Relationship

ARE YOU LEADING YOUR LIFE LIKE AN ‘AVENGER’?

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Is your past the reason for your conflicts?

Did you know that the root of many conflicts which you may have in the present lies somewhere in the past?

Unless you are able to deal with the past issue and move on with your life, you will keep getting into more and more conflict, eventually ending up with a feeling of victimization.

We either end up playing the ‘victim’ or creating the drama of a ‘villain’.  This somehow keeps confirming to our core believes which we have built over a period of time.  It’s a vicious cycle and if you are caught in it then it’s time you get the heck out with some practice of forgiveness.

Let me explain this a little more.  I had a friend of mine who was going through a troubled marriage.  Everyday used to start and end with unending arguments and they had started to become distant with each other.  The situation had precipitated to such an extent that a split was the only option they felt would help resolve this forever.  Each party claimed to be the ‘victim’ and called the other ‘villain’ of the piece.  Such positions never really help in a conflict.  It’s important that we understand the underlying causes for our reactions in the present.

An evening coffee meetup gave me the opportunity to try and help my friend through this phase and identify what was causing frequent ’emotional explosions’ in her transaction with him.

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“I don’t think our marriage is going to last, looks like we are heading for a split” she said as tears swelled in her eyes.  I could see that she had over a period of time been suppressing her emotions and was looking to a person to pour that out so that she might feel lighter.  For me, I was not really concerned about the current outburst which is a result of suppression.  I was more concerned in digging deeper to let her come out with the ‘repressed’ emotions.  The difference being that the second type is the one from a long past, which is formed and lying deep underneath and is at the core of all responses of the present.

“Tell me more, I urged”.  You know, he doesn’t love me anymore and has been paying attention to other ladies.  He no longer seems to be attracted to me.  I think he has had enough of me.  I knew she was playing the ‘victim’ here and wanted to know more as to what led her to believe this was happening to her.

I had known her husband for over 15 years and saw that he was caring, helpful and a great support for the family.  I didn’t want to jump to any conclusion based on what she was telling me.  I however didn’t want to give her an instant solution or strategy to work around this, lest she feel that I am biased and am no different from her husband.

Tell me more I prodded.  “You know he is so obsessed with his daughter that it’s always about her, he has no time for me anymore” she said gritting her teeth as she banged the coffee cup on the table.  It befuddled me, as even I wondered, what would make a mom so angry that her daughter is getting so much attention from dad?

“It’s like I don’t have space in his mind anymore.  I think he is distancing himself from me and doing this deliberately”.

I thought it was a great opportunity to mine deep.  “You use the word deliberately.  From where did you get this idea?”  I asked.

“Oh! I know this game.  My Dad always used to do this to me.  He used to distance me and give attention to my sis whenever he wanted to communicate his anger towards me and teach me a lesson.  I was at the receiving end of such treatment and I can sense it if someone does it to me” she said.

“Was your Dad always distant from you? And are you saying he didn’t love you enough as he did your sis?” I asked.

“I thought that was his way of letting me know that I was not as good as my sis was.  I could never live up to his expectations, no matter what” she started to sob and I let that happen for her to get lighter in the head and probably become a little open to think more clearly when I offered an alternative way of thinking.

“So you have not been able to forgive your dad for making you feel this way?”  I asked.

She was trying to probably tell me that when someone doesn’t pay enough attention to her, its their way of communicating to her that she was not good enough or unwanted.  Unfortunately for her, she has been living with this feeling for a long time and this repressed anger started to manifest itself when she saw her husband showering his attention on their daughter.  She was actually visualizing her sis in her daughter and comparing her husband with her father.  She was playing the perfect ‘victim’ and was projecting that in every transaction.

Her husband was unfortunately becoming the reason for her to be reminded of her past and their relationship was taking the brunt of all the repressed emotions.  The problem was that the two souls didn’t know what was happening and were ending up blaming each other for the situation.

You will notice that we are not taught how to think through situations and reflect on the root causes.  Instead we are taught to react, judge, lay blame and take revenge.

Avenger

Come to think of it, most of us are leading our life like ‘Avengers’.  We want to avenge for the past crimes committed on us by our parents, teachers, friends, colleagues and whosoever.  We have unknowingly developed the victim mindset and now want to fight and harm others as much as we were harmed in the past.

“Is that the only thing about your husband that bothers you?”  I asked.  “What do you like in him, leaving this one dimension aside?”

“He always gives me my space, surprises me with gifts, helps me in chores – right from washing dishes to cooking great food when I don’t feel the energy to do anything.  In a way I am lucky that he always chips in when I need”.  Her reply surprised her as well as she paused after what she rattled about her husband just then.

Have you been evaluating your husband using the prism of your past baggage of your relationship with your Dad?  I asked.  It took some time for that question to sink in, for she paused and remained silent for a considerably long time.  I get your point she said after a while.  I am able to see that I cannot stand anyone giving more attention to others in front of me.  It keeps reminding me of all the love and affection I missed getting from my dad.  I always yearned for that.  I can see that before we had our daughter, I was getting all the attention from him.  Now it was different and I am starting to feel threatened.  I think I have been harsh on him.  “Don’t you think your daughter deserves the care and attention which you always looked for from you Dad?” I nudged.

This one interaction went off smoothly and though it took time and repeated reminders, my friends were able to iron out their differences and save themselves from damaging conflicts.

Have you ever thought about the fact that it is our repressed emotions which are at the core of conflict?

Isn’t it therefore important to go to the root of it and relate how it is affecting your present?

Can you think of some conflicts which you had and have manifested from your repressed past?

Don’t you think one needs to deal with the inner conflict before trying to solve the outer?

ARE YOU LEADING A LIFE OF AN AVENGER?

“Call me if you need any help” – Is it really helpful?

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Did you really mean it, when you told someone in distress or going through a tough time “Call me if you need any help”?

I’m sure as well-meaning those offers of help were, deep down in your heart you knew that the person would most likely not call for help.   Asking for and accepting help can be difficult for many and you know that as well. Therefore whenever I hear such an offer, I wonder whether the person really means it.

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I myself wondered at times when I made such offers, though it was intended to provide immediate comfort to the person I worried about the ‘what if’.

“What if?” the person really called asking for help.  Do I have the time or the bandwidth to help?  Did I jump the gun and offer for help without realizing that it was possible that the person would really call?  There were also times when people did call back asking for help and I was not in a position to help them.  I did feel like an idiot.  Why did I in the first place make an offer which I couldn’t follow through?

At times we are also not sure whether it is appropriate to offer help to people.  What if the person concerned is not looking for our help?  Maybe I’ll offend the person by presuming that the person needs help?

This happens in organizations as well.  Managers tell team members that they can call them any time they need help and when they do get such a call for help, they start to give excuses about lack of time etc.  This really impacts the credibility.

I’ve had several instances when I took the offer of help by someone seriously and when I called them, they started to avoid or give excuses.  I felt like an idiot having believed this person; and at times insulted or hurt.

I realized that often times the offer “call me if you need anything” doesn’t work for either side.  It’s best as the famous Nike line goes “Just do it”

I remembered one such offer my friend made, which I think was fantastic and really touched me.  This was when I was down with severe sciatic pain and was immobilized for almost a week.  He called me and said “Hey I am at the nearby store running some errands, do you want me to pick up something and drop it for you on the way?”

It made me feel very comfortable.  As a seeker I didn’t feel that I would be bothering my friend much as he was already at the store.  The fact that he would drop by on the way back home was also comforting as I didn’t have to upset his schedule.

I got another one during this period.  It went like this “Hey, I am bringing Friday dinner, what would you like to have, some noodles or lasagna?”

We don’t have to sound hollow in our offer for help.  If you truly wish to help, just do it!

What kind of specific offers of help stood out for you as a person?

Do you appear as if you give a damn? – ‘Empathy pitfalls’ and the practice of CPR©

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“Don’t’ worry my boy, you are not the first, I’ve seen lots of people naked in the last 25 years” said the Doctor to my son when he was taken in for examination.

The Doctor failed to realize here that it was not about him, it was about my son’s discomfort of lying naked in front of a stranger.  While it was an attempt to reassure the patient, it lacked ‘empathy’.  In fact my son’s angry response “You might have seen many naked but I am not comfortable” put things in perspective.

“Don’t worry”; “Everything will be all right”; “It can’t be that bad”; “Like everything this one too will Passover”; “just be positive”….

Have you heard this from someone before?

Do you often rush to reassure people when they tell you their distressing stories or share their pain?

empathy

In a relationship where decisiveness and action is often valued, it is difficult not to do something to defuse others distress when it occurs. Such reassuring statements are usually made in good faith and sometimes may be probably true: that is, it is likely that everything will be all right.

Nonetheless, you would have experienced yourself that such reassurances often fail if it does not communicate an awareness of your situation.  You will agree one of the most widespread and persistent complaints today is that people don’t ‘listen’.  They blame it on being pressured for time, being preoccupied with handling their own problems, pressure to deliver results and so on….  Plenty of excuses on offer.

How many times you would have heard the following as responses to your reassurances?  “You don’t seem to understand my predicament”; “it’s easy for you to say it can’t be that bad”; “how do you expect me to be positive in such a situation”; “it’s not happening to you so you can say whatever”

All these responses are an indication that you have failed to demonstrate empathy.  An understanding of the person’s situation, perspective and feelings and to communicate that understanding back to the person.

Many times when we are confronted with distressful stories of people, we do not know how to listen empathetically.  In our anxiety to help we jump the gun and aggravate the pain further by offering reassurances which demonstrate lack of understanding.  Almost always having an adverse effect.

What do you think might work?  How can you demonstrate empathy?

I feel the CPR© (Clarify, Probe, Respond) method helps in this case.

Clarify – queries which will encourage the person to talk more about the distressing story;

  •  “Would you tell me a little more about that”
  • “What has this been like for you?”
  • “Is there anything else?”

Probe – to check if you have a clear understanding by using statements like;

  • “Let me see if I have got this right.”
  • “I want to make sure I really understand what you’re telling me.”
  • “I don’t want us to go further unless I’m sure I’ve got this right.”
  • “Please correct me if I don’t get it right, okay?”

Respond – to reaffirm and communicate your understanding of the whole situation

  • “That sounds very difficult.”
  • “I can imagine that this might feel . . .”
  • “Anyone in your situation would feel that way . . .”
  • “I can see that you are . . .”

A pause while practicing CPR© goes a long way in demonstrating empathy.  It helps others experience being understood

Too often, we hear only what we want to hear, and discount what we consider irrelevant.

What is the most ‘empathic response’ you have heard?  Add to the list..

© thecriticaldialogue.com

Are you a ‘trash can’ for others toxic behaviors?

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“My boss sent my wife a friend request on Facebook with a personal message and she didn’t take kindly to that behavior.  She blocked him promptly and wants me to confront him on this” said Sam (name changed) an employee in a client organization.  She’s been asking me everyday whether I did what she asked me to do i.e, confront my boss.  When I say that I will do it at an appropriate time, she gets angry and starts alleging that I am not showing enough concern and not able to protect her.  This is draining me emotionally and I am dreading the thought of facing her back home everyday.

toxic people

“Why don’t you just tell your boss about his unacceptable behavior?” I asked.  Don’t you think it is important to confront him immediately before your relationships starts to stink from accumulated trash from both ends?

I really want to confront him about it, but am afraid he will be upset and that will effect my work and relationship with him.  He is a nice guy and has been extending lot of support to me and helping me grow, said Sam.

Are you feeling good about this whole situation? I asked Sam. Isn’t it draining you emotionally when you have been accumulating this trash on a daily basis?  Don’t you think you must clear your emotional trash can before the stench of it starts to spread to all your relationships?

I really want to but do not know how? Said Sam.

Sam’s is not an isolated case.  We find that people are living, walking, talking “emotional trash cans” without even realizing that its filling up fast and would then start to affect the mental health as well as relationships.

I remember one such incident which taught me why it is important to shed your “emotional trash” before it becomes toxic for you.  It was at the airport and here was a guy who jumped the queue and went straight ahead to the front acting as if he has not seen people waiting their turn.  I was angry and instead of telling that guy to get back in line, I started to discuss with my partner who was with me about how even the educated do not have the civility to behave in public spaces.  I continued my internal dialogue “how do this people even get this far?”  “what’s happening to the world?”  “Why do people behave this way?” and many more.  It just spoilt my mood and the trash of this transaction carried forward for the entire flight as well.  I was getting irritated by the slightest of noise from a child who was 4 rows away and in a playful mood.  I was angry at the flight attendant not coming soon enough to serve me my pre-booked meal which I blamed on poor service attitude.  I was not happy with fact that a fellow passenger was snoring and some were talking loudly disturbing my peace.

I must say, by the time I landed, I was filled with a lot of emotional trash and it had started to emanate stench outside of me – in my transactions.  It was just a matter of telling the guy who cut the queue to get back in line.  It was my right and as much as the right of all others who were in queue.  I am sure if I had pointed that out to him, he would have complied, even if reluctantly or sheepishly so.  But I chose to keep the trash of that man’s toxic behavior inside me.

So many of us go about our day accumulating ‘trash’ from the toxic or negative behaviors of others and fail to clear and carry them to bed instead.  Garbage accumulated over many days starts to impact our transactions with the outside world.  That’s the reason why when relationships go bad we say “my relationship stinks”.

Sam was waiting for the opportune time and in the meanwhile building up his own stories about how his boss wouldn’t have had a bad intent, how his wife was over reacting, how it might effect his relationship with boss, how he could even lose his job for leveling allegations against his boss and so on….  It was already starting to effect his relationship both in office and at home.  In office, he started to see his boss’s overly friendly nature towards him with suspicion and with a hidden agenda.  At home he was fighting with his wife over not confronting his boss.

I told Sam “If you are really honest with yourself, you will find it’s worth it – that you are better off than being a trash can for others negative behaviors”.  It’s important that you clear ‘trash’ regularly as you would do to the physical garbage at home.

So many of us would have faced such behaviors.  Lewd comments, suggestive texts, crass jokes, sexist jibes, adding us to groups without prior approval and so on….

Many choose to let it pass without realizing that it is that little bit of garbage which will eventually pile up to become a toxic dump of negative emotions.

How do you think Sam should approach this?  How would you deal with this?  How should Sam articulate his ‘critical feedback’ to his boss?

©thecriticaldialogue.com

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

When you are ‘furious’ – be ‘curious’ – How to listen during a critical dialogue?

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“You never accept Pa.  You pick up an argument and stick to your guns without trying to understand what I am trying to tell you.  Just go and leave me alone”

I remember when I heard this for the first time from my son, my emotions were running wild.  I was hurt and he said he wanted to be left alone and didn’t want me to interfere.  I was angry as well.  How can he be so curt and not understand the concerns of a parent?  How can he take me so lightly?  I think this was spiraling out of control.

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Almost all parents go through these emotions at some point in their life and I was no different.  In spite of your best intent, there are times when ‘the critical dialogue’ with a family member turns into an argument where your purpose changes from understanding to winning.  You hate to lose and begin to lose control of the conversation.  Simple matters escalate to include various other baggage which we might be carrying over the years of which the other doesn’t have a role to play.  It confuses, frustrates, angers and becomes emotionally draining.

So what do you do in such a situation?  “When you are ‘furious’ the best strategy is to become ‘curious’.

In an argument the most impacted is our ‘listening’.  We tend to turn every discussion into a battle and want to outwit each other without trying to understand each other’s point of view.  Many times I have observed as a facilitator when others argue almost furiously, they are actually saying the same thing or meaning the same, only that they seem to use different tone and statements.  In fact I am able to find a lot of points where both the parties seem to be in agreement.  Maybe even 90% with only 10% disagreement.  Have you found this happening?

I call this ‘furiously agreeing’ to each other.

The problem with this type of listening is that we are ‘listening as an adversary’ than a ‘buddy’.  When that happens the purpose of the discussion or argument turns to defend, contend with, resist or oppose’ and the attitude turns to ‘me Vs. you’.  The strategy then turns to ‘I have to make them feel wrong or point holes in their story or dominate the debate’ . We then start to judge, argue, interrupt, debate just to score a point.  The impact of such listening is ‘resentment’.  As my son, felt at that time.  He started to resent the idea of speaking to me as I somehow was not willing to or not showing any interest in listening to his point of view.

 I was worried.  I was the only one to whom he used to open out and talk and if this continued, he would lose an ally and start looking elsewhere for comfort.  I thought deep about what I could do?  Is there something which I can change in the way I  ‘listened’?

Listening you will agree suffers the most when you are engaged in a critical conversation with someone with whom you have a deep emotional connection.  These are the relationships we take for granted.  We do not much care to choose our words and actions wisely, thereby negatively impacting our communication.  We realize only when there is a breakdown and by that time it could be too late.

The best way to listen is by starting with the following questions in your mind.  What do I really want?  What is the best behavior I need to demonstrate to get the outcome I really want? How can I make it ‘safe’ for the other person to speak more?

Turn yourself into the ‘buddy’ mode of listening.  You would have experienced yourself that you are so comfortable talking to your best buddy.  Have you ever thought of the underlying reasons for that?  It’s because our best buds don’t judge us, they allow us to be who we are, they care for you, they are not in it to win-it.  More importantly they are ‘curious’ about you and your feelings.

So learn to ‘listen as a buddy’.  Let’s look at the steps (The 5 R’s ©)

Step 1. Recognize – the need for people to express themselves and their need to be heard.  “I understand that you really want to share some things with me”

Step 2. Request – ask questions as if you are curious to know more “I really would like to hear what makes you think I never care to listen?  What do I do which makes you feel that way”

Step 3. Reflect – confirm your understanding by repeating the speakers exact words.  It’s also like ‘mirroring’.  “So you say that I interrupt you before you complete your sentence?”

Step 4. Rephrase – using your own words to confirm the meaning.  “So you are saying that it’s best that I allow you to complete your sentence before I respond?”  Is that correct?

Step 5. Respond – with ‘open ended questions’ to deepen your understanding.  “ tell me more”; “what are your expectations from me which will make you more comfortable as you speak?”  You can even add value to the conversation by putting forth your own thoughts in a safe manner like “I agree and…..” instead of the typical confrontational “I agree but”

When you start to ‘Listen as a buddy’ your purpose is to “understand, support, assist”.  And the key attitude is “it’s me and you” ; the strategy changes from ‘me against you’ to ‘me and you’.

As I realized, my son really didn’t have much disagreement with what I was trying to say but his concern was that the way I was communicating with him.  When I changed to being his ‘buddy’, we started to have more and more of ‘the critical dialogue’ which otherwise would have been lost in furious arguments or silent resentment.

We must remember that most arguments consist only of 5 to 10 percent of the facts which people disagree with.  Our focus must always be on the ‘points of agreement’ on which we can have a meaningful dialogue and work through our differences.

So how do you Listen; as an “Adversary” or  a “Buddy”?

© thecriticaldialogue.com

Just how important is an apology?  Turning a critical dialogue to a more meaningful one!

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The following two incidents , one at work and the other at home would put things in perspective.

I remember one incident in office where there was an impending senior management visit along with one of our client representative.  This account was crucial so much so that they contributed a significant amount to our bottom line.

Our boss gave us a whole lot of tasks to complete before the D-day.  Our team had burnt the midnight oil in getting things ready and waited with excitement to showcase our capabilities both to the client and to the senior management team.

The day arrived, the client and our management team arrived and were first involved in a long closed door meeting with our Boss.  Our excitement turned to dejection when post that meeting, the team just left and our Boss after sending them off got back to his seat and started to work as if we didn’t exist.

All of us were fuming and wanted to know what happened and why we were not met by the client and the management team.  We confronted our boss and what irritated us was his response “Hey, they didn’t find the need and so did I at that moment, so what’s the big deal?”

This is where it started to get ugly and we shot back in unison “next time we are not going to do an overnight’er and this is the last time.  You know we worked our ass off for you and you didn’t even bother to come by and let us know what happened”

This was going nowhere as he shot back “You guys don’t have to tell me how to run the business.  I am the one who decides and I am clear that it was the most appropriate thing to do at that time, that of not making them stay longer”

This response clearly indicated that the Boss here has taken the confrontation as a show of disrespect by his team on his judgment of the situation.  The dialogue had turned critical and heading towards conflict.

A similar dialogue at home, when I returned home late from work as we had a huge crisis to be dealt with in office.  It was both mentally and physically exhausting.  The moment I entered home, my Wife shouted “I’ve been waiting here like an idiot, thinking that you will come early today and take me out on a promised date and here you are who didn’t care to even inform me.  You never keep your promises and this is the last time I am believing you”

This dialogue was also turning critical.  I shot back “Oh! please give me a break.  I am already exhausted dealing with all that is happening in office and now I have you to content with at home”

Both these instance will tell you when the dialogue gets critical.  It’s the type of response we give or get during such conversation.

In both instances you will find that the parties involved i.e, Boss and Team, Spouse and Yourself, the outbursts were an indication that all felt violated and were fighting for respect.  People felt ‘hurt’.

The best option is for you to step out of the ‘content’ of the dialogue and see what caused this aggressive response.

An apology would have done a world of good and moved the dialogue into a more meaningful understanding of each other.

saying sorry quoteAn apology which sincerely expresses your regret in your role to have caused that hurt in others.  The boss could have simply responded by saying “I am so sorry, I couldn’t give you guys an opportunity to showcase your work, after all the hard work you put in”  This would have led the team to then calm down and start asking more meaningful questions like “what transpired in the meeting?” etc.

Similarly, I could have just responded with something like “I am so sorry, I know I screwed up and couldn’t make it early and I didn’t call you”  I couldn’t extricate myself from the mess in office”  Would have brought my wife to at least calm down and ask “what happened” instead of blaming me.

In both instances I felt an apology would have moved the dialogue from critical to meaningful.  My wife keeps reminding me all the time that a “sorry” would help than attacking back.  It irritates her that instead of showing some respect, I start to attack as a defense mechanism.  It then escalates into a full scale show down with no meaningful conclusion and a lot of ‘hurt’ as residue.

We seem to always get caught in the fight to win and our ego adds fuel to the fire.  The best way is to sacrifice a bit of your ego by admitting your mistakes.

Now I know, we place high value to our ‘ego’.  But whenever you give up something you value, you are rewarded with something even more valuable, i.e., a healthy dialogue and better outcome.

All it takes is an apology!

Idiots Can’t Lie! – Tips To Identify If Someone Is….

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Lying takes more cognitive effort than being honest. You have to work hard to keep your facts straight. Once you start down the path of lying, you not only have to remember facts, but also the facts you kept changing and how.

Imagine that you told one of your friends that you bought an item for far less than the actual price, you not only have to reveal where you got the offer, till when does the offer exist and so on. Now consider this, if someone else, let’s say a common acquaintance asks you about the same item you will have to come up with a story which is consistent with the lie you told earlier, lest you get caught. Needless to say, it takes great amount of effort to remember all the lies you end up telling which at times leads to immense cognitive overload. To cover one lie you end up telling another one and so on.

Idiots

To build on the lies you tell you need high levels of creative thinking, after all the story you build need to sell and must be believable. Most of us are also endowed with a sense of identifying deception however we rarely trust our instincts and start to rationalize such thoughts as mere imagination. Here are some of the tips for you to identify if someone is lying. These tips can be useful for you even in interviewing prospective candidates for a job as well.

Tip #1: Less on specifics – Someone telling the truth will be providing you with a lot of details of the story. If its about a trip they will be able to recall all the details of the journey, like what they saw, heard, landmarks, colors et al. A liar will try to be as vague as possible on the details, including time because these are difficult to construct and then keep consistent for future repetition. A great example is of the cops who frequently ask questions related to detailing of an incident to the witnesses or the possible convict. They ask you to reconstruct the events repeatedly over a few days to see if you are consistent with your story.

Tip #2: Excuse of a poor memory – People who tell the truth don’t have a problem remembering as they have lived it or experienced the event or occurrence. It comes pretty easy to them to repeat as it is a true event. However, liars frequently excuse themselves of a poor memory. They will use terms like “don’t exactly remember”, “Not sure”, “mostly”, “broadly” which are indicative of an effort to keep it safe and vague. In reality it is not their poor memory that is the problem but their distress in constructing a story of an event which did not occur.

Tip #3: Keeps the story short or vague – Keeping it short helps to overcome the effort of building a string of lies. When the story is vivid and longer, it is coming mostly out of true events. Lies have to be created in the head and doing it on the fly would mean you can’t get to be elaborate. While people prefer brevity in conversations, it pays to remain patient and allow the person to narrate as much details as possible and without interruption. For an interviewer, it is important that he remains absolutely silent after asking a question and allow the person to exhaust himself of the narration he gives. A story of true occurrence will take a longer time than a lie.

Tip #4: Will be full of contradictions – A true story will bind together well than a series of lies. When you allow the person to keep on talking you will find that slowly but surely the person who lies will start making contradicting statements about the event. True events will not have such contradictions. Therefore, when you have a series of interviews scheduled in your organization, it is important to keep the questions same and exchange notes to check for consistency. I find that rarely do we ask the very same questions. Each interviewer wants to showcase his ability in asking the most difficult questions than the previous one.

Tip #5: Thinks hard before answering questions – A liar would most obviously have to think through and construct a string of lies before he sets out to answer your questions. You must keenly observe the person immediately after you ask a question and if you find that there is a long pause, it could well be an indication that what is being told is not true or are missing facts.

Tip #6: Is fidgety or in a hurry to end the conversation – An honest person is willing to spend a lot of time having a conversation with you and is enthusiastic about narrating the whole story. He has to be interrupted to be stopped. A liar on the other hand will be always in a hurry to end the conversation and move on to another subject or appear to be fidgety all the time. Watch the end of your conversation and if you find a sense of relief it is an indication that the person was not wholly truthful. However, if the person is happy to continue the conversation, most likely that what he is talking about is from true events.

Tip #7: Talks slowly and deliberately – A liar constructs sentences with lot of care in order to make sure that he doesn’t get caught. He would also pause a lot before every sentence is uttered. While we have been led to believe that when someone speaks slowly and deliberately, the person is thoughtful and intelligent, the fact is that the intelligence is being used to construct stories which may not be wholly true. An honest person will be in the flow and is not deliberate in his speech.

Who do you like ‘An honest idiot’ or ‘a brilliant liar?

3 keys to build bonds and satisfying relationships

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According to me the 3 keys to build true bonds and truly productive relationships is summed up by the following:

  1. Don’t ‘be’ what you think others want you to ‘be’relationships
  1. Don’t expect others to ‘be’ what you expect them to ‘be’
  1. Just ‘be’ what you want to ‘be’

This is what I call as ‘Be’ing the relationship.  You will find yourself a fantastic relationship built on freedom, openness and trust.

Agree?

 

Relationships – Get some clarity!

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Once you experience ‘clarity’, you will see differences as a great opportunity in your relationships than as conflicts.  Somehow, I find that we tend to consciously try and surround ourselves with people who hold the same views or piece of everything we hold.  We get around us people who support our point of view, thinking that if we can collect enough of the same pieces of everything, we can have all of everything.

clarity in relationships

We fail to realize that the more you collect the same of everything, the more you will miss the other pieces required to complete the jigsaw puzzle.

It’s like collecting a lot of ‘tyres’ without having the supporting frame, handle, spokes, brakes, chains etc.  You just cannot build a Bicycle only with ‘tyres’ can you?  When you become conscious of this reality and start seeking out people who are ‘different’ and can support our process of growth is when the ‘wheels of our life’ start to run.

As with all the component parts of the ‘Bicycle’ we need to consciously surround ourselves with people who have learnt something which we are yet to learn.

Go get some clarity…..

‘Perception’ influences Human Relations?

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That many aspects impact our human relations and ‘perception’ is important.

Perception is the recognition and interpretation of sensory stimuli based upon our memory.  In other words, it is the way you interpret data around you. The data may come from sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing.

How we perceive is also based on our personality, attitude, knowledge, experiences, values which we have acquired over the years.  They somehow put things in a ‘box’.  Therefore, it becomes at times difficult to relate to others if ‘perceptual sets’ do not match.

Perception

It’s like trying to put a square peg in a round hole.

The challenge with perception in human relations is that we may not always understand someone else’s perception and/or assume their perception is our own. This is where disagreements and other communication issues can occur.

For example, if you perceive that your spouse is too focused on spending time with friends, your interactions with him/her will be based upon this perception. You may perceive him/her to be distant/disinterested in you. It could make you frustrated and short tempered.

At work as well; perceptions can also cause miscommunications. For example, you may perceive your coworker to be lazy because he always arrives to work at 9:15 a.m. and the start time is 9 a.m.

Suppose he has a differently abled child with a special need, and the school where he drops him/her doesn’t open until 9 a.m.? Perhaps he has already informed your human resources team of which you are unaware. This perception can be a dangerous one, since we don’t have all of the facts.

Remember, your perceptions are completely dependent on the facts you possess at that time.  It may not be complete and can be detrimental to your human relations.

Next time when you find it difficult to relate to others, just ask yourselves the question – Is it my perception or do I have complete facts?

Am I trying to fit a ’Square Peg’ in a ‘Round hole’?