe for all parties.  A simple ‘feedback giving and receiving’ process had turned ugly.  People had started to pass judgments and conclusions instead of working with facts.  It was ‘the critical dialogue’ which I thought would give an opportunity to clear the air and get the whole process to a meaningful conversation.  I’ve been teaching ‘feedback’ process in organizations and felt that it is such a wonderful skill to improve the quality of any interpersonal relationship.  Wanted to give a shot.  Here is what I did.

Collection of facts – I asked my son as to what makes him hate math?  What was happening to him at school?  And so on.  I understood that it was not ‘math’ per se which was his problem.  His issue was with the teacher, who used to blame students in front of the whole class and pass judgments which hurt students quite a bit.  Some students chose to keep quite but my son preferred to discuss it with us and wanted to resolve it as well.  He wanted us to tell his teacher to stop criticizing him and other students in front of the whole class.  Here was an opportunity to provide feedback to the teacher concerned.

I made it the next day and this is how the conversation flowed.

Making it safe for the ‘feedback receiver’  “When I first heard your opinion about my son, my initial reaction was of anger and I really wanted to hit out and oppose you.  But after thinking about it, I’ve realized that there is more I can learn from you about my son’s progress.  I know that you care a great deal about my son and I’m confident you are well-trained.  I know you want to do best for my son and I do too. I have some fears and concerns which I feel will have huge implications for him in the future. Is it ok if I share that with you and we could together look at it objectively?

This created an environment of safety for the teacher to reply “I really feel that he has great potential and even I would want him to do well”

You notice that ‘the critical dialogue’ has turned towards a meaningful conversation the moment I created a safe environment.

The next steps are pretty straight forward in ‘giving  feedback’.

Step 1: State the facts (they can’t be denied)  “I observed that you have been critical of my son in front of the whole class”

Step 2: State the impact (results of such actions / behaviors) “He is unable to concentrate in the class due to the constant fear of being reprimanded in front of the whole class”

Step 3: State the feeling (good/bad/happy/unhappy) “I am feeling concerned about how this is impacting his self-esteem”

Step 4: State what your expectations are “I would have expected that you had a private 1:1 conversation with my son to give him your critical feedback.  Is it ok for me to expect this from you? (talking tentatively will keep the conversation in the ‘safe zone’).  It’s my son’s expectation too.

Interesting fact I learnt:  The teacher was of the opinion that if she criticized my son in front of the whole class, he would be angry and motivated to better.  Now I knew where she was coming from.

Step 5: Use ‘opinion’ instead of advice “In my opinion a 1:1 would have made it easier for him to accept your valuable feedback” (an opinion is easier for people to digest as they feel less threatened and also know that as much as you have your opinion, they would too.)

Happy ending the concerned teacher accepted the feedback and agreed that she was probably wrong in assuming that all students would respond to her techniques in the same way.  She promised to have more 1:1 with my son and help him progress.

This critical dialogue went a long way, so much so that my son not just started to like math but did well to get a perfect score in his boards and a national merit certificate for his performance in math.

When we care for an issue or feel strongly about the subject, we might not be able to demonstrate our best behavior.

We;

  • Tend to sulk
  • Get angry and violent
  • We become pushy and hurt others
  • Start to exaggerate our stories
  • Make villains of others
  • Violate their rights
  • Stop listening
  • Retaliate
  • Insult
  • Become sarcastic
  • Become judgmental

If we can step out of ourselves and start to have a dialogue only based on facts, it becomes so much easier for any ‘critical dialogue’ to become meaningful.

There are so many situations where we have the need to use ‘feedback’ as part of a critical dialogue process.  In office, with spouse, with children, colleagues and many more.  If we can use the steps as I have outlined above, we might have a chance.

 

Encourage ‘Doubting’ – a catalyst for progress

Doubting has been used and widely accepted as a negative term as its adverse effects are commonly acknowledged.  But by believing this and avoiding doubt is to choose not to think.  Doubt which is destructive is paralyzing.  It inhibits constructive thoughts and the power of will.  It blocks receptivity to the beneficent workings of the universe.  It produces a sense of hopelessness.  More importantly it resists progress and rejects ideas on the whims of ignorance, prejudice and emotion.

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But let us consider the constructive element of doubt.  The constructive element of doubt helps us  to question.  We doubt therefore we start questioning to know what is true.  Without this, if we merely accepted things as they appear to be, then would be no different than animals.  Ancient civilizations believed that the ‘Earth was flat’ till someone doubted this hypothesis and started to find the truth.  If man could not doubt, he could not progress, the world would have been mired in ignorance.  We would not be able to differentiate the theory or fallacious arguments from the truth if we did not question.  It is therefore important to apply reasoning.

In fact you find that it’s the doubt that decides the hypothesis.  Scientists take such theory and investigate.  Nothing is taken for granted.  The proposition is carried to a conclusion to see whether it works or not.  If it doesn’t then it is set aside and restructured.  Imagine if the scientists remained satisfied with the status quo of knowledge, there would be no progress.  That’s where the great lesson lies.

Doubt for me is a dynamic energy that should be properly harnessed to move us to progressive actions.  If by doubting we are able to destroy some of the most cherished and so called ‘normal’ we would be better off; than blindly following.  Doubt allows us to apply the test of reason.  If you can analyze ideas with unprejudiced respect and discrimination, you will more readily apprehend the truth and discern what is untruth.

Doubts can lead to ‘inquiry’, ‘questioning’, ‘deep learning’, ‘contemplation’, ‘comprehension’, ‘safety’, ‘problem solving’, ‘acceptance’, ‘ownership’ and many more benefits.

Doubt for me is the foundation of a #thecriticaldialogue which is necessary for enabling or facilitating change.

Imagine if someone tells you “I somehow doubt your intentions”  What would happen to you.  You would put in an extra effort to explain why you believe in the theory you are proposing.  In the process it may help you clarify your own hypothesis and learn what probably you would have missed.  It’s a great tool for enabling self-reflection.

It’s similar to someone in a team meeting stating “I have serious doubts whether this campaign or strategy will work”  It can trigger a very constructive debate and build greater conviction and ownership in the whole team.

But unfortunately, we have been from childhood conditioned not to doubt what our elders tell us, or the scriptures or community tells us.

I dread to imagine the world where no one would have questioned the existence of a higher power ‘god’ and the workings of the world as his doing.  Even today, I see some people have totally given up in life and stopped all progress, calling it their destiny or what a higher power has willed for them.

I’ve seen in organizations, some people are labeled as doubters and there is so much negativity against them.  People discount them and fail to get the benefits from a constructive dialogue with the ‘doubters’

I recommend that you must encourage or embrace ‘doubters’; for they are a catalyst to progress.

Do you doubt often?  Has it helped you progress in life and at work? 

Share some stories….

Mindfulness to ‘No Mind’ – a journey worth taking?

“Be mindful; stay calm; stay still; be observant; become self-aware; meditate; or why don’t you learn meditation?   I’ve heard all this and I’m sure you did as well?”

The funny side of this story I heard from many people is that “I did try many   and have gone to meditation camps and retreats and even holidays but have achieved little”.  One of my acquaintances said that she was looking around at the ecstatic people in one such session she attended and wondered what the others are going through which she is unable to see or feel? She felt that she was coming under pressure to demonstrate that she is going through great experiences just to be feeling part of the group and so that her husband who took her to one such place doesn’t feel offended. She asked me “Sree is it any good to go and meditate? Does anything come out of it? Have you ever felt the need to meditate?”

I could completely relate to this as I myself have been through similar experiences and see that people who recommend you to such courses feel offended when you tell them that you got nothing out of it or you felt it was a complete waste of time. I also realize that they are probably so caught in by the fancy and the make-believe world of such camps. They probably are also under tremendous stress themselves to justify being there in the first place.

They don’t want to look like idiots who went and spent their time and money on such courses which offered nothing. I somehow feel that they are trying to convince themselves by trying to convince others about the benefits. Some I have seen become aggressive after attending such sessions. They seem to have changed for the worse. They attack those who have a different view contrary to what their gurus have told them. In fact they become the very opposite of what they set out to achieve. They start ‘minding’; ‘become restless’; ‘keep moving’; ‘become less observant of everything else’; and highly ‘stressed’ and move around with a mask of fake serenity and shmuck smile which can be easily perceived by keen observers.

Not for once am I rejecting the idea of meditation or its power. My problem is that the self-proclaimed gurus need to tone down and stop claiming esoteric benefits arising out of meditating. Stop telling stories with imaginative goals and outcomes the challenge to which is brushed off by statements like “you are not yet there” ; “these are things which are difficult to explain” ; “you have to experience it to believe it” and so on…

What is important is to set the objectives clear and also let people understand the ‘why’? behind the process.

Let me explain. What happens when you are asked to close your eyes during meditation? What is the purpose really? I don’t think I need to start setting an objective here that would lead to an early judgment. When you close your eyes, you find that your other senses become alert and their signal strength becomes strong. Especially so your ‘ears’. You start to hear even the sound of the wind blowing ever so slightly; which by now we would have stopped sensing as that has become part of ourselves, our subconscious or our conditioning. We’ve got so used to the noise around us that we hardly pay attention.

It’s to do with our eyes as well. If you are a regular at the park for your morning walk, the initial few days or even month your eyes will see all the beauty around in the greenery, flowers, the path you tread, the people around, the fragrances etc. But over many months, our eyes stop observing and we just go through the motion as our body has been turned into an auto-pilot. It’s a pattern and our eyes do not really need to exert itself unless it finds a serious block staring right at our face. The plants would have grown ever so slightly and the buds would have started to appear but we keep to our walks and running and whatever we go there for. We express our surprise when as we term “all of a sudden” we find that flowers have blossomed and look so beautiful. You know it is not sudden, but a slow and gradual process of growth. However, we express our pleasant surprise. What this means is that we have never really cared to observe .

It happens in our relationships as well. When you first meet your date and the initial days of your romance, you are so full of observing even the slightest of aspects in each other. You admire the beauty in all detail. Gradually there comes a time when we are just talking and stopped observing. In fact even the talking has sometimes turned to ambient noise as you get used to each other and the pattern sets in. At times you even don’t realize the subtle changes happening in the person whom you knew before. You will find that when you stay away for few months or even a year and then meet someone, you are able to observe the changes in each other. You hear parents or friends tell you “hey you have lost weight”; “you’ve grown taller”; “you look different”; and so on.

What does it mean for us. That there is an initial image which we see and then become comfortable with and after that we continue to operate with that image in mind for the rest of our life. Maybe that is the reason why the cliché’ “first impression is the best impression”. Don’t you think that can change? Does it not change over a period? Are you willing to go beyond the first impression?

For that to happen, you need to shut out the past image to look at the present. For that you need to close your eyes and open again. I can tell you with the experience of my interactions with my mom, who is a great cook and used to dish out mouthwatering delicacies on request during my growing up years. Now she has turned 83 but I am still living with the same old image which I have carried of her. Whenever, I visit her I expect her to do the same , dish out some of my favorites. I fail to see (truly) and it needs a reminder from her from time to time that she is not the same person anymore. She has aged, her body is not agreeing to the demands of work etc. That is when I actually start to observe the changes which have occurred to her body. It is not that I would not be concerned, but we get so patterned in our seeing that we have actually stopped seeing. We need to first stop this ‘patterned seeing’ and start probably ‘deliberate seeing’ as a child would do or as you did when you met your date for the first time.

Coming back to why we need to close our eyes for long hours before we open them again is to just stop our ‘patterned seeing’ and start ‘deliberate seeing’ or ‘being observant’ as some masters would say. To observe the subtle changes that have taken place in the environment around us. To discard the images of the past and to be seeing in the present. You know – all that matters is the present.

There is a residual benefit which arises out of keeping your eyes closed.  Your ears become much more active and alert to sounds in the environment around you. You will find that when you work in a highly noisy environment for long periods or if you had a creaking door, a noisy ceiling fan, initially you will be irritated by its noise and your attention keeps getting drawn to it. You don’t want to hear that but your ears somehow keep focusing on it.

This is for me is another funny aspect of setting goals for your senses. When you tell them to ‘not do’ certain things they seem to be doing it more. I am sure you would have experienced it yourself, When you say “I don’t want to see that anymore” is when you start seeing it more, when you “don’t want to hear something” you hear it more as well. So as part of your meditation, my suggestion is do not set yourselves goals. Don’t expect anything from it and your senses will automatically do the job they are intended to do for your safety and growth. You would also find that over period of time these noises or sounds become part of your life and then you are no longer irritated, excited or worried about these noises. In fact you won’t even notice they exist. It becomes a pattern and you stop hearing.

The same happens in your relationships as well, with your parents, teachers, friends, fiancée , co-workers and the whole lot of people who you regularly interact with. With your parents, if you hear them talk the same talk with you all the time, over time you will start to take them as ambient noise and totally ignore the content. Especially so if it is something critical about you (which is mostly the case in our growing up years). When criticism about us becomes repetitive, they become a pattern and then we stop listening or ignoring. We no longer look at the content of the messages around us. We do not give importance to their existence. Similarly with your fiancée or co-workers or friends, in the initial stages of our relationship we are all ‘ears’ as we say to whatever is being said, but over a period of time we start to take things for granted as , maybe it has become a ‘patterned talk or noise’. You learn to live with it and not pay much heed to what is being said. We also get into the patterned response based on ‘who is saying it’ rather than looking at ‘what is being said’.

To understand what you have been missing as part of your sense of hearing you must take off to a remote jungle and close your eyes for a while , you will hear so many wonderful sounds around you that it will give you a great sense of energy. You will hear the birds chirp, the slithering of a snake nearby, the monkeys , the running deer, the roar of a distant lion or tiger, the water flowing in a nearby creek… Oh! there will be so many that you will be overwhelmed, you would have never experienced before. In fact you would also find that your sense of ‘hearing’ becomes essential for your survival.

It’s the same with a mother and child relationship. When you are just an infant the mothers sense of hearing is so high that even the slightest movement in the crib will alert her of your needs. As you grow and start to speak and start demanding from her through speech on a regular basis, she starts to shut out the pattern. You would have come across some parents who remain calm and seem to be conveniently ignoring a hyper active child who throws things around, creates a scene and makes a lot of noise even in public places. You start to wonder what kind of parenting they have. Actually it’s nothing to do with their parenting, it is that they have got used to the pattern of this noise and you have not. It is irritating you because it is away from the pattern of silence which you so got used to.

So when you shut your eyes during meditation, you are actually allowing your ‘sense of hearing’ to be rejuvenated and soak in all the ambience. So it is first important not to find a quiet place during meditation, but to start your meditation practice in a noisy place. Shut your eyes and exercise your sense of hearing. Learn , comprehend and grow from it. Expose yourselves to different environment lest you get used to the same noise as of the creaking door.  That is exactly why when you talk to different people you get different perspectives. The social media forums are one great place which demonstrate this aspect. It is also important to realize that you must not talk about the same things again and again with the same person. It will turn into pure ambient noise. Start talking about varied topics with your acquaintances to keep the energy in the relationship.

This is also amply evident, when you are on your first date, you talk about so many things about each other and your interests which you are not aware of . That keeps the interest alive. Imagine you meet regularly and speak about the same things every day, then you are surely heading for an early split out of sheer boredom or pattern. Try listening to people with your eyes closed and see how well you receive the content and then judge for yourself about the power of closing your eyes during meditation. More than looking inwards, it is first to make you aware of your other senses.

Now let’s say you cannot ‘See’ or ‘Hear’ anything. Your sense of smell will be the first to awaken and have a heightened level of alertness. You start to sniff for familiarity or to learn about the environment you are in. Have you ever had a meal in a place called “Dialogue-in-the-Dark”? You will know what I mean. This place gives a perspective of the world from the eyes of the blind. You are served food on your table and the entire restaurant is pitch dark. You cannot see anything whatsoever and are dependent only on the sense of touch, smell, hearing and speech. When the food arrives on your table, your sense of smell becomes active and tries to guess the dish first based on the aroma. You must try this place once if you have to experience what I am saying.

When you shut out your ‘seeing’ and ‘hearing’ your ‘nose’ becomes active and starts to catch the smells around. That’s why when someone sneaks in from behind you, you are able to smell it and react to the situation accordingly. The adage ‘sniff you out’ is an indicator of this ability. But again, if you get too used to the smell over a period of time it becomes a ‘patterned smelling’ and you no longer feel its presence around you.

A person who works as a driver in the ‘garbage clearing truck’ of the municipal corporation will get so used to the smell around such work that he won’t mind it or it is part of his job so goes unnoticed as opposed to the truck moving past you and leaving a foul smell around. When you are alone and with your eyes closed and ears shut or used to the patterned noises around, is when you start to get the varied smell of nature. It’s like those animals which have such a powerful sense of smell that they can identify their prey or hunter from miles away. A baby is known to sense first by smell of its mother and gets excited by her presence nearby. Similarly you could tell if your fiancée sneaks in from behind by the familiar smell even though you have not seen or heard them coming. It’s by the smell that early man was able to identify whether a fruit can be eaten or not. That’s probably why we use the terms like ‘sweet smell’ etc. while describing some objects of interest.

Try going to a sound-proof room and switch off all lights and remain there for half-hour or more and you will experience the shift to this third sense of ‘smell’. The reason why many saints meditated in caves was to also shut out the ‘seeing’ and ‘hearing’ for long periods. To enjoy the food you eat and relish its taste manifold, we must take in the aroma first. It really sets your digestive juices flowing not just in your tummy but in your mouth as well. That’s why we either get put off by the smell or taken in by it when we enter a restaurant or an eatery. Some smells are pungent and off putting and some really attractive. You might observe if you have a baking or cookies/chocolate counter right in the front of the eatery, the sweet smell of baked cakes or the vanilla is quite a pull. I suggest you must indulge at times by ‘deliberate smelling’ of your environment and keep exercising your sense of smell. Don’t just wait for something out of the ordinary. You are living with some wonderful aromas around you. Make your life smell sweet.

Again focusing our attention to the aspect of meditation and the impact it has on our senses. Let’s now look at our sense of ‘speech and taste’. When you keep your mouth closed or shut for long duration, the first sip of water will taste very sweet. But when you have a lot of water, your attention then shifts to your tummy than on the taste of water. Water is an elixir of life only in limited amounts and as much as you need, else you have a chance of drowning in it.

We have been similarly taught right from childhood that you must ‘chew’ your food slowly and deliberate paying attention to the varied flavors. It is not just good for your digestion but also to elevate your sense of tasting food. When it becomes a routine or pattern is when you lose all sense. Today you find people talk of grabbing a bite and are eating while they are conversing, driving or running for work or school. No deliberate chewing, no sense for taste. People actually are taken by surprise when you ask them what they ate for breakfast. They have to pause, at times think long to recall what they actually ate. The reason is that eating has become a pattern and you have lost all sense for taste. Eating while watching TV at home, at the dining table or during a meeting takes away the pleasures coming out of your sense of taste.

There is another role your mouth plays and that is to produce the sound of speech. People do pay attention when you speak little. But when you keep rambling on then it becomes more of a noise for them and less focus is on the content of what you speak. Try keeping quiet or keeping your mouth shut for one day and feel the difference. It not only helps you to elevate your sense of hearing, listening and/or comprehending what is being said but after a long pause when you speak, people will pay attention. Great speakers therefore you would have noticed use the pauses very well to bring your attention to what they are saying. You find that speaker who go on and on during meetings, presentation or any other event lose the attention of their audience as their speech turns more of a noise than anything of substance.

In India, there is a concept of ‘maun vrat’ – its basically about remaining silent for the whole day or week or at times month or two. This helps the person to start with a heightened sense for all other senses and learn and grow more from the environment. Isn’t it the same when a stealth team in combat keeps absolute silence while moving in on the target lest they get caught in the act and in an ambush. There are many areas in our life when keeping quite will be of great help. A verbal slanging match with your spouse, co-worker or boss may end up more as a noise pollutant than achieve any purpose. It is exhausting as well.

Meditation helps you to practice shutting out this sense for some time such that you derive the maximum benefits from your other senses. You can probably recollect several such instances in your life where you would have felt ‘silence’ would have been a great option to choose. It is a good pause to take.

We have now looked at the senses of ‘seeing’, ‘hearing’, ‘smelling’ and ‘tasting/speaking’ in the context of meditative practice. Let’s take it a little further and see what would happen when you have no sense of touch as well.

What I mean is when you ‘stay still’ without movement or touching anything. Initially your butt may ache by sitting in the same posture, but over time it gets used to the floor or the chair you are sitting on and loses all sense for it – you can say, becomes numb to it. In this state you must not even use a ‘japa mala’ or ‘rosary’ to meditate. Nothing whatsoever. That’s precisely when your attention shifts to your sixth sense ie, your ‘mind’. Your thoughts start racing and reflecting on several things at one time. It starts in a very chaotic fashion and then one by one starts to peel into information which has been resident in your mind. Mind you, you can only think of or reflect on what you have already experienced and build on it.

This is one area which will take a long time to shut out. Our mind is so vast and the information stored and the thoughts it generates is bigger than the mighty oceans. You keep on reflecting on various aspects of yourself and the transactions you have had during your existence in this world. As you keep at it for prolonged durations, there might come a point where you have exhausted everything; every little detail you have recollected; right from your birth to this very moment. There is nothing more. Your imagination has run wild enough to be exhausted. It goes blank. That is the moment of ‘No mind’ It gets refreshed like a baby’s mind. You rediscover the child in you and you reach the state of ‘divine’ like the baby.

If you have ever stared at a infants face, you will find the tranquility, serenity, the innocence, the beauty which brings a smile onto your face; a state of blissful existence. The attempt of meditation is to reach that state of ‘no mind’ to rediscover yourself and the child in you.

That’s the reason why when you are in the presence of great masters and you look at them, you will find a child like tranquility in them, a state of ‘no mind’.

When you look at the picture of Christ, Buddha, Krishna or any evolved being you will not be able to attach any specific emotion to them. They will start reflecting your image onto you cause they don’t have any. They are the masters of ‘no mind’. Meditation therefore leads you to possibly Christ consciousness, Buddha consciousness or Krishna consciousness. All mean the same – a state of ‘no mind’.

I hope I have succeeded in some way to explain the act of meditation and where it leads to?

Meditation according to me is therefore a simple process of you taking the journey of the deliberate acts – ‘mindfulness’ to a state of ‘no mind’. It is a state of ‘thoughtlessness’ and suspension of all sensations quite like that brief moment during an orgasm.

Are you a ‘Success Seeker’ or a ‘Failure Avoider’?

Do you at times get a feeling that you are being controlled by the ‘consequences’?

When do you think you are not controlled by ‘consequences’?   As for me, you don’t feel controlled when the consequences are pleasant or something good. When you are working to get something which makes you feel contented and fulfilled.

When you are working towards ‘avoiding’ something or to run away from something then you get controlled by the consequences. That’s called negative reinforcement.

Let me give you an example. If you exercise so that you don’t put on weight, decrease your cholesterol levels, keep your heart in condition, to strengthen your muscles then you will be controlled by the consequences. Similarly if you quit smoking or wish to quit smoking because you won’t get cancer or hear attack then it is likely that you won’t quit smoking. There are several instances when such people quit smoking only to restart again. I’ve seen people who have had multiple heart attacks and yet continue to indulge in the activities which could affect their condition. This happens because of the success-seeker-over-failure-avoidernegative reinforcement and the intrinsic motivation is out of fear than out of any possibility of pleasant experiences. If you are of this type you are mostly the ‘failure avoider’ than ‘success seeker’.

So how do you get to become a ‘success seeker’?

First of all you need to change your paradigm. You need to look at the pleasant things which will happen to you cause of your actions. When I quit smoking I see myself taking the stairs up to the 8th floor of a building without a fuss. When you exercise and are fit you can travel the world, play soccer or basketball go trekking and so on…. This is called positive reinforcement. I am sure you are getting my point.

Alas! I see most of you who are still doing things with a lot of negative reinforcement. That’s the reason why you do not enjoy what you do. If you are a student you write exams because it is a ‘requirement’ than an opportunity, you attend classes because it is a requirement and not an opportunity to learn something. The working class go to office as going to office is a requirement to get your salary and make your ends meet. I see nobody going to office ‘to make a difference’. I have heard many of my friends say after a stressful day at office “What do I do, I got to work, I have mortgages to pay, my child’s education, perform my sisters wedding and if I don’t all this will kill me” What are they effectively doing? Avoiding failures than seeking opportunities.

It starts when you wake up; the ‘Alarm Clock’. I wondered why it is not called an ‘Opportunity Clock’.

Before you start your day today to avoid some failure or the other, I urge you to ‘pause’; ‘reflect’ and ‘visualize’ all the pleasant feelings and consequences which you will have by doing something. Try it. Don’t say to yourself “if I sit to visualize I will miss this and that” it is a trap.

Do this everyday and you are well on your way to be a ‘Success Seeker’.

Sree Kumar Palakkal