Crazy as this may sound, you may find it hard to recognize for what it really is?

Over the years you have very carefully selected people to share your life with who are to some extent what I call your ‘substitute parents’.  They know how to plug into your weak areas.  They can, if they wish, avoid talking to you altogether, and simply address themselves directly to your inner-parent (in your head that is).  Simply because they are there as a substitute for your parents, they know what makes you feel guilty, or angry, worried or fearful.

I am sure you would have experienced, the people you are close to are by definition those who have the most power to hurt you emotionally, because they know best, out of all the people in this world, what hurts you and makes you feel bad.  They would have hardly been your friends, lovers, parents or children if they did not know you well enough for this isn’t it?

It is possible that they do not do this deliberately, but have the power to do so.  And you are the one who has let them have the ‘power’.

In my experience, wives and husbands are nearly always substitute parents to some extent; many of them are almost like-for-like substitutes.  The traditional way is to choose a girl like mum, or a boy like dad.  In the majority of families when a child grows up and gets married, he or she tries to choose somebody his or her parents approve of.  Somebody like themselves or very near enough to be able to do a similar job of looking after their child.  People very rarely marry somebody from a different class, or with a different standard of education or living.  Did you realize that most people marry from their own neighbourhood.  Also we tend to fall in love and to marry people whom we see as very similar to ourselves in tastes, opinions and outlook on life, attitudes.  With almost unerring instinct we look out for and find a person who has been brought up to understand us, because he or she has been subjected to a similar process of up-bringing.  We find a person who can fit in to the inner-parent in ourselves and take over from it to help us do the job at that time, basically to take over from where our parents left of.

Similarly our friends are the people who we trust most.  Usually it means that we know they can hurt us but choose not to.  We chose them because they seem to understand us.  They are usually similar set of people who grew up with impossible demands from their parents that they are trying to meet.  We in turn give them the power to make us feel guilty, to press the same buttons which our own parents can press, and which our parents put there.  That is probably the reason why we feel at home with our friends.

If you are a parent, then it is a fact you must face that they have made a careful study of you and your personality as well.  They know what makes you angry, and afraid; what makes you worry and stops you being decisive.  They can place impossible demands on you too by triggering off any of these reactions.  You have inadvertently given them this power.  It is probably the way you have loved them.  In this way they have become your substitute parents.  If you have any doubt reflect on the times when you noticed that your children seem to know precisely when to approach you or leave you alone, say things which  might please you or do things which makes you happy.  In fact as parents we expect our children to look after us from time to time and expect them to act in a parental way towards us.

You cannot and should not let them have this power.  You have to gently and firmly take it away from them.  You have to be able to stop over-reacting whenever they make you feel like a child again, faced with impossible demands.

Remember when you try to change and take control over your life there will be a lot of resistance from your inner-parent and also substitute parents as you might be threatening to take away their power over you as ‘substitute parents’.

Have you surrounded yourselves with ‘substitute parents’?  It’s time to take back control.

Stress, Trauma and Emotional drain is not just restricted to adults, even kids go through the same albeit silently.  It is therefore imperative that we start talking about and preparing for the lockdown and post lockdown effects on our children.

While most schools and teachers have used the lockdown period to go online and be in touch with children, it is just not enough.

This is the time when your parenting is put to the ultimate test.  With no outlets to expend their energy and much needed social needs and the already depleted parental energy due to anxiety and WFH stress, the problem is compounded.

This is especially problematic for those who are parenting single child.  The only means of direct communication for such children is the parent and if you do not spend lot of time it could lead to a long-term damage to the emotional well-being of children.

Here are some of the challenges which kids might be facing which could lead to a lot of emotional drain in them.

Privacy

Being at home comes with a little compromise on privacy.  Children might lock themselves up in their rooms; but for how long?  There is always this feeling for them that parents might just walk-in to their room anytime.  They also might be worried that their private conversations with their friends or even themselves might be heard by anxious or inquisitive parents who might just be eves dropping.  If they remain silent while being locked up in their rooms, they might get called out every once in a while, by their parents who want to check on their well-being.  The problem here is that the child may end up feeling that parents are too nosy and are not allowing ‘me’ time which otherwise they would have got away from home.  It really is a double-edged sword for the parent, on one hand you got to be sensitive to the need for privacy and on the other for the safety and well-being of your child.

Abuse

Children may also be subject to physical and verbal abuse during such times.  Overly stressed parents who are grappling with the anxiety of whether or not they will be able to keep their job post lockdown, the added pressure of work from home and office metrics might find themselves on the edge.  Add to that the constant news feed via internet and social media about the grave consequences post lockdown might already be feeding into their vulnerabilities.  Such parents are ready to snap at any moment. They might have more frequent angry outbursts at their demanding children who seek their attention and might even get physical if not able to control.  The children especially those who are not having their own phones or means of communication with the outside world under such circumstances have no support and may be traumatized.  In the normal world as it was pre Covid19, they had the opportunity to walk-in to the school counselors’ room and share their problems, today they will have to seek solutions from those who are purportedly part of the problem.

Conflicts

It’s very rare that families go without conflicts.  Some are very loud and visible and the others lying below the surface.  Parents might have kept their kids isolated from their personal conflicts but now they have no way of doing so.  Children are quite intuitive to pick up any sign of stress in interpersonal relationship and might be in deep trauma.  They might be silently suffering as they would be grappling with the very thought of losing any one of their parents to such conflicts.  Some parents may inadvertently be putting pressure on the child to take sides which adds to severe emotional drain.

Fear

When confronted with uncertainties of life and the daily news of rising death toll due to Covid19 in your neighborhood, there exists a constant fear lurking in the minds of children about the ‘what if’.  About what would happen to them if anything untoward happens to their parents; especially so if they are healthcare workers in the frontline fighting the pandemic.  Coupled with that the news of some maniac going on shooting spree and killing dozens of innocents in the process.  The fear – ranging from stocks running out to not being able to get anything to eat or plainly not knowing what would happen next can be difficult for the young minds to handle.  Add to this when parents are unable to answer their question about how things would pan out in the future will surely leave a deep negative impact.

What can the parents do in such situations?  They themselves are clueless about the future.

Playtime

It’s very difficult to simulate the real classroom and playground at home or on the internet.  With some looking at lockdown to continue up until July and the threat of infection spreading even after would definitely restrict or constrain their playtime.  The problems are compounded for those who live in constricted apartments in big cities.  There is no way board games and internet is going to satiate their thirst of the outdoors.  Young kids have so much energy ready to explode that only outdoor playgrounds can help expend.  Also, parents with best of intentions and effort may not be able to match up to such needs.  Social contact is so much important and the stress occurring by the lack of it is palpable.

Sharing

Children may be exposed to conversations of elders or parents which they may be ill-equipped to handle or comprehend or simply wouldn’t have been a party to in normal times.  The pressure is as much on parents as to what should be the tone, tenor and content of their communication with each other lest the young minds may form their own conclusions.  What to share and what not to is going to be a big challenge.

Health

Stressed out parents who are not able to spend time or energy with kids may indulge in providing regular treats ranging from food to digital time.  This may build habits which are unhealthy in the long run.  We all know that during stressful times we tend to eat types of food which provide instant gratification though not good for health.  One factor which contributes to childhood obesity is stress and its important that parents look at this dimension during lockdown.  Lack of physical exercise and sitting for long hours does impact health adversely.

Digital safety

The new normal during and post lockdown will be the widespread use of internet for everything.  From shopping to learning to working, you name it.  We all know that the amount of time kids has already been spending using digital devices has been contributing adversely to the mental health.  Keeping the digital world safe is so important without being do restrictive.  Children may inadvertently get exposed to material which can have a deep impact on their psyche.  With cyber predators taking this opportunity to increase their attacks on the vulnerable sections of the society which even the adults are falling prey to; it will not be easy on the child.

These are some of the areas which I thought all parents must seriously consider and look to address.  The trauma on the child during and post lockdown can leave a scar for lifetime.

What other aspects do you think we need to consider?

WHY DON’T YOU SEND YOUR PARENT PACKING? – How to enjoy yourself.

Preposterous! You might say when you read the headline.  I don’t mean the one living with you but the one who is inside of you – your inner-parent.

There definitely seems to be an impact of how parenting has influenced your ability to enjoy yourself.

Many parents, doing their best to bring up their children in a far from perfect world, teach them to feel guilty, ashamed, and embarrassed.  The things you feel guilty, ashamed or embarrassed about are probably the ones you know your parent would not want you to enjoy.  You might want to pause right now and make a list of them.  Most people vary in the triggers for these feelings.  When you find yourself doing things you know you are not supposed to enjoy, or which you should not find amusing or pleasurable, then you end up punishing yourself with bad feelings.

How then to enjoy yourself?

Now you are in charge of your own life, you can diminish your inner store of bad feelings by getting rid of some of the items you are not supposed to enjoy.  It is time to take off some of the restraints your parent imposed and which you have perpetuated.  Over the next few days or better still make time to enjoy at least one thing your parents would have disapproved of.  Make sure also that somebody else is told that you have done this and enjoyed it.  Without apologizing ofcourse! Everybody’s list will be different and not fit everyone’s circumstance.  Here are a few which you can ponder on and would help you get started.

If your parent was always moaning about money, go and do something extravagant.  Buy yourself something you cannot afford, and then face up to your own feelings of guilt.  They are coming from your built-in parent, and they stem from the impossible demand that you should not enjoy yourself without the parents permission.  Each time you feel yourself worrying, or feeling guilty, tell the parent in your head to grumble at somebody else.  You have the right to act without permission, and to spend too much money, and you have taken over that right and exercised it.  It is not your parent’s business when you enjoy yourself, and that is the end of the matter.

If you are embarrassed by dirty jokes, find a book or magazine or blog which contains this kind of joke or cartoon.  Learn the joke by heart and tell somebody who you can tell.  Do not give up.  This is what the tyrannical side of your parent wants you to do, but you are now running your own life.  Tell the parent in your head to do something rude, and start the joke again.  The important part of this exercise as you can see is to unlearn one of your inner fears, so that something in future will be less embarrassing.  This is done by sending the inner-parent packing.

Another suggestion you might like to follow and which might help to defuse the hidden anger and fear in you is to give yourself permission to be noisy.  It acts as an antidote to hidden anger at having to be quiet as a child, to stop yourself from showing off in front of embarrassed adults to worrying about what will the neighbors think, to letting go when you feel good and many more.  Above all it will set you on the road to sheer enjoyment of being yourself.

The sexual act of course is one such area whether it is with your partner or with yourself where you can be uninhibited and make some noise without the fear of what will others think; more importantly your inner-parent thinks.  It can force you to face up to strict parental controls left over from childhood.  Maybe you know this already, and never let the opportunity pass without vocalizing it in full voice.  It is surprising though how many of us do not.  We perform sexually, instead of enjoying ourselves.  This pleases the parent in the head, who was never quite sure that it was a ‘good thing’ to let yourselves be sexual.

If you felt embarrassed or a little uncomfortable reading the above paragraph then you must surely ask your inner-parent to pack off.

Make a list right now of all those things which makes you feel embarrassed, guilty or ashamed. Review the list to see how much of it is actually a result of your parents influence on you which now has gotten converted to being your inner-parent.

If you are a ‘parent’ and are instilling a sense for ‘embarrassment’, ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ in your child then it is time for you to pack your bags.

ARE YOU READY TO PACK OFF YOUR PARENT?

YOU DON’T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT! – A LESSON OF PATIENCE DURING LOCKDOWN

Have you ever been shopping with your girlfriend to a cloth store?  Did you feel frustrated waiting endlessly, sometimes for hours before she finally picked a piece?  Or did you have to walk out in futility after she couldn’t find the right fit or design – that after couple of hours being spent in and out of the trial room?

If you didn’t feel frustrated then “congratulations”; you have a very strong muscle of patience or have built it up with regular exercise 😊

I for one am still trying to develop this muscle.  Ofcourse there is a break because of the lockdown and I am dying to get back and do some work on it.

You will agree, ‘Patience’ is one of the hardest lessons and perhaps the most frustrating to learn.  Because of the lockdown when you can only just make it to the neighborhood store and stay at home, it becomes quite challenging for most to learn the lesson of patience.  When you are sick or dependent, everywhere you turn there is a lesson in patience.  You have to learn this lesson ‘inside-out’.

One lesson of patience is that you don’t always get what you want.  You may want something right now but may not get it for a while.  You will however always get what you need, even it does not fit into your mind frame.

People have not been used to living with discomfort.  You expect results and gratification, right now.  You want answers faster than they can be delivered.  There are 24X7 service and shopping available for you.  If you were hungry, there is always food available on call, grocery on call, cab on call and all these arrive at your door step in just a few minutes.  The digital world and the internet has really supercharged our impatience isn’t it?  Everything is instantly available.

People no longer know how to wait, or even what waiting means.  It’s nice to have what you want when you want it, but the ability to delay ‘gratification’ is important.  Studies have shown that when children were given a choice to have one cookie now or two cookies after an hour, the children who were able to wait did much better later in life.  Patience is definitely an important asset, yet so many people stand in front of their microwave thinking “hurry up” while knowing fully well that it will do its job as designed and programmed.

Or feel frustrated waiting near the elevator for it to arrive and keep telling themselves “Come on! Hurry up!”

The problem goes beyond the discomfort of waiting.  So many of us don’t know how to live with things as they are, how to live in a situation just as it is or plainly ‘just be’.   We always want to feel that there is a need to change things and it is not okay to leave things alone.  We are not able to differentiate between ‘ a thing not happening soon enough’ and ‘not playing out the way  we think it should’.

The key to patience is knowing that everything is going to be fine, developing the faith that there is a plan.  It is easy to forget this and many people try to control situations that would work out as they were meant to in their own perfect time.  Even in death some accept that it’s coming and some become impatient and want to know when?

During this lockdown due to the pandemic one important lesson I learnt is that you will not be given any life experience before you are ready, when you find the trust and develop the understanding that things are moving the way they are supposed to and in their own time; only then you relax.

‘Patience’ is a muscle you must regularly exercise and what better opportunity to do that when you have been locked down in the safety of your home for the last 40 odd days.  Little things like letting the tea heat for one more minute in the kettle, that it will take at least an hour to do your dishes, or it might take another 40 days before the locked down is called off and you can get to work.

It’s so important that we develop a deep faith that healing is always at work.  Since our mind always tries to change things we need to reassure ourselves that things are happening exactly as they are supposed to be.  Your mind wants to believe that changing your circumstance will bring you peace.  Your mind thinks you got to do something.  But the reality is that you can relax in the circumstance as they are now, knowing that deep patience will bring deep healing.

‘Patience’ is an important lesson you can learn and exercise for yourself and teach your children too during these stressful times.  Learn and teach ‘delayed gratification’.  You would have already learnt by now that you need only a ‘little’ to survive and be healthy and happy.

Remember, it is not the ‘alarm clock’ which wakes you up every morning, there is an invisible force which decides if we will have another day of life to wake up to.

Everything that has happened and that which is happening is that we get to learn the lessons we need.  It will move us forward to a greater good and healing.  Let’s live life as it is happening.

DID YOU LOSE YOUR PATIENCE ALONG THE WAY WHILE YOU READ THIS PIECE?

There is a saying that “you shouldn’t look for milk in a hardware store”.  This was one harsh lesson my son learnt during the first few weeks of the lockdown.

His room mate who was with him for the entire duration of his medical studies and took his help every step of the way abandoned him when he needed support the most.  He took away all the essentials, utensils, bedding et al and vacated to reach the safety of his home with the help of his dad who is a very senior official in the government.  The fact that he was secretive about this move and took my son by surprise hurt him more.  He was left wondering as to how a person could behave this way during this difficult period of lock-down.  He felt used.  His repeated pleas that he could shift essentials post the lock down seemed to have fallen on deaf ears.  The worst was that he also took away all the protective masks which they had in their house. The fact that all this happened in my son’s absence as he was working his night shifts in the hospital made the feeling worse for him.

I could sense the feeling of hurt in his voice when he called me and narrated the whole incident.  “I trusted him and thought that he is not like others who I have seen – transactional!” he exclaimed.  The problem was compounded with the fact that there was no way he could now get some of the essentials during the lockdown period.  It was stressful for us as parents as well.  As if my son’s posting in the hospital during the pandemic was not stressful enough.

I reminded my son about the times he mentioned this highly business like behavior of his friend and his family.  They apparently were people who always looked at relationships in terms of cost-benefit.  He made the mistake of thinking that he could change this attitude in his friend as he had helped him in other aspects of getting through the tough medical course.  He was sadly mistaken.

Lesson: We stay in relationships that’ don’t work for two reasons.  First, because we hope that they will change , and second we were taught that every relationship should work out.  How many times have you known or heard about people going back to old relationships that didn’t work?  How many times have you heard about a woman going back to a man who has told her that he won’t make a commitment?  If you are looking for a commitment, why go back to the person with a commitment problem?  Why go back to a dry well?

When people are frustrated in a repeat relationships, it’s as if they are looking for milk in a hardware store.  No matter how many times they go up and down the same aisles, they are not going to find any milk.  If you want love, compassion and affection in you relationships, but you have chosen a person who clearly can’t give it to you, it’s time to choose someone else.

“Don’t allow people to be reckless with your love, your heart and your tenderness”  I told my son.  And don’t allow old definitions to dictate your present life.  You can rewrite the rule book by learning to honor yourself and others, by ‘recording’ over old tapes.  You can find  a new definition of love for yourself, one that truly means treating the other person as valuable, as worthy of great love and care.  And you can expect the same treatment for yourself.  Whatever it is, it is yours to define for yourself this lifetime.

Let them be who they are.  If they leave, it might be because they were supposed to go.

“Instead of holding on to these unpleasant feelings, we must learn to say “ouch” when we are hurt, and to the person who hurt us.  Then we can move on”

This lockdown is also making people experience the cliché’ “A friend in need is a friend indeed”

ARE YOU CARRYING THE HURT FROM SOME RELATIONSHIPS WHICH WENT SOUR? 

MAYBE IT’S TIME TO RE-WRITE THE TAPE!

That’s harsh but a reality which will hit many post the pandemic.  I come to realize this of our relationships when some experiences flood my mind when locked down and isolated at home.

It’s based on my observations and experiences of the time before, during and after one of my dear friends fight with cancer.  When she was told after numerous failed attempts to first effectively diagnose and then treat her condition that her chances of survival were limited her husband was devastated.  She was given at the most 4 months to live.  This happened in 1989 when treatment options in Hyderabad were limited.

Then the best – and the worst – thing happened.  After she was moved from Hyderabad to Mumbai to be treated at the Tata Memorial, she was delivered from a death sentence to remarkable health.  Within six months, you wouldn’t have guessed that she had cancer and was on the verge of dying.  But, now her relationship was quite ill.  Her husband started to feel smothered and possessed; and complained that the passion was gone.  His experience was not surprising in relationships that are formed when one partner is quite ill and thought to be headed toward the end of life.

She confronted her husband.  “You were prepared to love, care and honor me, to be my husband until death do us part – but apparently only if I was going to die in four months.  Well I didn’t die, and now this is real relationship, a real marriage for life.  Now that there is no death sentence hanging over me, we are left with our day to day commitments, the usual problems everyone deals with.  I’m happy that I have been given the gift of life.  You act as though you have been given a life sentence”

Apparently when confronted with the reality, her husband was able to realize that it was easier to commit to loss.  He was able to see that it was one thing to be the hero, the man who came at the end of her life, and quite another to be her husband when she was going to live.

Most of us like to be a part of such fairy-tales and fantasies.  Of being a hero for someone and getting a sense of satisfaction that we could do something for someone.

All those who are pouring their elderly parents, children, family and friends with loads of attention, care and empathy have to realize that these very people would have been a pain in the past when they demanded your undivided attention and care.  You would have tried to run away from them and kept asking for solitude and ‘me time’.  Complained that they just don’t understand that you have a life too and they are taking away or asking too much of you to be there for them all the time.  It is true in marriages as well isn’t it?  Particularly those who got into fairy tale weddings after intense and passionate time of courtship.

Post the lock-down and in the future, most will be hit with the same reality of life.  You must realize the fact that in all this sudden outpouring of care and empathy, what were you trying to fix?  Isn’t it the same when you find the very politicians you despised suddenly showing enormous sense of charity; those who never did volunteering suddenly posting pictures of their charity and volunteering work on social media?

Each one of us have to think deeply.  What are we trying to fix?  Is it someone else or ourselves.

If you feel you are incomplete, not happy and comfortable with yourselves, or are not loved; you tend to seek avenues outside of yourself to satisfy that need for completeness.  You will continue seeking out for those who are dying! – though not always literally.

Relationships offer us the biggest opportunities for learning lessons in life, for discovering who we are, what we fear, where our power comes from, and the meaning of true compassion and love.  The idea that relationships are great learning opportunities may seem odd at first, because we know that they can be frustrating, challenging, even heartbreaking experiences.  But they can also be, and often are, our greatest opportunities to learn, grow, love and be loved.

ARE YOU THE ONE WHO JUST CARES CAUSE SOMEONE IS DYING?

How does ‘need for stability’ affect relationships?

There are a number of possible negative impacts on your personal relationships if you have elevated levels of this trait, according to the Big Five Personality theory. Let’s explore a few;

Perceived by others as ‘annoying’

Perhaps the most obvious complaint of those who know people who are high on their ‘need for stability’ or neuroticism scores is that their behavior can become annoying to others who are in relationships with that person.

For example, a neurotic person may be predisposed or  have a tendency to do the following which may get on the nerves of the people who interact with them.  They have a tendency to complain a lot; be critical of other people; constantly ask for reassurance; be overly dependent on others or keep asking for help instead of figuring things out for themselves; get rapidly angry in adverse situations; make mountains out of molehills

They pass on their worries

If you are high in neuroticism and have children, you might inadvertently pass on your worrying behavior to your children through modeling it to them. For example, telling your children that they can’t play at the park because they might fall and hurt themselves. Children will learn that all situations are dangerous and that they need to be watchful for threats at all times.  They are prone to look at what would potentially go wrong to the extent of freezing action.

Prone to anger and resultant conflicts

If you have a high score on neuroticism you are prone to frequent outbursts and get rapidly angry. For example, if you become enraged over minor mistakes, such as if someone cuts you off while you are driving, then you might end up in a conflict with others. If minor problems send you over the edge, you might yell or become angry at the people you feel have caused you stress.

Some people high in neuroticism might also accuse other people of doing things out of their own worry. For example, your constant worry that others have ill intention and may take away your spouse from you, might  cause you to accuse your spouse of cheating without any evidence. Your perception of threat around you is so high that people might get stressed being around you which will eventually drive them away from you.

Also, if you obsessively attentive to details and area also predisposed towards perfectionism, then you might not complete tasks that other people ask you to do, thereby creating tension and conflict.

May appear unreliable

Cause you keep worrying from time to time, you will have a tendency to constantly fly off the handle.  People will eventually learn that they can’t rely on you to be stable. They will feel as though they can’t count on you, if you are going to panic at the sign of the smallest threat. In other words, if your low tolerance for stress means that any little thing can ruin your day, people will decide that you are not the person to give the job promotion to or the one that they want to spend their life with.

High rebound time

You will take a long time to bounce back from setbacks.  You will keep ruminating on past mistakes which will start having a influence in all your current transactions. You may accumulate lot of garbage from the past and find it difficult to let go.  You may have an angry outburst on someone and the person may be left puzzled as to what made you behave that way.  It might have been a result of some bad transaction you might have had with someone else.  This has a lot of influence in your marital relationship.

Feeling of Guilt

Being highly neurotic can also lead you to feel guilty about things that’s not your fault. If you apologize for every little mistake or obsess about things you’ve done long after it’s necessary to worry about them, you may start to push people away. While you might feel as though this guilt is necessary or helpful, it’s actually hurting your relationships.

The good part ->

It’s important to note that it’s not all that bad if you have a high level of ‘neuroticism’ score.

The positive side is that it means you are sensitive and aware in a way that some others might not be. You are also likely to be the one who is always looking out for other people and trying to be sensitive to their feelings.

If you can combine these positives with some inner work to learn how to better manage your negative thoughts and emotions, then you can channel your behavior in the best possible direction so that it serves you rather than detracts from you.

All what we get to hear people talk today during lockdown, is about the great loss that people, families, communities, businesses, nations and the world have to face.

They are not wrong as this pandemic of COVID-19 has touched every life on this planet in some way or the other.  You cannot live in denial and get angry for the losses you will have to suffer.

The loss of a dear one, an event that touched deeply and at the same time disturbed me for a long time for almost 10 years taught me some important lessons on ‘LOSS’.  I realized that I have been enrolled into the graduate program of life called loss.

Eventually we lose everything we have, yet what ultimately matters can never be lost.  Come to think of it, our houses, cars, jobs, and money, our youth and even our loved ones, are just on loan to us.  Like everything else our loved ones are not ours to keep.  Realizing this doesn’t have to sadden us.  On the flip side it can give us greater appreciation for the many wonderful experiences and things we have during our time here.

In many ways life is a school, and loss forms a major part of the curriculum.  As we experience loss we also experience those we love – and sometimes even strangers who care for us in times of need.  Right from the time we suffer the loss of our mothers womb, to our childhood, to youth, toys, friends, teachers, relationships we experience loss in different forms.  All the intangibles such as our dreams, youth, independence will fade or end.  All our belongings are just on a loan to us.  Were they ever really ours?  Everything here is temporary.  Trying to find permanence is impossible and we ultimately learn that there is no safety in keeping everything and no safety in trying to prevent loss.

The problem is we like to pretend that we will always have life and the things within it.  It is amazing to see the pretenses many families of the terminally ill carry on at the end of life.  They don’t want to talk about the losses they are going through, they certainly don’t want to mention that to their dying loved ones.  The doctors don’t want to say anything to their patients either.  How foolish of us to think that these people approaching the end of their lives are not aware of the situation.  And equally foolish to think that this actually helps them.  Probably the reason why you find the dying smile at the people around them as if they want to say “how foolish of you guys to be hiding from me that I am dying”

The dying know what they are losing and understand its value.  It is the living who seem to be kidding themselves.

Most of us fight and resist loss throughout our lives, not understanding that life is loss and loss is life.

Here is a positive take on ‘LOSS’.  If you feel that you’re suffering great loss, it’s only because you have been so richly blessed by life.  “it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”

Think of it like this – those who suffer losses ultimately become stronger, more whole.  In every loss we gain.

• We may lose some hair in middle age and get wrinkled skin but realize that what’s on the inside is just as important
• When you retire you may lose some income but find more freedom
• In old age we lose a little of our independence but receive back some of the love we gave to others
• When we lose our possessions of life, we find after prolonged mourning that we are now freer and that we are meant to travel lightly
• When relationships end, we learn who we are – not in relation to others but just as ourselves.

Similarly during the lockdown period you may;

• lose going out to parties and to work but get a lot of time with family
• lose the adrenaline rush of the work related stress but will get much needed rest for your body to recover and rejuvenate
• lose dressing up and wearing designer clothes but learn that you and others look just as beautiful without them
• Not be able to have gourmet dishes but learn that you can survive with minimalism.  And you bet they taste good 😊
• Find that the balance has actually tilted towards ‘LIFE’ in your quest for ‘Work-Life balance’

I realized that even within our deepest sense of loss, Life continues.  That new beginnings are all around.

Remember – If you are fearing great ‘LOSS’ then you definitely have many ‘RICHES’

Relish your riches, immerse in them as you have been ‘enrolled in the graduate program called life!

Testing times bring with them challenges which can be hard to deal with and would take long to heal – if it would at all?

Many families the world over, who have lost their loved one’s or those who are away from their families during this time of isolation will have to deal with not just ‘fear’ but also ‘guilt’ – the ‘Survivor’s guilt’.

You may face it too!

This is one lesson which emerged for me in the last 9 days of lockdown and I started to dwell deeper.  I must say, it provided me with insights into the ‘guilt’ I have been carrying all these years and how its impairing life and living.

Just one day before the lockdown both my wife and I were with our Son who being a medical professional was to join duty on the day the lockdown was to start.  He was happy that we were there with him as he wouldn’t have to bother about the chores at home as we would take care of the cooking, cleaning and organizing for him. As we were anticipating a longer lockdown period and the possibility that his house help might not turn up, we thought of driving back home to get our stock of provisions and clothing – preparing for the long haul.

As fate would have it, we returned leaving him alone and a strict lockdown was imposed.  We had no chance of getting to him.  The house help couldn’t make it as well.  It was the start of an ordeal which he was least prepared for.  He not only had to put in long hours at the hospital but also get back home and do his bit of cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing his clothes, running errands and so much more.  It started to take a toll on him and on day 3 he was exhausted and totally stressed out.  Highly irritable, edgy and each phone call with us used to end with he reminding us of the fact that we left just when he needed us the most.

The next 5 days were a period of ‘guilt’ for myself and my wife.  We kept feeling bad that we left him alone at this time of stress.  That we couldn’t do much for him from where we were.  A feeling of despair and helplessness.  Each time we sat down to have our meal, we start to think of him and feel guilty of that fact that we left him there.  We wish that we were there and how it would have taken the load of him.  We were loading up on our ‘Guilt’.

Today is day 10 of the lockdown and the last few days have been traumatic to say the least.  Being away, feeling powerless, helpless, guilty and what not.

I am sure most of you would have also faced similar situations in your life time or are currently going through the stress from ‘guilt’.  Maybe you have stopped ‘living’?

I heard of a dear friend who sent his brother out to run some errands during the lockdown due to #coronavirus and unfortunately he came in contact with someone who was a carrier.  Poor chap had to be quarantined and is going through the pains of hospitalization.  The problem is that there is no way the family can get in touch with him and no news of what is happening.  Couldn’t be much worse.  My friend was feeling ‘guilty’ of sending his brother out.  He felt that he was responsible for his brothers condition.  He kept telling me that ‘it could have been me in his place’.  He has lost his sleep over it.

I think post #coronavirus closure, there will be many in this world who will be carrying the ‘guilt’ and that which could impede their very ‘living’.  Parents who sent their kids on a vacation or to study in China, those who were gifted with tickets to Italy for their honeymoon, families of healthcare workers, officials who were busy helping others and not be with their family in the time of crisis and many more…

At this time I thought it is important to look at the ‘Psychology of guilt’.  It is so rooted in self-judgment, the sense that we have done something wrong.  It is your anger turned inward arising when we violate our belief systems.

Did you know that much of this unhappy self-judgment is rooted in what we were taught as children.  Our guilt so often comes from our childhood because we were raised to “Sell ourselves”.  This may sound harsh but it’s the reality.  I’m talking about how, as children we symbolically sell ourselves for the affection of others.  We are usually taught to be good little boys and girls, tending to the wishes of others rather than forming strong identities for ourselves.  We’re not really encouraged to be independent or interdependent.  We’re trained to be codependent, making others needs and lives important and neglecting our own.  It is not a conscious choice; often we don’t know how to meet our own needs for our own happiness.

One clear symptom of this is your inability to say ‘NO’.  We’re taught to please others by agreeing to their requests.  Many parents are unhappy when their children say ‘no’.  In fact, it’s wonderful when children learn to say ‘no’ at the appropriate times.  We all should learn to say ‘no’ – early, loud and clear.

The desire to please others is a fertile ground for ‘guilt’.  Sometimes we feel guilty when we try to assert our independence.  This can be particularly a problem for children who suffer a loss, while still forming their identities.

I asked my friend “What do you think you would have to say if you were the one in the hospital and your brother called on you?”.  He thought for a while and said “I would tell him that it was my choice to go out.  I could have refused but I went.  It could have happened to anyone.  I am glad that you are safe.  You guys stay home and be safe!”

Most of our ‘guilt’ is either an outcome of some past events over which we had not control or from the prospect of future imagined events over which we do not control as well.

If you want to feel better, you have to let go of the guilt.  Guilt binds us to the darkest parts of ourselves.  It is a connection to our weakness, our shame, and our unforgiveness.  The smallest part of us feeds on it.  Our inaction nourishes it.  When we feel guilty, we stay small-minded, our lower thoughts are in control.  After a while we become ashamed.  The remedy therefore is to take action and share our feelings.  The real you does not know guilt.  Your true self is beyond the guilt of this world.

Its our responsibility therefore that we continue to talk to people who have survived and have to go through the trauma of losing a loved one, or having been the people who were spared from the virus.

We have to help them overcome the ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’.  We have to help them ‘LIVE’ – that’s the reason they were spared isn’t it?

Time to reflect on all the ‘Guilt’ you have been carrying!  Use this time to cleanse yourselves and help others do the same.