“Personal relationships are the fertile soil from which all advancement, all success, all achievement in real life grows”

Life would be difficult without the blessing of significant relationships as an integral part of our lifestyle. However, although relationships can be the source of much joy and happiness, they also can frequently be a source of pain, stress, conflict, and anxiety. It is a sad factor that when we have a close relationship the openness and vulnerability that we share with that person has the ability to bring both happiness and also pain.

There is a natural response when we feel hurt to protect ourselves from being hurt again. Frequently this protection involves creating a wall around the heart, distancing the emotions to avoid pain. This very act may well protect a person from feeling more pain, and keep it at bay, but also means shutting out the potential for enjoyment in the relationship as well. A wall keeps out both good and bad!

Unfortunately, it is a fact that too many people become detached from potentially meaningful relationships through misunderstandings and assumptions about the other person. The reality is we can never fully know a person and understand them, and often we see things from a totally different perspective and even speak a different emotional language.

A tone of voice, a look, or a comment can easily be misinterpreted, and our response is to feel hurt or offended. If this happens it is all too easy to into a pattern of assuming and responding to that assumption until the whole incident becomes a large issue.

How does this situation occur? The basic problem arises from the fact that people are afraid of what they don’t know. They assume facts that may not in reality exist and then build prejudices around those assumptions. Bad decisions are then made based on those assumptions, rumors, other people’s opinions, or perceived behaviour.

Many of these situations could have been non-events if time had been taken to check out the facts. If a person is aware of the facts about a situation, person, problem, or opportunity, then decisions can be made based on what is real rather than what is being perceived.

For example, I go to a social function and meet my friend. She has a scowl on her face, seems aloof, and practically ignores me and my efforts at friendly conversation. It would be easy for me to assume that she is mad at me and spend a lot of energy wondering what I had done to upset her. I may start tiptoeing around her anticipating a blow-up. A healthier alternative for our relationship would be to say, “you don’t look happy, what’s going on?”

By checking out what the real facts are I will either discover whether I really did do something wrong, or that something has happened that I don’t know about that is totally unrelated to me. Either way, I am in a better position to help lighten her mood as I know the facts.

When communication issues occur in a relationship the best way to find out the truth is to ask questions to discover what the other person really means. What a person means can be very different from an interpretation from your different perspective.

Sometimes people may make a statement, and not tell you the reasons why they said it. This can lead to a minefield of speculation and assumptions. This can often happen when communicating with men.

A man tends to answer questions with a yes or no, (or a brief response) and not give any explanation for his position. Women are more likely to give reasons. So, by asking questions such as “Do you mean…”, you will get more clarity and will not be left wondering what is going on.

It does take more commitment to the relationship to push through communication difficulties and not rely on assumptions. We prefer to not speak or confront when we sense an atmosphere or feel hurt by a comment.

However, if you keep to the adage “When in doubt, check it out”, and push through those uncomfortable feelings you will reap the benefits in the relationship.

Your relationship will become stronger, and you will gain a greater understanding and appreciation of each other.

So, Don’t doubt, Check it out!

Are you are struggling to deal with misunderstandings and looking to improve the quality of your interpersonal relationships?

Are you finding it difficult to discuss or share your relationship challenges with those who are invested in your life?

Are you looking for someone who will “LISTEN” to you without any Judgment, Bias, or Agenda?

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If you currently feel that you don’t have enough friends in your life, one reason may be that you have let yourself become too busy to make time for the relationships you already have. 

Nurturing and maintaining friendships requires effort and commitment.  Many of us let our lives become so busy with work and other commitments that we don’t get around to scheduling time for pleasure and renewal with the friends, relatives, and acquaintances we already have. Making the effort to call your friends more regularly, and to accept more of the invitations you receive from others, can improve your social life in a hurry!

Are there any people you could call right now and be assured of a pleasant welcome? 
Are these people that you could count on to help you in a crisis? 
Can you have close talks with them? 
Do you have fun when you are together? 
Are you happy to have them in your life?

If you haven’t seen much of them lately, is it because you have become too busy?  Have you grown apart?  Was there an argument? If the main reason you haven’t been getting together with the people you already know is that you have gotten too busy, take a good look at how you spend your time.  Compare it with your real values and priorities in life.  Is your hectic lifestyle really bringing you the quality of life that you want?

If you have become too busy for friends, why has this happened?  Are you pursuing material toys in your life at the expense of relationships with other human beings?  Have you allowed your time to be over-committed because you never say No to anyone?  Do you insist on doing things yourself that could be delegated to others?  If so, why?  Do you believe that everything depends on you? 

Examine whether the way you are currently spending your time accurately reflects your deepest values and priorities.  Make sure that you schedule adequate time for the things that are truly most important to you.  If you really want to keep friends in your life, make a space in your schedule, and a space in your heart for them.

Building strong bonds and a network of friends you could trust is therapeutic! The success of any relationship depends on the TIME you are willing to invest in that relationship.

It all boils down to your “Time Mastery” Skills.
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“I think we are heading for a split”, he explained, with a sense of disappointment in his voice.
His tone changed, as he tried to project a bright side, as is the wont of many people who are going through difficult relationships. “I think what is happening it’s for the best. Things haven’t been working out between us for the past few years.  It seems like we’re just too different.”

“For the best…Too different….” his words triggered some thoughts in my mind as our conversation progressed. I thought about the list of differences my wife and I possess.

Come to think of it, we are SO different in so many ways. A thought crossed my mind, “Could it really be possible that a couple can be “too different” to have a thriving marriage?”   Somehow it didn’t sit with me well.

As a Relationship Counselor, I get to talk to people whose relationships are on life-support. But their struggles often have nothing to do with the trauma of affairs, abuse, or addictions.  Yet their relationships seem to be dying a slow and painful death.

Statements like, “We’re too different” or “We’ve grown apart are phrases that sound so innocent- yet are extremely lethal in relationships.

There are so many factors that can get in the way of a good relationship, but often, they are the small, unnoticed things that make their way in. In order to make sure our relationships survive and thrive, here are some relationship killers you should be on the lookout for:

The Family

If I have to rank relationship killers, this one must rank at the top of the list of relationship stress for most couples.  It has little to do with their relationship and much to do with the relationships they are surrounded with.  When you are in a relationship the role dynamics change. There will be a shift in your priorities and the role of your parents, in-laws, siblings, and friends all shift when you join together as one large family unit. You choose to put your spouse above all others. Too many marriages and relationships struggle simply due to a lack of priorities.  People find themselves being pulled by everyone else in every which way, except toward each other. A healthy relationship means you have learned to prioritize one another above all else.

Lack of Communication

It’s true we invest in quality conversations only a few minutes a day. It’s easy to let life get busy and stop connecting with the one you love or are in a relationship with. The moment you park it thinking that it will not change and remain the same always is when drifting happens. Take the time to connect and communicate with your significant other often.

Controlling Behavior

Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories: overt control and covert control. Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism, and ridicule. Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying, and denying. Often a person at the other end of the attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked. Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

Resistance

Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance- withdrawal. When one partner is controlling, and the other is resistant which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled – the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

Neediness

Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their loneliness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need. Your partner’s job is not to complete you, but to compliment you.

Substance and Process Addictions

Most people who feel empty inside turn to addictions. While no one plans on becoming an addict (in any realm) it can happen. This usually creates an unhealthy environment.  Addictions could range from not just substance abuse but may also include social media, shopping binge, eating, and many more.

Eyes on Partners Plate

Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. You cannot change anyone. It is not your job to fix your partner. You can only change yourself.

Stress

It’s so easy to take our stress out on our partner. We can get into the habit of holding things in until we’re in the safety and comfort of our relationship –  and then we explode.   The stench from pent-up anger, frustration, accumulated negative thoughts about the other is difficult to carry for long.  It has to get trashed one day and that more often than not gets dumped on your partner. Healthy partners often do not allow the garbage in their relationship to accumulate and raise a stink.  They share and communicate on a regular basis and trash it out on a daily basis.  It keeps the environment clean and tidy.

Social media and technology

I recently heard from a friend of mine who is an attorney at the district court that a couple filed for divorce accusing each other of their obsessive social media use. So many of us carry this dangerous relationship killer right in our hands and pocket. In the world of technology crazed, smartphone carrying, Facebook, Instagram, and Tik-tok posting mania- it’s no joke that we find our time slipping away into the inanimate- instead of investing it into the intimate. Unplug, disconnect, shut down- and invest in your partner.

Clinging to the PAST

The most paralyzing thing we can do for our relationship is to define our partner by their past, rather than by who they are in the present. The past may impact our lives, but it will only control our present if we allow it to. It’s important to be real with one another about our pasts, but more importantly, to respect one another’s pasts by seeing how it is impacting our lives and that of our partner in the ‘here’ and ‘now’. Learn to deal with what is behind…so that you can move toward what is ahead.

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It may not be as obvious as you might think! You are lot more than you may appear to bring at work.

It is time that organizations, leaders, supervisors, co-workers, and team members, start focusing on those invisible dimensions that have a deep impact on our work.

A lot of my work and research based on executive coaching got me to think about a very important dimension of work-life, particularly so of those who are dual-income couples.  It showed that those who were intimate and understanding in their relationships were able to put in more quality time to their work.  The reason being the absence of drama in their life.  They were able to bring more cognitive, emotional, and physical energy to their workspace.  Simply put their mind-body ergonomics in their relationship was super.

Another study showed that the partner’s personality had a deep influence on their income generation ability, career growth, and so on.  It points to the fact that each individual’s ability to bend their back on tasks in the office was directly linked to the social and familial context.  

I am not for a moment advocating a very touchy-feely office where people bring all their personal matters and discuss them at work.  It makes work at times less stressful this way and people are able to get away from the myriad emotional challenges which they face in their social context. 

However, my own experience tells me that no matter how much one would try to keep the personal and office life separate, it is not just difficult but hard to achieve.  You cannot compartmentalize human emotions and start switching on and off like a machine.  We are human and complex personalities after all.

I do believe that it is about time that business leaders and organizations took note of the outside influence on the work life of the employees.  It all boils down to not just becoming aware of the personality of those who work for them but of their partners as well.

When I speak of personality, I am indicating towards the Big Five personality traits of openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness and negative emotionality (neuroticism).

While there are some traits which influence much more than the others in a relationship, we cannot deny the fact that they all combine to make us who we are. 

Let me take the example of conscientiousness.  I have observed that if you have a partner who is conscientious then a lot of chores at home are handled efficiently and effectively.  It is more organized at home, and you do not have to worry about missing appointments, planning social events, PTMs, child’s nutrition to education needs and many more.  When the home front is taken care of, the employee is able to come to work with more vigor as the pressures are off your shoulder.

Similarly, those who have a more agreeable partner who keeps your interests always in mind, likes to be more collaborative than confrontational, is trusting, expresses views with a lot of tact and care, it creates a very positive climate at home.  Lesser conflicts mean less stress and more energy which can then be put to better use for personal and professional growth.  You might have seen, partners who are often confrontational in nature inadvertently create a climate which depletes them of positive energy.

There is another important trait which influences a person in performing well at work, that of neuroticism (negative emotionality).  When you have a partner who is highly reactive, edgy, often worried, getting rapidly angry and one who keeps brooding over the past mistakes and failures, it starts to affect other aspects of your life as well.  Their imagined worries make them highly intrusive and controlling in their behavior.  They easily transfer negative energies to each other leading to not just stress for them but for their significant other as well.  Those who are high on the neuroticism scale tend to carry the burden of household stress to work affecting their relationships with co-workers and productivity.  They are also the people who would report sick often or are not in the right frame of mind to contribute positively.

I am at not point suggesting here that your success at work depends upon you being in a relationship.  There are so many single individuals who are highly successful CEOs and business owners who bring great energy and aggression to grow their business.

However, strong marital relationships bring a lot of success at work as well.  When you are in a relationship, you are not two people; you are a single entity.  The more solid this entity, the greater will be your advantage.

We can’t and probably don’t want to know the details of an employee’s personal life, but we can provide them with tools which could help them better understand their relationships which in turn contributes to not just to their personal life but also brings success in their professional life.

Maybe there will be employees who do not agree that the company should get involved in trying to improve spousal or familial relationship, but you sure can offer them a choice of using some of these tools as a benefit. 

There is however no denying the fact that an employee is a complete and complex package of personality traits.  You cannot expect them to switch on / switch off their personal and professional life like you would a machine.

It’s time to take notice!

If you really care for your employees, it’s time you helped them outside of work as well!

Talk or write to me to know about the tools which could help you achieve that goal.

If you are a CEO and wish to make a positive impact on your employees, ask me for a FREE Assessment!

Do you always feel a need to defend yourself against a friend or family?

Do you feel a constant need to explain as to why you can’t make plans one evening?

Do you find yourself trying to ‘rephrase’ a text or word to avoid an unpleasant situation?

Do you set aside all your personal work when someone suddenly appears asking for help?

Take a moment and think of a friend or acquaintance who you know as probably the nicest person around.  He / She is ever ready to lend a hand or extend help and you can count on him / her whenever the need arises.

This person is also the one who will gladly abandon what he/she is doing to cater to your needs. Does this behaviour sound disturbingly familiar to you as a person?  Do you do this yourself?

Are you also someone who finds it exhausting, stressful after such events?

If you have answered ‘yes’ to most of the questions above, then you surely are a ‘people pleaser’.

These people-pleasing habits are toxic to you, and often stem from a need to make others happy. But sometimes, there isn’t any deeper origin to these patterns beyond simply being a gentle person. If you naturally tend to be agreeable and friendly, toxic people will sense this and latch on to you.

They quickly discover how to manipulate you with guilt-tripping, passive aggression, and martyrdom. This snowballs, as more and more of these people find you. You become stuck in their cycles of insecurity, which is often the reason you’re already desensitized to the narcissists abuse.

Your tendency to keep others interests above your own and to be accommodative may be the reason you get rolled over.  Your deep desire to be liked by people and to be perceived as nice comes in the way of escaping the narcissists abusers web.

I am not suggesting that you should be nasty with people and not care, but if it is happening often and you are left with a bad taste, it’s time to take charge.  It’s time to be assertive before it takes a toll on your mental health and relationships.

I am reminded of a quote from Mahatma Gandhi and I quote;

A ‘NO’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘YES’ merely uttered to please, or worse to avoid trouble.”

Mahatma Gandhi

Beware! if you are a people pleaser, you are the potential target for toxic people to take advantage of. The narcissist has the uncanny knack of identifying these tendencies and manipulate to ‘lord over you’

Agree?