The negative consequences of parental communication

There is no denying the fact that we inherit most of our traits from our parents.  My strong conviction about how a bed should be made to how the icing should be on the cake.  Not to forget all my anxiety.

Though your parents didn’t intentionally gift you a worrisome nature, unwittingly how they spoke to you when you were young definitely had an impact on your anxiety and worry in adulthood.

It’s important to understand that most parents would have inadvertently said offending or paradoxical things to a child at least a few times in their lives.  They might not have had the time to think through the psychological implications of their words and action.

Words can be powerful and can generate intense feelings of anxiety in children, your actions can be even more powerful.  As a parent, your role is to provide a predictable and reliable environment.  As parents, your words can become problematic when you invalidate what your child is feeling.  Unpredictable behaviors make children anxious and create an emotional template that becomes problematic for the child in adulthood.  It is important to understand that your children rely on you to validate their confusing emotions and feelings and when as parents you deny or minimize those feelings, they tend to get anxious when those very emotions reappear.

Some words and phrases often used by parents which must be avoided are:

  1. Stop crying, don’t be a sissy, be strong! – statements like these can convey to the child that being sad and expressing those emotions are bad or unacceptable.  As a result when such feelings resurface in adulthood, it leads to anxiety as they wouldn’t know how to respond leading to suppressing those emotions.
  2. Relax, calm down! – Often when someone is going through an anxious situation, people end up making this statement which is counterproductive. Though the intent is to help and diffuse the situation, the person becomes even more anxious.  They would start to feel that they do not have the ability to deal with the situation as others which can erode their self-confidence.  It is like a quicksand, the more you repeat the more anxious the child becomes.
  3. Come on, hurry! – Almost every parent would have made this statement and almost on a daily basis when their children have to get ready for school.  “Now, you are irritating me, hurry up before I blow my top”, such statements have never really worked.  Those who have experienced would vouch for it.  The more you shout the more delayed the kids will be.  They get very anxious unable to deal with the situation, often leaving them confused and exasperated.  There are better ways to manage.
  4. There is nothing to worry about – This is another statement which can actually make the child even more worried.  They might perceive it as an attempt to diffuse a situation which they must actually be worried about.  By attempting to quickly put off the flame you end up having the opposite effect.
  5. Not a big deal – Is a statement that makes the child feel that you have not completely understood their emotional state and are brushing it aside.  This can lead to detachment, and they would stop sharing their feelings with you.  Over a period of time, they would learn how to suppress such feelings leading to anxiety.
  6. Don’t climb the tree, you are going to fall and break your bones! – Why do we have to exaggerate in an attempt to stop our kids from doing certain things which we don’t want them to?  Why don’t we look at conveying our concerns in a more realistic way and help them make the choices?  When you keep repeating such statements, they become fearful of action and tentative in their approach as adults.
  7. Come here, let me do that for you – communicates to the child that they are incapable of handling the situation on their own.  While your intent is to help your child, it has the opposite effect.  They become afraid of making choices as they grow up to be adults.
  8. You can do whatever you want and feel like, I am there for you! – this may sound like a very positive statement to make, however, has a devastating effect on the psyche of your child.  We wouldn’t realize that the child could perceive it as a compromise the parent is willing to make for his/her happiness.  Statements like “I have never stopped you from doing anything”; “I have always given you the permission to do what you feel” etc., still communicates a lack of intent to engage with the child or you are still the one calling the shots.  Ponder!

It is highly unlikely that you will never make any of the statements I have mentioned above.  However, being mindful of the deep impact it can have on your child and its consequence, when they grow up to be adults, will make a huge difference!

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Paradox – Parenting guffaws

Have you not served them their gingerbread yet?

Asked the baker momma to her little girls so fret.

We were just going to, momma,

Said the girls on the edge of trauma.

Just going to? Oh indeed!

Said momma fierce in her voice and deed.

That is so very interesting,

And who may I ask, permit you that giving?

We didn’t give it away just yet momma,

We only thought after the permission you gonna.

You only thought! That is very kind of you,

I thank the both of you.

But I thank you both to not go thinking!

Cause I am here to do all the thinking.

As baker momma shouted in her terrible voice

The poor girls seem to have lost their voice.

Tears welled down baker momma’s daughter,

As she burst out in a harsh crackle of laughter.

Oh! Look at her! just look at her! All cowardy,

Isn’t she a poor little cry-baby?

Baker momma shrieked pointing her knotty finger,

As large tear came coursing down her daughter.

Within minutes she made them feel small and frightened,

As the daughters distress only got heightened.

For momma blocked all three areas of human functioning,

That of her daughters acting, thinking and feeling.

Seeing all this, only this comes to mind,

Cause momma had put her daughters in a double bind.

The daughters felt so used,

The monkey is now confused!

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Positive Parenting Program

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Low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence

Positive parenting is all about learning to facilitate the transition of kids during various stages of their life. It is about building bonds.
Lack of self-confidence, low self-esteem, withdrawn, rebellious, picky, lowered attention, aloof, and less talk and demanding…

Did you know? over 50 years of research on millions for kids has revealed that genetics and the environment have roughly equal influence in their development.

Your parenting personality has a high degree of influence on the environment your kids are raised in. It facilitates their growth as ‘positive adults’!

Parenting and teamwork

Positive parenting is not just about the biological parent. It involves all the care-giver, elder sibling, single parent, grand-parents, teachers or anyone who is involved in their upbringing. 

It takes teamwork!

Positive Parenting Facilitation

Positive Parenting takes effort! it needs time, attention, money, skills, physical and emotional resources.

It demands of you to ‘step out’ of your comfort zone!

Kids who grow up to be confident and successful, have often been found to credit their parents and care-givers for all that they achieved in life.

Parenting communication

The good news! is that you don’t have to end up being a hit or miss parent. Parenting is a way of life and there are several research backed tools and skills which you can learn to help Guide, Lead, Teach, Care and more importantly Communicate with your growing up kid; that can help them grow to be confident and happy adults.

Teen coaching for success

There is nothing more rewarding! than watching your kid grow up to be happy, confident and successful in life.

As much as it takes a seed to grow into a healthy sapling, to a plant, to tree bearing fruit – it takes sustained positive parenting effort to yield positive results.

That is made possible through our ‘Positive Parenting Program’ for you and your family of care-givers.

Positive parenting outcomes

Outcome you can expect

Enhanced self-confidence and self-esteem

Improved social and problem-solving skills while enhancing relationship quality with you and their care-givers and peer group

Improved creativity and self-determination in your children

Learn to make informed choices

Make them more responsible and accountable

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Program content

Know what you bring to the table as a parent?

Know how your personality influences your parenting?

How to use your self-awareness in understanding your child?

What are the predictors for understanding your child’s predispositions?

How to use the power of observation to spot opportunities / talents of your child?

How to identify the underlying factors which influence a child’s behavior?

How to develop high self-esteem in your child?

How to set your child up for success and happiness in life?

Who is this for? anyone who is responsible for and part of the environment in which a child grows is a ‘parent’.  It could be a care-giver, elder sibling, single parent, grand-parents, teachers or anyone who is involved in their upbringing.  It takes teamwork!

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