Most of us go through the motions of life as if we are ‘window shopping’.  When you walk aimlessly through the aisles of a department store or a shopping mall, you would have realized that you end up either buying something which you don’t need or get exhausted doing nothing and passing time.  It’s another matter if your ‘aim’ or ‘goal’ was just that.  Either way you realize that you do have goals in life – some clear and some unclear.

As in the case of window shopping, you might get completely exhausted with life if you walk about in a purposeless manner.  It is goals which give us the much needed energy to wake up every day with enthusiasm so that we can accomplish something and grow in life.

Setting Goals is the key and doing it in all dimensions of your life can get you on your way to achieving a great sense of work-life harmony.

It’s not how much we do, but what we get done that counts most. Therefore, top time managers develop clear goals, and then focus on the activities that will achieve them. Clear goals are SMART goals. They meet several criteria: They are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Time-bound and written.

Two Approaches to work-life harmony There are only two ways to approach time mastery and work-life harmony. You will either focus primarily on the results or ‘goals’ you intend to achieve, or you will focus on the activities or tasks you are doing. Of course, there is a relationship between goals and activities. You can’t do a goal….. you achieve it.

You ‘do’ activities. If you do the right activities, you will achieve the goal. Unfortunately our focus, most of the time, is on activities. In part because the goal is not always clear; in part because that is what we have learned to do. But, no matter the reason, there is a big difference between the two approaches. People who focus primarily on their goals tend to master their time use and accomplish a greater sense of work-life harmony.

Our Mind Is A Goal Seeking Device Have you noticed when you have dreams of possessing something and visualized it clearly in your mind, your eyes start to see that everywhere.  For example you always had a dream car in mind to buy, you will find that very same car appearing all around you.  On the streets, in magazines, in movies and so on.  It is not any coincidence, but our mind gets so focused and tuned to what it has visualized that it will continually look for those things it is tasked with.  Similarly, we find that when we have a particular design of a dress in our mind and go shopping for it, our mind discards all distractions of a million designs in the stores and keeps intense focus on what you have visualized in your mind.  It does not rest till it gets it.  All these go to show the importance of setting goals, visualizing it clearly in your mind and going ahead and achieving it.

Link Goals Together Goals should be related to one another. The achievement of daily goals should lead to the achievement of weekly goals; the achievement of weekly goals should lead to the achievement of monthly goals; and so on, up to long range goals. Be sure that your daily behavior and routine tasks, which are part of the short-term goals, lead to longer-term goals.  It’s like your fitness goals.  Suppose you had a goal of reducing some weight, your daily actions should be aimed towards achieving your weekly and monthly goals.  It has to be one step at a time while being focused on the outcome.  Of course, you can choose to reduce weight by undergoing a surgery – but that comes with huge costs – mental, physical and financial.

Develop Your Results Habit Focusing on results must become a habit. Setting goals, and striving to reach them, must become a way of life. Never make a phone call, or hold a meeting, or go see someone, without first thinking about what you hope to achieve. When you stop thinking about intended results, you risk getting bogged down in activities, which do not help you, reach your desired results. These are known as activity traps. Before doing something, ask yourself how is it going to contribute towards achievement of your goals.

Your Time Is Your Life The way you spend all your time defines who you are. To manage your personal life means asking yourself what kind of life you want to lead, what kind of person you want to be. Changing the way you use your time requires that you set some goals – goals about what you want to ‘be’ and ‘do’. Most people do not pursue specific goals. They simply shift from one task to another without any focus or purpose, naively assuming that things will take care of themselves or will be taken care of by others.

The things that people value most can be divided into eight broad areas of life: family, career, spiritual, relationships, money, health, personal growth, and leisure. Are you satisfied with the way you distribute your time across all these areas of your life? If you want to achieve work-life harmony, set some goals. Goals are powerful because they work.

Don’t Just ‘Window Shop’ Your Life Away!

Time is a paradox. We never seem to have enough time, yet we have all the time there is. The problem is not a shortage of time, but how we choose to use the time available to us. The key is to concentrate on the essentials, and ignore the non-essentials.

“You always find time to ‘do’ what you ‘really’ want”

Your attitude is the key to achieving work-life harmony.  Attitude… attitude… attitude – we hear this all the time and on a daily basis.  I’ve had people who ask me to keep a ‘positive attitude’ with very little being offered in terms of ‘what?’ it means and ‘how’ to achieve it.  I thought it will be a great idea to explore as to what is this attitude all about.

What constitutes an ‘Attitude’?

 How do you identify someone’s attitude? Can provide you with the answer.  You identify someone’s attitude only by what is observable – ‘words’ and ‘actions’.  There is unfortunately nothing like a blood test which will reveal someone’s attitude.

What is important to learn however is there are underlying influences for the words and actions of people.  The picture below will give you a fair idea.

Thoughts are Critical In recent years there has been an analysis of people’s attitudes toward controlling their environment. At one extreme are the “internals,” people who believe strongly that they can make a difference in their world. Although they may not be able to control everything, they believe they can at least have some mastery over the things that happen to them. At the other extreme are the “externals,” people who believe they are at the mercy of their environment. They believe they have no control or influence over the things that happen to them. They feel pushed around. They simply react to their environment – and usually complain about what happens to them. The more you believe you can control, the more you will try to control, and the more you will control. Of course, there are certain calamities that none of us can anticipate. However, letting the possibility of such disasters govern our daily behavior is self-defeating. Most of us can probably control far more than we believe we can.

Our thoughts can either ‘empower’ us or ‘disempower’ us.  “The Way You Think Is The Way You Become”

Be mindful of your thoughts.  Practice mindfulness.  One way to identify how your thought process is ‘disempowering’ you is to observe your self-talk.  Whenever you are confronted with a challenge or a problem, what is the self-talk?  Is it “I can’t”; “I am not capable”; “I don’t think it’s possible”; “It’s not my responsibility”; “It’s tough luck” and so on.  If such thoughts cross your mind, then you are really going to find it difficult to take charge of your life.

You have to immediately change the negative self-talk to “What can I do?”; “What skills do I need to …”; “How can I make this possible?”; “What can I do to make the difference?”.  Take the help of others to catch you using these negative phrases as well, so that you can practice rephrasing and empower yourself.

Values and Beliefs  Our values and belief systems play a major role in shaping our attitude towards life.  You will have to re-examine those to find out if they are coming in the way of your personal growth.  For example if you have been brought up in a culture where ‘questioning’ or ‘challenging’ behavior is punished and a more ‘passive’ approach is expected then it will negatively influence your work-life harmony.  Some grow up in families where the roles of people are carved in stone – like men should do outdoor work, the women folk are responsible for household chores etc.  I have no problem with that, but when it starts to come in the way of relationships by the way of conflicting values and interests then you are in trouble.  Identify and list down the values which you believe in and examine if they are in any way contributing negatively to your work-life harmony.

Knowledge and Skills play an important role in getting a sense of harmony in life.  You must not remain one dimensional.  Gain knowledge other than work and in all dimensions of your life.  Learn new skills.  All these can help you at least to de-stress yourself in times of need.  Can reduce irritability and the feeling of a loss of control.  The Covid19 pandemic has exposed these holes in your life and you need to plug them soon.  Those with no skills or knowledge other than work have had a tough time and have been irritable and emotionally drained.

Avoid Regrets Most of us have regrets about what we did or didn’t do in the past. Regrets are just part of life. Having regrets is not necessarily bad, unless you let them hinder the future. There are two lessons we can learn from regrets. The first point is that some regrets are irreversible. We need to think carefully about what is really important. The second point is that some regrets are partially reversible. For instance, if you regret not going to college, you can always choose to go later. However, you can’t go back to an earlier time or place and change things. We should look back and learn from the past, but we must always realize that we are free to change the future.

Self-Discipline Pays Most of us have discovered that there is a big difference between knowing what to do and doing it. We know the bridge between the two is called self-discipline, but we can’t seem to cross it. Yet, self-discipline is the significant difference between winners and those who need to try harder. It is the difference between those who achieve and those who only dream about it. Self-discipline is the key to personal freedom. It moves us from the prison of our habits and releases us to fulfill our lives.

“The way you think is the way you become”  – Words and Actions are the external manifestations and a measure of your attitude.

Work on your attitude to get some ‘harmony’ in your life.

Habits are the key to get a semblance of work-life harmony.  You change your habits – you change your life.

The question you need to ask yourself right now is “How much do I really want to change my habits?

Desire is the key to success or failure. With a strong desire, you will probably initiate changes. In order to change long-established habits, you must want to change. Desire is the beginning point. No one can force you to master your time and life. The “want to” must come from within.

Some habits are relatively easy to change; others can be extremely difficult. A change in one part of your life often has a direct impact on other parts of your life. Some habits are difficult to change because they are interconnected. A single behavior becomes a cue for another behavior, which in turn may be a cue for still another. In this way, you develop habit sequences that form vigorous modes of patterned behavior.

How long does it take to replace a poor habit with a better one?

Many of your work related habits could be successfully changed in four days to four weeks. In other words, if you consistently practice the new behavior four weeks, it will become your predominant response pattern. At that point, you have replaced the old habit with a new one. It might take a little longer to change some non-work related personal habits.  Maybe a few weeks more.  However, if you wish to eliminate your self-defeating habits and replace them with self-reinforcing habits, you could try some of the steps I propose here.

1. Identify the habit you want to change. In order to pinpoint the precise behaviors you wish to change, you will have to analyze many of your behaviors and the situations where they occur. You must then carefully examine your assumptions to see if any of them are holding you back from achieving the change you desire. The more you know about what you do, when you do it, and why you do it, the easier it will be to identify the habits that are detrimental.
2. Carefully define the new habit you wish to develop. Note down what you want to change and then describe the new habit you plan to adopt. Be honest with yourself. Gather the information you need to implement the change and visualize yourself acting out the new habit. Develop a realistic action plan, and get started.
3. Begin the new behavior as strongly as possible. Tell everyone about the new habit you want to develop. Set up a routine to go with your habit. Put signs posts reminding you of the new behaviors in places you often find yourself in i.e., at your office and at home. Remember the importance of cues and how habits are interrelated. If possible, change your environment to give your new habit some “fresh air” to grow in.
4. Never deviate from the behavior until the new habit is firmly established. Many people do the right things some of the time. Some do the right things most of the time. Only a few do the right things all of the time. Part-time application doesn’t develop new habits. Consistency and persistence are the only way to develop new habits. You will be tempted many times to do things in the old way. Resist these temptations. Some people rationalize deviations by saying, “Just this once won’t matter.” The truth is that each deviation matters a great deal. Every time you deviate, you must start over again. The more times you attempt to start over, the harder it is to change.
5. Ask other people to help you change. Few of us make significant changes without the support of others. Think carefully about who might be able to help you. How can they help you best? What will you ask them to do? Building a strong support team around you makes new habits much easier to master. Remember – focus on a few things at a time.

The most important thing, however, is to get started.

Don’t talk about doing it later; do it now! Work-Life Harmony is only a habit away!

 

People spend countless hours trying to find their ‘true-self’. They scourge the internet, run behind self-help gurus, buy books, join communes; all in search of finding that elusive ‘self’ which purportedly will lead them to ‘contentment’ and ‘happiness’ in life – A life of harmony.

It’s also not difficult today to find such avenues, to waste your precious time, money and energy.  You start to feel that if you find the right guru, book or amount of money, you might just find the key that will unlock this so-called undiscovered powerful ‘self’.

The problem is you are never sure which ‘key’ will help you open that elusive treasure box with a gem called ‘true-self’.

The view is that their exists an identity that is free of all the baggage that you have accumulated over years of your existence and when you ‘peel’ away those layers you would excavate the ‘gem’ that is your ‘true-self’.

Problem with the metaphor of ‘Onion-Peeling’

Often the self-help guides have described the journey of ‘discovering your true-self’ as a process similar to ‘onion-peeling’.  They say that as you peel away the many layers you will reach your ‘core’ which is your identity and that is ‘true-self’.

I have a problem with this line.  Is it ‘binary’ as we are made to believe?  Isn’t the whole onion useful?

The point I am trying to make here is that we are always ourselves.  Whatever you do or are experiencing is exactly the person you are meant to be in that moment. If you lead your life wearing masks like a ‘social chameleon’ eventually not be able to differentiate between the mask and your real face.  I am not suggesting it is a right way to live but for the person leading such a life, it is the only ‘self’ they know of and that’s true for them.

You must divest yourself from ‘concepts’ which propose to help us find our ‘true-self’ under all the layers of onion.  The fact is you are actually all of it, the good, the bad, the flaws, et al. No matter how much effort you put you will never ever get rid of it completely.  And let me tell you that’s absolutely fine.

‘True-self’ is just an idea

We have been sold the idea that discovery of your ‘true-self’ will lead to a path of happiness.  It’s also been part of our historical, social and philosophical legacy.  Its almost like we are now expected to have an ‘identity’.  And if we do not know who we ‘truly’ are, we are expected to explore and find out.  It is sold as a goal when once achieved puts you in a league which is above all others.  It is a crown which people yearn to wear.  It’s not just in personal life, this idea is sold aggressively even in corporate circles.  The need to find that ‘true’ – ‘authentic’ self.  I have been guilty of doing the same and making some money of it as well.  This leads us towards a continuous and anxious drive to find that elusive ‘true-self’.  The outcome is definitely stress.

Search for ‘true-self’ can be costly

This idea of finding your true-self by peeling away at the layers is also very much tied to our financial resources.  It is the result of an industry worth billions of dollars which continues to instill doubts in your mind and capitalizes on it.  I see people are inherently insecure about the fact that they do not know ‘who they are’ which other greater beings claim to have a grasp of.  It is a well-oiled industry which is built on the notion of ‘true-self’.  You will be made to believe that you are ‘less’ than what you ‘currently are’ and you need to put in a lot of time and money to find yourself.

These ‘onion peelers’ are very expensive and once you have bought into it, difficult to extricate.  I’ve interacted with many people who bought this idea of discovering their ‘true-self’ and invested in the ‘onion-peeling’ exercise.  I found that once they have put in their time and money, they fiercely defend their position and start to bullshit that they are just a few turns away from unlocking their ‘true-self’.  Try asking these people what this ‘true-self’ is all about and define it for you, they will start to stumble and use all sorts tactics to manoeuvre their way out of trouble.  Even if they do tell you what ‘true-self’ means, it will be from a ‘script’ which has been sold to them by some so-called evolved being.

Just face the fact – ‘true-self’, ‘self’, ‘authentic self’ is all a feel-good philosophy.  You are who you are and a complete package. I am however not suggesting that the complete industry is a sham.  There are lots of people who genuinely want to help others, but you must accept the fact that any industry has its own vested interest.

Assumption that ‘true-self’ must be really good

We live with the assumption that we can compartmentalize our lives into different parts like an onion skin and can peel away until we discover a hidden ‘gem’ called our ‘true-self’ at the core of it.  This is also the dichotomy of the concept of ‘Work-Life Balance’.  How can you talk about ‘work’ and ‘life’ as two entirely separate parts?  Isn’t work part of your life?

You must realize that one of the key factors which drives the ‘human’ engine is that of ‘curiosity’.  This feeds into the urge of mining through life in search of some hidden gem ready to be excavated and enrich your life.  It sounds very nice and hopeful, but rather difficult to believe. Your identity is in fact a ‘whole’ which is greater than the ‘sum of its parts’.

Discard ‘onion-peeling’ and embrace the ‘onion’

I am not suggesting that you do not put in the effort to improve yourself by questioning our actions and look at what has been helping and retain them; at the same time discard those which have not helped.  However you must quickly discard the grand idea of discovering your ‘true-self’ as your life cannot be dissected and peeled as is the case with an onion.  You are not an onion, you are the whole because of all the parts which make your life.  There is no ‘gem’ waiting to be excavated.  Don’t waste your time in such pursuits.  In fact you must embrace the ‘onion’ that’s you completely with all pains, traumas, successes, joys, emotions, flaws, people and all that which make you who you are.  Life is not binary after all.

When you are invested in all the dimensions of your ‘being’ that makes you who you are i.e., money, career, family, relationships, personal growth, health, leisure and spiritual, is when you can find the ‘harmony in your life’

Have you always felt the pressure to fit in? Do you feel that there is always a gap between what you want to be and what you think the world thinks you should be?

Then surely you will find yourself in distress trying to strike a work-life balance or accomplish a ‘life of harmony’.

The pressure to fit in and be liked can turn you into a ‘social chameleon’. You try hard to be the person you should be and try to bend backwards to accommodate and align with what presumably others expect of you.

Come to think of it you tend to carry and put on many social masks and generally show a different side of yourself to each of the social groups or persons about whose opinion you care.

Personally I’ve spent a considerable part of my life trying to fit in. Without realizing that I am losing myself in the relentless pursuit of pleasing those around me my parents, my family, friends, partners, bosses, and teachers and the community I live in. Many a time I have changed myself and my desires and even opinions to ‘fit in’ or ‘go with time’.

If you are constantly trying to prove your worth then you may have already forgotten or left way behind not just your values but your identity as well.  This then does have a very negative influence in achieving a sense of ‘harmony in your life’.

I remember when I quit my well-paid and growing career as a ‘marketing professional’ to live my entrepreneurial dream, I always had that nagging thought in my head ‘if I did the right thing’.  I used to get this thought if I was ‘off my head’ a bit to have left a bright future and tread into the unknown world of setting up a ‘business’.

My parents and family did contribute significantly to this feeling and thoughts as they had a stereotypical way of looking at life.  For them it was downright stupid on my part to sacrifice the luxury of a secure job which at least would guarantee a salary every month.  I realized that it was not just then but I was probably always living their dreams at the expense of my own.  I also realized that by ‘putting on a brave face’ in front of others I was only putting on a mask for the context much like a ‘chameleon’.  In fact I was slowly turning into one.  By trying to show that my decision was working well and was providing me with all that which my parents and family felt I was missing.  I caught myself lying to them about how my order books were filling fast and how I would be soon moving into a plush office in the city center.  In fact I even did that and invited them over for a grand opening, hiding from them all the debts I had already incurred trying to live up to their expectations of / from me.  It was going to be short-lived as the mounting pressure of sustaining the lifestyle was taking a toll not just on my financial health but my mental and physical health as well.  It reached a point when all aspects of my life were getting adversely affected by the pressure of just ‘fitting in’.

The harmony in my life was greatly disturbed as my attempts to play the ‘social chameleon’ were really not yielding the results that I thought it would.  I was sacrificing too much of myself to please others and living their dreams at the expense of my own. I asked myself “why am I letting others define me?

Come to think of it, we all live in a world where we are surrounded by the ideal. You find that social media increasingly presents us with better forms of just about everything, building immense pressure on us to strive for more and more. No wonder many of us in spite of having so much already still feel ‘we are not enough’ and there is more to achieve. It’s a vicious cycle and a trap which you find difficult to escape from. You are never satisfied! As you feel you need to be richer, happier, fitter, and different from others in some way or the other.

How then can you achieve ‘harmony in life’?

To get a semblance of harmony in your life you must first be true to yourself and stop being a ‘social chameleon’. Don’t be under the pressure to follow the crowd. Try to be ‘what you want to be’ than ‘what you should be’. Stop comparing yourself with others as this would stop you from ‘experiencing and enjoying’ what you already possess and get you to look at what you do not have and feel frustrated.  Just focus on fulfilling your potential to the best of your ability.  Set goals as you want than what it should be and prioritize based on what you think is important for you and will make you happy. 

In each dimension of your life i.e., money, career, health, family, relationship, personal growth, leisure and spiritual – set goals which will make you ‘happy’.

Don’t allow social conditioning to turn you into a ‘social chameleon’.

Be ‘yourself’. Value ‘yourself’

The reality is that you can’t make everyone like you – no matter how hard you try.

This is one of the many ‘unreal expectations’ you might be carrying which comes in the way of achieving a sense of harmony in your life.  While carrying unreal expectations are part of human existence and everyone carries one or the other, it doesn’t mean they are healthy.

The problem with ‘unreal expectations’

Unreal expectations can chip away at our emotional and physical health.  They can affect your relationships, goals and even steer our lives towards unhealthy habits.  It sets you up for failure.  When you carry for example an expectation that “I like everything to be perfect in my life” you are clearly setting yourself up for failure as it is impossible to have a perfect outcome all the time.  And then when you do not get the so-called perfect outcome, you berate yourself by concluding “how stupid you have been” or “how incompetent of you to have not controlled the situation”.  This can leave you depressed.

It is the same with relationships as well.  If you have an expectation of a perfect or ideal relationship you fail to factor in all factors other than yourself which could come in the way of achieving that perfect relationship.  You know that relationships require quite a bit of effort to sustain and needs your partner to share the same goals that you have. It requires you to compromise or give-in a little at times to ensure the stability. When that does not happen you may end up feeling that your relationship is hopeless and avoid working on issues.  This then starts to impact other parts of your life and its harmony.

Some expectations might feel very fair and reasonable to have.  For example as a parent you might expect your kids to be well behaved all of the time and in your effort to enforce such behaviors you might experience disappointments and regular conflicts.

Actually you have been conditioned to believe that you must set yourself high goals and expectations as they motivate us to reach what we aspire for.  The worry for most of us is the lack of such high standards would make us just pass time without accomplishing much in life.

If you list down all your expectations from the eight dimensions of life i.e., family, money, career, social relationship, leisure, personal growth, health and spiritual; you will come to realize where you might be setting high standards – that are unreal to expect.

I’ve seen people attending sessions on ‘Kundalini Awakening’ and expecting that ‘it’ be awakened in the very first session.  When they see that it didn’t happen they get depressed or keep blaming or doubting their competency for ‘awakening their Kundalini’.

Of family you might carry an expectation that all members must be ‘supportive’ of you all the time.  This may not be possible as others supportive actions are never in your control.  You cannot then blame or curse yourself for having been born in a family which is not supportive.

Another funny one which I encounter often is the expectation “If my partner loves me then should know how I feel and what I expect.  There is no need for me to tell them explicitly”.  How the heck is the other person going to know what you expect unless you tell them?  Isn’t it the most common and unreal expectation in a marriage which couples end up making?

Isn’t it the same in almost all walks of our life?  Have you been a victim of ‘unreal expectations’?  How has it been affecting the ‘work-life balance’ or ‘harmony in your life’? 

Is there any way you can discard your ‘unreal expectations’ and  start to bring a semblance of balance in your life and living?

How to discard ‘Unreal Expectations?

Not calibrating your expectations as well as others expectations of you can have a deep impact in the way you feel about your life.  Therefore it is important that you have some strategies which will help you avoid the pitfalls of ‘unreal expectations’ in your life.  Here are a few you can do for starters.

• Practice self-compassion – before you can be of help to others and meet others expectations of you, you must take care of yourself first.  As during the flight safety announcement it is said “please put on your oxygen mask before you help others” holds true in life as well.  It is important that you accept yourself the way you are (including your flaws)
• Know what you ‘control’ – Often we spend our energy and time in controlling things which are not under our direct control or influence.  In doing so, we miss the ones which could keep us steady and on track.  Know that you can control ‘what you think?’; ‘what you say?’; and ‘what you do?’ and believe in that firmly.
• Practice assertiveness – Don’t be passive, especially when you are having to deal with others expectations of you; whether in personal or professional life.  Speak up and don’t let others dictate ‘who you are?’; ‘what you should do?’ and ‘how you should do?’.  Make your choices. You don’t need to be rude though when you practice assertiveness.  It’s only that you need to know your boundaries and let others know when they are out of limits.
• Self-acceptance – When you are able to accept yourself for who you are and know your boundaries, you are better able to accept others for who they are.  It’s liberating to not come under pressure of undue expectations from self and others.
• Stop perfectionism – It’s never a happy moment for the perfectionists.  Accept the fact that life brings with it its  own set of surprises and challenges.  Learn to humor and enjoy the roller-coaster of the ride than expecting it to be a smooth linear line.

Calibrating our expectations does not mean lowering the bar but it’s about letting go of unnecessary pressure from those which are unreal.  The less stressed you are the better you would perform.  Start with listing your expectations on all dimensions of your life and then make a realistic assessment of them.

Don’t get pressured from ‘unreal expectations’ and screw up the ‘harmony’ of your life.

 

“What do you do staying home all day?” asked my elderly neighbour, who seemed to be more anxious about my lifestyle when I started to work-from-home in 2005. He used to always see me in my shorts, walking my dog three times a day, gardening, going out with my wife to the cinema on a Monday morning and more. He was itching to ask me, how could I afford to be leading what according to him was a ‘retired life’ at such a young age. I was 37 then.  “This is the age to work hard and earn some money which will be useful to lead a happy life in your old age” he said.  He was not pleased when I told him that one must enjoy life when you still have the energy and not when you are old and weak.  I don’t blame him for that line of thinking.  I get puzzled looks from the participants of my seminars as well when I tell them that I work when I feel like and only do about 5 days a month.  They feel it can’t be true and I am just pulling a fast one on them.  “How can you work just 5 days a month and still earn enough money to lead a comfortable life?” used to be their query during the seminar breaks.  I don’t blame them either.

I want to explore the influence of ‘social conditioning and social pressures’ and their impact in bringing ‘harmony in life’.

Let me narrate a another story.

“There was a young man who used to sit under a tree near a construction site and spend time relaxing and watching the work being done.  He seemed to enjoy looking at people toiling away in the blazing heat while he lazed around eating fruits and home cooked meal under the shade.  One day, the Supervisor of the site walked up to him and said “Young man, I see you come in daily and waste your entire day sitting under the tree doing nothing.  You look strong and healthy, why don’t you do some work instead of wasting your time like this?”  What do you think will happen if I work daily, asked the young man.  “You will earn a lot of money” replied the supervisor.  What do you do with so much money? Asked the youngster.  “When you earn a lot you can save up enough to one day enjoy life” replied the Supervisor.  What do you think I am doing now? Asked the youngster.  Now this seems extreme, but I hope I am able to impress the point about how social conditioning works on us all the time.  The supervisor was afflicted with the condition that one needs to work for ‘x’ number of years and earn ‘x’ amount of money before one retires and then spend the rest of the life enjoying the fruits of labor.  Here the big assumption is that ‘work’ and ‘money’ is the pain you have to undergo to enjoy life.  That work and life are exact opposites.

Just think of it, it is almost like saying the opposite of ‘life’ is ‘death’.  When you talk about work-life balance as separate and opposites, isn’t that what it actually means.  That work is a pain.

I blame this on ‘social conditioning’ which has a deep impact on the way we lead our life.  It constantly puts pressure on us to follow certain set patterns laid out by the society on all dimensions of our life; money, work, family, social relationships, health, leisure, self-development and spiritual.

I believe that in order to be in charge of you own life and have an outstanding life, you have to understand and be able to rise above what social psychologists call social conditioning.

Social conditioning is the process of training individuals in society to have certain beliefs, behaviours, desires and emotional reactions, which are approved by society in general or by certain groups within it.

Your social conditioning begins when you’re just a small baby, and it’s most acute during your childhood and teenage years, but it carries its effect and goes on to influence your entire life. It’s carried out by parents, teachers, peers and people in your community, by the books you read, the media, the spiritual discourses and the advertisements you see.

It often works by rewarding certain behaviours, thus reinforcing them, and punishing other behaviours. It is our so called normal. This is the case of classical conditioning which is sometimes is even used to train animals like the ‘Pavlov’ experiment.

But the most powerful mechanism of social conditioning is the repetition of the same simple messages, sometimes thousands of times over long periods, until the mind gives in and absorbs them completely.

These messages can take explicit forms, like when a parent tells you plainly what you should and shouldn’t do. Or implicit messages, like when a commercial shows you a well-dressed guy that girls swoon all over, thus suggesting indirectly that if you dress well, girls will swoon all over you too.

And the result of all this is a person who conforms to the norms of ideal living, in the society and community they live in.

Mind you it is so powerful that it is difficult to extricate yourself from it.  I myself learnt it the hard way after repeatedly falling back into the so-called ‘normal’ or ‘socially conditioned’ way of living.

Problem with social conditioning

I realize that social conditioning is almost a form of indoctrinating and herding people into having certain beliefs, behaviors, desires and emotional reactions. This means it can be used to train people to have any kind of responses, positive or negative, rational or irrational.  It makes me feel that much of the social conditioning we get exposed to today takes our lives in an overall negative direction. Deliberately or not, the society we live in instills in us many horribly wrong ideas, ineffective behaviors, toxic desires and unhealthy emotional reactions.

With the proliferation of social media in every aspect of our life the problem has only been accentuated.

Examples of bad social conditioning

I’ve come to realize that many of the most common beliefs, behaviors, desires and emotional reactions that society conditions us to have are dreadfully bad for us. Here are some key examples of common yet very poor social conditioning, concerning the major aspects of life.

Career and finances

The society we live in encourages blind consumerism and materialism.  “People chase jobs and money to spend on shit they don’t need”  We learn to work long hours, conform to norms, seek job security, be conscientious, perform at higher levels each day and ask very little for ourselves as we believe that one day it will all be worthwhile.  People get so caught up in the race of reaching the top and earning more and more that they stop enjoying the journey.  They don’t even realize that many years have passed by in this pursuit.  The common refrain I hear from people is “I’ve been so busy working that I didn’t realize that my kids have all grown up and how I now miss their growing up years”.

People want to earn money because they are bombarded with messages about “100 destinations to visit before you die” from commercials that they often end up ‘dying’ before they visit these destinations.

Health

Having a 6-pack ab, chiseled body, muscular look and great physical appearance has turned into an obsession of sorts.  People end up spending excessive amounts of time, money and energy in pursuit of good health fads which impact other parts of their life.  I’ve seen people obsessing over running half-marathon and full marathon and spending years training for it, just because of peer-pressure or some company has cleverly used it for their own promotion through sponsorship.  The social conditioning on ‘fitness’ is so much that people don’t consider themselves fit if they don’t fit any of the so-called ideal fitness images which flash on the screen every day.

Social

Now with so much of social media, people tend to measure their social health with the number of connections they have, the number of likes and comments they get for their posts.  I’ve seen people spending excessive amount of time on social media only to increase the size of their network in the process forgetting the qualitative aspects of social contact.  Frequently checking social media updates has become the biggest negative influence on our time mastery and achieving some balance.

Spiritual

Social conditioning is probably the strongest in the realm of spiritual and religious pursuits.  Some of the beliefs and behaviours which we carry have been the result of years of sustained messaging by parents, teachers, community elders, preachers, yogis, gurus and the likes about what ‘spirituality’ means and should be in our life.  People have ended up investing so much time to match these ideals that they either neglected or had little time for other parts of their life.  It is so much so that ‘being spiritual’ and ‘career-oriented’ have been considered complete opposites.  Something like ‘this or that’.  If you are seen to be spending long time in your spiritual pursuits it is assumed that you have either earned enough and have fulfilled all your other responsibilities.  My question is ‘why can’t we be spiritual and at the same time career minded?’

Leisure

When it comes to leisure as well people get pressured by the societal norms of leisure activities. You have been told repeatedly about how you need to spend your time during leisure and what is the ideal way.  Today, the best example of “leisure of pressure” is while on a holiday.  People are under increasing pressure to click pictures and post all they have done during this period on social media.  In this process they fail to enjoy the moment and at the end are more tired than rejuvenated.

Family and relationship

The biggest impact of social conditioning has come in the realm of family and relationship.  The image of an ideal family and relationship is drilled into our mind from childhood and now with social media the pressure to post pictures of happy family and your relationship is so much more.  It encourages superficial social relationships, based mainly on appearances, as well as constantly comparing ourselves to others and caring intensely about “what other people think of us”.  This takes people away from the reality of their lives and encourages a life of falsehood and lies just so that you are in the game.

Personal growth

What does personal growth mean to you?  Define and list the ways in which you would measure personal success and growth.  Take some time to check, how much of it is influenced by the social conditioning you have been subjected to?  You will find some answers to bring a semblance of harmony in your life.

How to rise above ‘social conditioning’?

• Don’t assume We like to believe that we are wise enough to be not influenced by bad social conditioning.  That we never took or have been influenced by societies bad ideas and futile behaviours.  You must start with the assumption that you have been exposed to repeated messaging and propaganda that does have and is influencing your social behaviour.  Only when you acknowledge it that you will start exorcising the demons of social conditioning.
• Question Learn to question every idea which you have been conditioned to and is negatively impacting your life.  For example, I had to question and rise above the idea that “One needs to go to a place of work (called office) which is away from home to earn a living”.  This made me re-think the concepts of working and reduced considerable stress.
• Learn from expert sources who are different from the obvious as often they have ideas which are poles apart from what the society and mainstream preaches. Study a wide range of subjects and why not try to be “Jack of all trades and master of none”. Isn’t it an idea which you have been told not to follow?
• Leave your comfort zone step out and meet people and do things which are out of your comfort zone.  They open up learning in different ways.  The pressure of being around like-minded people is immense and we have been advocated about the benefits of the same.  On the contrary you will find the greatest joy and life lessons come when you step out of those boundaries.

Limit your amount of exposure to bad social conditioning, by reducing contact with its sources.  The benefits are incredible. As you free yourself from poor social conditioning, in effect you take charge of your own destiny and you enable yourself to take it in the direction you want.

You become more confident, more productive, more successful and much happier.

People with low self-esteem tend to see themselves as victims of a hostile world. As a result, they are reluctant to express and assert themselves, miss out on experiences and opportunities, and feel powerless to change things.

It takes them to a downward spiral of lowered self-esteem.

If you feel that you suffer from poor self-esteem, there are a number of simple things that you can do to boost yourself and, hopefully, break out of the trap.

Here are a few things you could start with.

Stop negative self-talk and criticism Some navigate their world and relationships constantly searching for evidence which go on to validate their self-limiting beliefs. They constantly put themselves on trial much like judge and jury and sentencing themselves to a lifetime of self-criticism. In order to deal with this, you need to first catch yourself indulging in such self-talk. It’s found that people who are afflicted with high levels of self-critical behavior are also the one’s who aim for ‘perfectionism’ and ‘unreal goals or outcomes’.

Make a list of all your ‘disempowering beliefs’ and then against each one right down an alternate ‘empowering belief’. Examples of disempowering beliefs and possible alternatives could be;

• ‘I am not good enough’ – ‘I am good at……’ (make a list of at least 5 things you are good at)
• ‘I can’t do this’ – ‘The ways in which I can get this done is…..’
• ‘It’s not perfect’ – ‘I think it is good enough and that’s what matters’
• ‘What will others think’ – ‘It makes me happy and that’s what matters most’
• ‘Others are better than me’ – ‘My strengths are…. (make a quick list)
• ‘I don’t have the ability’ – ‘The skills I need to do this are…..’

Don’t follow what I have to offer, all that matters is what you ‘think’.  Go ahead and make your own list of empowering beliefs and use them liberally.

What you are trying to do here is ‘reframing’ and that goes a long way in changing the way you ‘think’.  Negative self-talk is nothing but your inner thought process.  Change your thinking – Change your belief!

Make a habit of learning from mistakes We have been taught and told repeatedly and right from childhood that “Failures are the stepping stones towards success”.  The bloody problem is that no one is willing to ‘step on’ these stones to success.  How hypocritical of us, isn’t it?

You must accept the fact that mistakes and errors are likely when you step out of your comfort zone and try something meaningful.  Know for a fact that you have always been fed the ‘success stories’ of those who did something significant.  Rarely do we get to know the number of mistakes a successful person committed before accomplishing something.

A simple analogy I would like to draw your attention to is about a ‘baby’s attempt to walk for the very first time’.  You wouldn’t be walking today if you were fearful of stumbling when you were a baby.  Just ask your parent.  You did get help along the way and that’s an important lesson.  So the next time you are overcome with fear of committing a mistake or failure, remind yourself about the way you learnt to walk and run.  Instead of beating yourself up and paralyzing all action, ask yourself “What help do I need to get this done?”  “Who are the people who can help me along the way?”  It keeps you from falling into a pit of despair.

Another way is to ask ‘what’s the upside?’. Look at ‘one thing you can learn from the situation’ and ‘one opportunity you wouldn’t want to miss’

This will probably help you change your viewpoint and contribute to a positive self-esteem and avoid any speed bumps along the way.

Affirm your self-worth Make it a daily habit of listing out all the qualities which you have that are meaningful in a specific context.  For example, list all the qualities which makes you a good relationship prospect, good hire or an employee, parent, child, friend and any other context you can think of.  Then choose one of the items from the list above and write an essay about why the quality is invaluable and will be appreciated by everyone.  Do the exercise every day for a week or whenever you need a booster of self-esteem.  The bottom line is boosting your self-esteem requires a bit of work and involves developing healthier emotional habits.

Develop your competencies  Self-esteem is built by demonstrating real ability and achievement in areas of our lives that matter to us. If you think cooking gives you great pleasure, throw more home parties. If being in the spotlight attracts you, then offer yourself for public speaking.  If writing is what satisfies you, then start blogging, publishing, being part of literary festivals and events. In short, figure out your core competencies and find opportunities and careers that accentuate them. You get a powerful boost of energy and self-esteem when you indulge in acts which you are naturally inclined towards, passionate about and competent.

Take feedback as an opportunity to grow Each time you get some critical feedback, your natural reflex response will be to defend, oppose, get angry or withdraw.  The moment you find yourself overcome with a need to react, ask yourself “What can I learn from this feedback?” and ask the feedback giver for suggestions and listen intently.  Prepare some stock phrases you will use when you are engaged in a conversation involving negative feedback.  For example “I would like to learn more”, “Tell me more”, “What can I do to make the difference?” etc.  You can think of more if you like.  If you look at these statements, it shifts your attention from defending to greater understanding.  You know that feedback helps you improve and remove your blind spots.  The lesser the blind spots, the more confident you will be and in turn get a boost in your self-esteem.

Keep away from negative people If you surround yourself with people who always look at the negative side of life, then it is surely going to impact your motivation and self-esteem.  You will find such people in abundance around you.  How do you identify such people?  They are the one’s who when presented with an idea or thought, immediately respond with “how you cannot possibly do this?” or “how it is not a great idea?”.  In fact what they are rubbing off on you is their own inabilities.  Keep such people away.  Also, if you want to boost your self-esteem in a context, then you need people who can positively contribute to it.  For example, if you want to be physically fit, surround yourself with people who are into fitness.  They will always give you the positive vibes about fitness.  Imagine your goal is of fitness and you are surrounded by people who tells stories about a person who lived a 100 years in Japan, used to smoke 2 packs of cigarettes and had a bottle of liquor daily.  If you want to be a musician be in the company of musicians; you want to be an athlete, be in there company; if you want to be financial expert, be in the company of financial wizards.  The unfortunate thing is that we do exactly the opposite most of the times.

Stop the ‘compare and despair’ routine  If you start to compare everything you do or have with others, you will always find someone who has or is projecting more than you.  It is a trap which is difficult to get out of.  Be wary of it.  Develop an acceptance mindset.  If you set your goals always in comparison to others then you are heading towards desperation.  That’s probably the cause of anxiety and stress in many people today.  Social media has only accentuated this problem.  Before you realize you are sucked into the comparison routine.   Set goals which makes you happy.  Here is a technique which I used.  Make a list of all that you ‘have’ and read the list daily.  Remember, nothing of what others do or possess or show off changes your reality! 

Learn and practice assertiveness It’s about time you picked up some assertiveness skills.  It will teach you how to stand up for your rights while respecting the rights of others.  Assertiveness will help you in your ability to say ‘no’ when you have to.  It will help you manage your expectations and commitments well which in turn will help you accomplish more.  An assertive behaviour will help you enhance the quality of your relationships and adds to your self-esteem. 

Self-care Many studies have shown a correlation between exercise, grooming on boosting self-esteem, as well as improved mental health. Exercising creates empowerment both physical and mental.  Exercise organizes your day around self-care. Create some space from your endless  to-do lists of the day for the sole purpose of relaxation or doing something fun, and seeing how that feels. Other forms of self-care, such as proper nutrition, power-dressing or grooming and getting sufficient sleep, have also been shown to have positive effects on one’s self-perception.

Practice forgiveness Is there is someone in your life you haven’t forgiven? By holding on to feelings of bitterness or resentment, we keep ourselves stuck in a cycle of negativity. And if it is ‘you’ who you have not forgiven, the guilt and shame will take you on a downward spiral of lowered self-esteem.

Forgiving self and others has been found to improve self-esteem. Practice the following Buddhist meditation on forgiveness daily before starting your day and at night before sleep.

“To those whom I may have caused harm, knowingly or unknowingly, through my thoughts, words and actions, I ask your forgiveness.”

“To those who may have caused me harm, knowingly or unknowingly, through their thoughts, words and actions, I offer my forgiveness as best I am able.”

“For any harm I may have caused myself, knowingly or unknowingly, through my thoughts, words, and actions, I offer my forgiveness as best I am able.”

Steps to boost your self-esteem is not just limited to what we outlined above but they will at least kick start your effort in increasing your self-esteem.

Nothing is more important than how you feel and think about yourself!

While there are several factors which contribute negatively towards bringing in a sense of harmony in your life, the one factor which for me has a great influence is your level of ‘Self-Esteem’.

Your self-esteem levels have a direct  influence in your ability to be ‘assertive’ and therefore on your ‘time-mastery’.  We know that in order to manage time better, we need to be able to manage our expectations and commitments well.  We also need to be able to manage and deal with our stakeholders who as we have seen in the earlier episode are integral for harmony in life.

How do you identify that you suffer from ‘low self-esteem’?

Nothing is more stressful than lacking the secure anchor of self-esteem.  A low self-esteem can lead to several toxic relationships, extra stress and a sinking mood. And along the way, you just don’t enjoy yourself as much as you could.

Here are some of the signs that you could be suffering from low or shaky self-esteem.

Being self-critical and negative people with shaky self-esteem are often extremely self-critical and unforgiving of themselves.  It leads them to negative thoughts about all what they do, and holds them back from all they want to do in life.  That which would make them happy. Such people  beat themselves up for everything, even when they’d do a good job. Because, they feel they could always do better.  A level of dissatisfaction sets into all what they do.

Fear of committing mistakes or failure People with a shaky self-esteem would always feel that they committed a mortal sin each time they make a mistake or encounter failure – whether big or small. All mistakes are magnified and the guilt and shame makes them want to crawl under a rock. Making mistakes becomes a gnawing cycle that also chips away at their already unstable self-esteem.

Sense of worthlessness People when unable to live up to the ‘imagined’ expectations of ‘self’ and ‘others’ get into the trap of feeling worthless and incapable which adds to low self-esteem.  It then starts a spiral of poor performance in their academic, professional and personal life.  They will then be fearful of undertaking tasks or do things in those parts of their life that would magnify their sense of worthlessness.

Sensitivity to criticism If you are ‘touchy’ of any negative feedback or criticism which comes your way then surely it’s a sign of a shaky self-esteem.  It triggers in you those emotions which negatively contribute to your sense of worth.  Any criticism is taken as a sign of failure and then you go into a ‘flight’ or ‘fight’ mode of response.  If you catch yourself getting angry or withdrawn at the first sign of criticism then you are surely on shaky ground

Passive-Aggressive behavior If you are a person who finds it extremely difficult to say ‘no’ or state what you feel upfront and choose to remain silent then you are being ‘passive’ in your behavior.  This behavior may lead you to accept whatever is thrown at you and make commitments which you may not be prepared to handle.  You tend to get overwhelmed and the mountain of expectations and your inability to deliver on all starts to eat away at your self-confidence.  This is surely going to affect one or the other part of your ‘wheel-of-life’ and lead to excessive stress.  In the same vain, if you suffer from low self-esteem, you are also prone to demonstrate ‘hostility’ and an ‘aggressive’ behavior as a response to what life throws at you.  You would like to avoid making commitments and use hostile behavior to brow beat stakeholders in the process leading to conflicts and stress in relationships.  People end up showing or are prone to aggressive behavior when they have subjected themselves to prolonged periods of ‘passivity’ waiting to explode.  So, if you find yourself frequently demonstrating these behaviors, it is time you looked at building some self-esteem.

Social withdrawal  people with low self-esteem are known to withdraw from social setups.  Such people are prone to excessive thinking and comparing of themselves with others and feeling inadequate.  Their own high expectations of themselves, fear of committing mistakes or failure, sensitivity, low self-worth etc., force them to withdraw socially and use avoidance as a strategy to hide their lack of confidence or low self-esteem.

Lying to impress People who have low self-esteem also are prone to lying and hiding behind masks.  They try to put up a false-front to impress others.  Over prolonged periods this falsehood becomes their reality and affects all their transactions with the outside.  They end up expending a lot of energy in sustaining this false-front, which in turn starts to effect the quality of their work and performance.

These are some of the factors which directly affect your sense of ‘control’ and harmony in your life.

Work-life balance or ‘Harmony’ will remain elusive unless you are willing to work on your self-esteem.

Fortunately, self-esteem isn’t set in stone. It takes time and practice, but you can absolutely lift low self-esteem and develop respect, appreciation and unconditional love for yourself.

People like to convince themselves that they are fine even if they are not, and that’s dangerous.  You end up with a series of lies which becomes so big that you get so far that you lose your identity – your core.  I think it is easy for us to lie to ourselves.  It’s the easy way out of not facing the fact that we have screwed up big time. We make excuses to ourselves and live in a false sense of reality.  The way you view yourselves ends being the opposite of who you really are. The dangerous part is that you start to ‘believe’ it and even when truth hits you hard, you start to find ways to rationalize it.

So do you cheat yourself?

Of course you do!  Who doesn’t right?  People just seem to have some weird ways of defining ‘well-being’ and ‘harmony’ in life.  They cheat themselves in many creative ways, by defining well-being in a way which   suits their current condition.  They choose the easier ‘acceptance-oriented’ approach to bringing a semblance of balance in their life.  I’ve been guilty of cheating myself in the past by explaining away in different ways as to how my life is in complete harmony and I am doing fine.  While this bullshit cut ice with others but not with myself.  I knew as much as you do, each time you bullshit there is your inner-voice which immediately triggers an alarm telling you that you are cheating.  I never was happy whenever I did and I could sense it very much.  I am sure you do too?

Sad if you think about it.  You are the source of your misery and you don’t get it.  Well I assume most people don’t get this. It’s hard to accept but you will be a long way ahead if you learn to accept your problems.

For starters, you must know the ways in which we deny ourselves the chance to bring some harmony in our life.

Denial Whenever someone asks us the question “How are you?” the auto-response is “I am good” or “fine” or “great”.  That’s good to impress others and start a conversation, however you might know internally if you are ‘really’ feeling all that good as you project yourself to be.  I am not suggesting that you shouldn’t be feeling good at times, but if you really reflect here what I am getting at you will realize that we have been living in denial most of the time.  The problem is that we have also been taught to use these ‘positive’ phrases and project ourselves in  great shape right from childhood.  Add to that the pressure to apply lessons learnt from several self-help books and resources about ‘positive thinking’.  They had only added to a false sense of well-being.  It’s one thing to get up in the morning and say “you are feeling great” and “really” feeling so!

The problem is that people like to deny they have a problem as they do not want to be seen as vulnerable, weak, incapable and project a strong image of themselves.  I think this is at the core of our pressure to ‘deny’.  Make a list of your ‘denial’s’ every day and you know how to identify isn’t it?  You can’t bullshit to yourself after all!  You will quickly realize, what is coming in the way of bringing greater balance and harmony in your life.  So stop denying! Stop cheating!

Externalize or blame is another behavior that comes in the way of bringing harmony in your life.  Most people feel it convenient to externalize all their problems and blame someone or something else for their condition.  They find ways and expend tremendous amount of their mental energy to fix blame on something outside of them.  I wish they could put that energy in solving the problem.  When you externalize, it’s an easy way of escaping responsibility for your own condition.  It’s a trap which many fall into and never ever get out of.  You can identify such people by looking at their responses to every problem.  They will be quickly able to put the blame on others or the environment.  Lack of wealth can be blamed on ‘being born to poor parents’; failure in a test can be blamed on ‘the bias of the teacher’; failure to get selected in an interview can be blamed on ‘incapable interviewer’ and the list is long.  Have you ever found yourself tempted to blame or externalize immediately in the face of a problem.  Then it’s time you stopped and got some control back.  Ofcourse it’s important to assess how much of the problem is directly under your control or influence but you must not use ‘blame’ or ‘externalizing’ as the first available and easy option.

Excuse and explanations is another creative way of denying yourself with the opportunity to bring harmony.  I find that people are the most creative in offering excuses for not being able to do certain things in their life.  In fact they have an excuse and explanation to offer for every problem they encounter.  ‘If only’, ‘I wish’, ‘but’ , ‘because’ is used freely and frequently in all their conversations.  You can easily identify if you are doing so as well.  In fact I would recommend you try spending atleast 3 hrs. every day, promising yourself that you will not use the words ‘If’, ‘But’, ‘Because’ and see the difference.  Ask others to catch you doing so and you will see that you are on your way towards getting a semblance of control in your life.

Acknowledge So the next time someone asks you ‘how are you?’ and you are not good, learn to say ‘Not good’ and see how it activates the problem solving process.  In fact it is a wonderful way to get stakeholder involvement.  You are not living in complete isolation after all.  Harmony in life needs all parts to work in tandem.  It includes, your family, friends, colleagues, social networks and all such stakeholders who get impacted by your actions.

And you know that ‘acknowledging’ that a ‘problem’ exists is the first step towards ‘problem solving’.  So don’t deny!

You definitely don’t want to reach a point where you get a ‘life-changing’ wake-up call!

Take control! Take charge! And work your way to greater harmony in your life.